Miles Kington: Ten ways to disguise a rerun in 'Radio Times'

'Performance artists never used to stand still for hours on end, dressed in silver robes'
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The Independent Online

Ten ways in which Radio Times avoids saying "Here is another dreary repeat..."

"Another chance to see..."

"Have I Got Old Fawlty Towers For You?"

"A reminder of last season's great success..."

"A profile of..."

"A welcome chance to see again the first series of..."

"A rare chance to see again the very first programme in the first series of..."

"A reshowing of one of the classic episodes of..."

"An episode of one of the greatest ever comedy classics..."

"Perhaps the greatest episode of possibly the greatest ever vintage comedy classic series..."

"Another failure of nerve on the part of the Controller of BBC 2..."

Ten names we give to unknown, anonymous people

Buggins

Muggins

Joe Soap

John Doe

Joe Bloggs

Jack Robinson

Darby and Joan

Uncle Tom Cobbley

Jack the Lad

Tom (Dick & Harry)

 

Ten things that have changed in our lifetime

People no longer stand still for the National Anthem (which is no longer played in cinemas when they close for the night).

There was a time when people did not go to pubs to take part in quizzes.

Obituaries have ceased to make Biblical references.

Screwdrivers no longer all have the same shaped end.

Everything can now be blamed on global warming.

Performance artists never used to stand still for hours on end, dressed in silver robes.

Football fans never painted their heads in their national colours.

Newspapers now come in different bits, none of which is ever called "the colour magazine" any more.

Nobody talks about 1984 any more.

 

Ten things that otherwise sane men find themselves doing for charity

They do parachute jumps.

They shave their hair off.

They walk till they are sick.

They swim till they drown.

They build rafts out of household objects and sink.

They dress up as nurses.

They push beds through the streets.

They dress up as babies.

They shave their moustaches off.

They grow beards.

 

Ten expressions that people use when they really mean: "Contains titillating sexual content"

Important

Strong

Serious

Uncompromising

Adult

Controversial

Outspoken

Post-watershed

Uncensored

Unflinching

 

Ten Top Displacement Activities

Reading the paper

Doing the dishes

Doing an Open University degree course

Going on the internet

Playing golf

Watching television

Going to church

Working

Living

Dying

 

Ten inappropriate things which smokers have been known to use to stub out a cigarette when they can't find an ashtray.

Flower pot

Cup of cold tea

Piece of soap

Old sandwich

Jam tart

Lavatory basin

Jar of cold cream

An apple

Their empty cigarette packet

That really nice wooden bowl we brought back from the Philippines which isn't meant to be used as an ashtray at all and which is now ruined.

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