Miles Kington: Badgers and great sand urchins home in on Liverpool

Liverpool stages a party at which the theme is 'Sorry, Boris Johnson You Were Right and We Were Wrong!' Boris says he is tickled pink
Click to follow
The Independent Online

Old Miles's Almanack 2008

Yesterday I brought you Part 1 of Old Miles's Almanack 2008, an exclusive look ahead into the first four murky months of next year, and as all of my predictions have been proved accurate so far, I am today bringing you a similarly triumphant treatment of the next four months of next year. So hold on tight for May to August!

MAY 2008

* After only four months of a year as a City of Culture, Liverpool reveals that all the money has gone, with nothing to show for it, except huge pay-offs for people who used to run it.

* A huge badger cull in the West Country has two results: one, the vanishing of all badger life from the West Country and, two, a mass migration of badgers to towards the Midlands.

* New plan implemented for the credibility of this year's Tour de France: all drugs will be permitted just to see what happens.

* The new smash-hit programme "I'm a Famous Fictional Character Get Me Out of Here!", on which characters from famous books played by famous actors are voted off week by week, is renamed more in keeping with its literary flavour: "I am a Famous Character from Fiction Pray, Sir, Assist Me to Leave This Vile Provincial Backwater!"

* The French Lieutenant's Woman, played by Keira Knightley, is voted off.

* First badgers reach Liverpool.

JUNE 2008

* Liverpool decides boldly to change direction 180 degrees and to celebrate its own REAL culture. 2008 is declared "The Year of the Scally". The new city motto becomes: "It fell off the back of a badger." And a grand new exhibition opens called: "Slavery? We're Not Ashamed."

* Great excitement in the bird world at first ever sighting of great sand urchin, never before seen outside the Sahara, spotted in Norfolk.

* Scientists claim to have identified the J K Rowling Syndrome, which is what happens to you when you have achieved your life's work and still have half your life to go. Tony Blair claims a co-share.

JULY 2008

* "The Man from Porlock", played by Brian Blessed, is voted off "I'm a Famous Fictional Character". Purists complain that he really existed, being a chatterbox who prevented Coleridge from completing Kubla Khan. But they cede the point that Brian Blessed himself may be a fictional character.

* Scientists think they have identified the Gordon Brown Syndrome, which involves spending your life yoked to an equally weighty figure, who then vanishes. Tony Blair reappears to claim a co-share, then vanishes again.

* Outbreak of Bluetooth Avian Flu in Norfolk. Cause is traced to infected great sand urchin from Africa, which is ordered to be culled. An army of bird watchers rises up against the Defra death squad, leading to so-called battle of "Trooping of the Cullers". Many casualties on both sides; great sand urchin later seen, unharmed, making its way to Liverpool.

* Spot tests in Tour de France reveal some riders not using drugs. They are ejected.


* Scientists identify the British Building Syndrome. This consists of a huge talent for planning buildings, and absolutely no idea what to put inside. Wembley Stadium, Tate St Ives, Tate St Britain, are all cited, not to mention Barlow's Shed. Claiming a co-share, Tony Blair says: "Don't forget the Dome!"

* There are no British football teams at Euro 2008, but armies of English fans turn up out of sheer force of habit, and set about the Scots fans, who have done likewise.

* China comes first in Gold Medal table at Beijing Olympics, Nobody knows how to raise the subject of drugs tactfully.

* Liverpool stages brilliant coup in its image reversal campaign. It stages a party at which the theme is "Sorry, Boris Johnson You Were Right and We Were Wrong!" Boris says he is tickled pink and now awaits a similar phone call from Portsmouth.

Last four months of next yeartomorrow!