How God works in litigious ways

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There is a fascinating case going on in the High Court in which God may possibly be called as a witness. Like to know more? I know I would. Here is an extract from the opening proceedings.

There is a fascinating case going on in the High Court in which God may possibly be called as a witness. Like to know more? I know I would. Here is an extract from the opening proceedings.

Counsel: What is your name?

Bald: My name is Bald. Archie Bald.

Counsel: Really? Is that your own name?

Bald: Whose name do you think it is?

Counsel: Well, is that how you were christened?

Bald: I was never christened. My parents were poor but honest atheists.

Counsel: Despite which, Mr Bald, you are the founder and manager of the Chruch of England Insurance Society?

Bald: I am.

Counsel: Whose slogan is: "Think You've Suffered an Act of God? Let Us Handle Your Case!" Also: "Let the Buck Stop Right At The Top!" And "Make God Pay!"

Bald: Yes. And also "Your Damages Could Be Heavenly".

Counsel: Which gives the impression that when someone suffers an Act of God, you are going to sue God in person?

Bald: Yes.

Counsel: Have you ever in fact won a case against God?

Bald: It is almost impossible to do so. God is omniscient. God knows the law backwards. God knows all the tricks and get-out clauses. God is a damned slippery customer.

Counsel: So you have never actually won a case against God?

Bald: No. But on the other hand, I have never tried. There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

Counsel: Name them.

Bald: I cannot reveal the business methods of the Chruch of England Insurance Society.

Counsel: I see. Incidentally, have you any connection with the Church of England?

Bald: None at all. That is why the firm is spelt Chruch of England.

Counsel: But people might be confused by the similarity. They might assume that the word Chruch is simply a misprint for Church.

Bald: Alas, this does happen, regrettably often.

Counsel: Mr Bald, I suggest to you that what also happens is that people who have suffered from floods, or lightning, or thunderstorms, or other things not preventable by man, come to you and give you money to pursue their case against God. You pocket the money and do nothing. You have got rich on the backs of the trusting, the naive and the God-fearing.

Bald: If that is true, at least they are less trusting and naive afterwards. This can only be good.

Counsel: Mr Bald, some observers call you an unmitigated scoundrel. Would you agree?

Bald: No, sir, as God is my witness!

Counsel: Ah, but is God your witness? Do you, Mr Bald, even believe in God?

Bald: No.

Counsel: In that case, Mr Bald, I am going to issue a challenge to you. I would like you to say, in open court, that if God truly exists, you challenge Him to strike you dead.

Bald: But ...

Counsel: Come, come, Mr Bald. To an atheist like you, this presents no problem.

Bald: True, but ...

Judge: I think I should intervene here, Mr Gritter, to ask if you are quite sure you know what you are doing. If God is listening, we might have a dead defendant on our hands. Even worse, we all might get killed as well. I am not sure what the law says about Collateral Act of God.

Counsel: Trust me, m'Lud. I think we are on to a winner here.

Bald: Very well! I shall do as you say! If there is a god, I defy him to strike me dead this instant!

Silence. Then there is a sensation in court as Mr Bald cries out in pain and falls lifeless to the ground, making an awful racket in the witness stand.

More of this unusual case tomorrow...

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