Miles Kington: The Oscars finally come of age with a violent blockbuster

Share
Related Topics

The Golden Globes ceremony this year was my kind of ceremony. No party. No dinner. No speeches. Nothing. Just a list of winners and everyone going home without a goody bag, leaving only a big question hanging in the air: "Will the Oscars be just like this as well?"

The answer to which is, No. They will be totally different. I know this because I have seen the script drawn up by the Academy Awards 2008 Committee Specially Formed to Replace the Normal Writers Committee.

These Academy Award guys are wily old foxes, believe me, and as soon as they smelt trouble, months ago, they were on the case.

Don't believe me? Then get an eyeful of this scenario.

Scene: an interior, a room being used as a conference place. Nearly a dozen men are sprawled over the place, chatting and arguing. The head guy is called Chuck. The others are variously called Guy, Nathan, Andy, Bimbo, Mr India Rubber Man, Don, Foster, etc, etc.

Chuck: So that's the idea. We don't give up on the Academy Awards. We don't let the bastard writers beat us. We do what we are best at. We turn it into a movie instead!

Andy: Like, a hijack movie or something?

Guy: A heist movie?

Nathan: We could call it "Oscar's Eleven"!

Chuck: Very nice, Nat. But titles later. Story first. How does anyone see the plot . . .? Bimbo?

Bimbo: Everyone knows the real story behind the Oscars, and we have to keep to that. Skullduggery. Backyard vote-fixing. I'll vote for your leading lady if you vote for my original screenplay. Naked power play. But this time it's all out front. It'll be the first Oscar ceremony to spell it out openly!

Chuck: Meaning, how?

Don: Meaning, violently. Chuck: How violently?

Don: Very violently. See, here's the big scene. Man comes forward with big envelope. He opens it. He says: ". .And the award for Best Original Camerawork goes to . . ." and a shot rings out, and he falls dead. Before anyone can move, shadowy shapes fill the stage and a mystery figure with a quite different envelope says: "Please keep to your seats, ladies and gentlemen, and nobody will get hurt. At very short notice the prize for Best Original Camerawork has been reawarded to – Sidney Grunstock . . . !"

Foster: Who's Sid Grunstock?

Bimbo: Who cares? From the sound of it, he's dead meat already.

Chuck: Why?

Don: Because the enemies of Sid Grunstock want the award to go to someone else, and these people know they have got ten seconds maximum in which to kill Sid before he steps up and accepts the award.

Chuck: Who? What people? What's going on?

Nathan: Oh, Chuck, Chuck - you haven't been keeping up, have you? This is what modern Hollywood thrillers are like! Nobody understands the plot! Everything is bloodthirsty and violent and full of torture and darkness. That's why we are doing this script. This will be the Oscars come of age at last!

Chuck: I still don't understand. Bimbo: You shouldn't have said that, Chuck. We don't need people who don't understand. Mr India Rubber Man, take care of Chuck, would you?

India Rubber Man: Rub him out, you mean?

Bimbo: What else?

Mr India Rubber Man, who is actually a mutant left over from some robot heist movie where he never got into the script at all, moves obligingly over to Chuck and rubs him out. It is not a pretty sight. But nobody dares say so. People in the Academy Awards who speak up against violence tend to get found face down in a pile of rewrites the next morning.

Bimbo: A lot of you liked Chuck. I liked Chuck. So it was a damned shame we had to do that. If it's any comfort, we now know that he was a mole working for the FBI.

Several people present are about to say they are still not quite sure what is going on, but they all think better of it.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Application Support Analyst- (Customer Support) - £29,000

£29000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Application Support Analyst- (Customer Suppor...

Recruitment Genius: Laser Games Supervisor

£14500 - £15000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Recruitment Genius: PPC Executive / Manager

£22000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A PPC Executive/Manager is requ...

Ashdown Group: Service Delivery Manager - Retail / FMCG / WMS Operations

£55000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Service Delivery Manager - Retail / FMCG / WM...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Britons are enjoying a thriving sex-life well into their sixties, a survey has shown  

Surveys of people’s sex lives: how do we know what to believe?

Simon Kelner
The Independent journalist James Moore pictured outside Mile End underground station in east London  

From ‘coloured’ to ‘cripple’ - some words just don't belong in everyday language

James Moore
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee
World War Z author Max Brooks honours WW1's Harlem Hellfighters in new graphic novel

Max Brooks honours Harlem Hellfighters

The author talks about race, legacy and his Will Smith film option to Tim Walker
Why the league system no longer measures up

League system no longer measures up

Jon Coles, former head of standards at the Department of Education, used to be in charge of school performance rankings. He explains how he would reform the system
Valentine's Day cards: 5 best online card shops

Don't leave it to the petrol station: The best online card shops for Valentine's Day

Can't find a card you like on the high street? Try one of these sites for individual, personalised options, whatever your taste
Diego Costa: Devil in blue who upsets defences is a reminder of what Liverpool have lost

Devil in blue Costa is a reminder of what Liverpool have lost

The Reds are desperately missing Luis Suarez, says Ian Herbert
Ashley Giles: 'I'll watch England – but not as a fan'

Ashley Giles: 'I'll watch England – but not as a fan'

Former one-day coach says he will ‘observe’ their World Cup games – but ‘won’t be jumping up and down’
Greece elections: In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza

Greece elections

In times like these, the EU has far more dangerous adversaries than Syriza, says Patrick Cockburn
Holocaust Memorial Day: Nazi victims remembered as spectre of prejudice reappears

Holocaust Memorial Day

Nazi victims remembered as spectre of prejudice reappears over Europe
Fortitude and the Arctic attraction: Our fascination with the last great wilderness

Magnetic north

The Arctic has always exerted a pull, from Greek myth to new thriller Fortitude. Gerard Gilbert considers what's behind our fascination with the last great wilderness