Miles Kington: Bad Catholics make very good architects

'It is not all peace and love. It is also sexually perverted priests and hellfire. At least, I hope so; that's why I joined'

Britain was brought to a standstill last night by an outbreak of religious violence, as huge crowds all over the country gathered to burn Catholics in effigy. With bloodcurdling cries of "Remember, remember, the fifth of November!", and "Let us never forget the accursed plot whereby Guy Fawkes and other paid murderers of the Pope did attempt to blow up our King and also the heart of Westminster's administrative section in 1605!", Protestant mobs lit immense bonfires and let off dangerous rockets and Space Mission Specials ( 150 shots – keep spectators at least 25 metres away), creating a noise that might have been heard in the Vatican. Police and medical services reported many injuries and several deaths.

Britain was brought to a standstill last night by an outbreak of religious violence, as huge crowds all over the country gathered to burn Catholics in effigy. With bloodcurdling cries of "Remember, remember, the fifth of November!", and "Let us never forget the accursed plot whereby Guy Fawkes and other paid murderers of the Pope did attempt to blow up our King and also the heart of Westminster's administrative section in 1605!", Protestant mobs lit immense bonfires and let off dangerous rockets and Space Mission Specials ( 150 shots – keep spectators at least 25 metres away), creating a noise that might have been heard in the Vatican. Police and medical services reported many injuries and several deaths.

One American visitor who flew in last night said that from the air Britain looked like Afghanistan, with explosions going off every few seconds and lovely chrysanthemum patterns tracing momentarily into the air.

"Actually," he corrected himself, "I have never seen Afghanistan from the air, so I have no idea if they really do set off chrysanthemum-shaped fireworks there, but at this point in time I would like to correct one misconception about Americans abroad. It is said that we are afraid to travel to the trouble spots of the world. Baloney! Every day thousands of young American boys are overflying Afghanistan and dropping bombs on a place they hardly know at all, softening up the country for tourism, and getting ready to install a KFC in Kabul. Hey -just look at that Giant Cracker go up (100 shots, insert in soft earth and retire immediately)!"

Mr Tony Blair was quick to condemn the mob hatred directed against the Catholic minority in Britain last night.

"This sort of thing cannot and must not happen in today's multicultural Britain," he was due to say later today, unless Alastair Campbell had thought of something more interesting for him to say in the meanwhile. "Thousands of ordinary peace-loving Catholics in this country live quiet lives and get on with the everyday task of giving donations to New Labour in the hope of a peerage some day. I respect that. Whoever it was that went out last night and caused such pain to the Catholic community must be identified and hunted down and, if possible, bombed to smithereens in order to teach them a lesson.

"We know already that many of these weapons emanate from China, including the potentially lethal Silver Jade Fountain ( Do NOT hold in hand). To this end I hope that later today, unless Alastair Campbell decides otherwise, to fly round the world marshalling global opinion against Bonfire Night and not to return until people have entirely forgotten the complete cock-up I made over foot-and-mouth."

A British Catholic said last night that hitherto he had been a moderate Catholic but that now, if it was necessary, he would certainly go abroad to the Vatican and enlist against those who opposed the true faith.

"If you are a Catholic, then some time during your life you are supposed to make the pilgrimage to Rome, having a look at the Colosseum and drinking too much cheap vino. Then on Sunday morning you go and stand in front of St Peter's and the Pope comes out on the balcony, and says... Well, who knows what he says? Who knows if it is actually the Pope? It's too far away to hear or see. One takes it for granted that it really is the Pope. This is what obedience to the Faith is all about.

"Lots of people have a very wrong idea about Catholicism. The Catholic faith is not just about peace and love. It is all about the Inquisition, and burning at the stake and sexually perverted priests and eternal hellfire. At least, I hope it is, because that's why I joined."

Meanwhile, an English Heritage spokesman for called for a restoration of calm and a cautious recognition that Guy Fawkes did have the right idea, at least on architectural grounds.

"Let's face it, the old Parliament was a grossly overcrowded and unsuitable building. It was a great shame that the Gunpowder Plot failed, aesthetically speaking. When it finally burnt down in the 1830s, nobody shed a tear – in fact they were heartily glad of the excuse to build a new one. The moral is, I think, that if you want to get rid of a big useless building in Britain, make it look like an accident. and nobody will object."

Last night's news that the Millennium Dome had accidentally burnt down... to be continued