One man assumes the mantle of high cliché

'Until the election's winner is decided, what bony part of the anatomy will both candidates be biting?'
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The Independent Online

As the American presidential election drama drags on and on, it's clearly time to send for the various trouble-shooters, and who better to turn an ear to than the dear old cliché expert?

As the American presidential election drama drags on and on, it's clearly time to send for the various trouble-shooters, and who better to turn an ear to than the dear old cliché expert?

How close is the American presidential election?

Very close.

No, it's even closer than that. How close is it?

Too close to call.

Very good. Down to what thin bit of metal has it gone?

Down to the wire.

On the edge of what other metal domestic implement is it all balanced?

On a knife-edge.

How many winners can there be in the whole affair?

Only one.

But until the winner is decided, what bony part of the anatomy will both candidates be biting?

Their nails.

Within what extant brain function is this the closest election that anyone can remember?

Within living memory.

Luckily, the American constitution is governed by two sets of things that they believe will get them through any crisis. Do you know what those two sets of things are?

No, I don't think so...

One of them is checks...

Ah! Checks and balances.

Very good. And when the winner is announced, what will he do to the White House?

Redecorate it?

No, that is the first lady's job. He will gain the White House.

Of course.

What equine piece of equipment will he then grasp?

The reins of power.

And what will he assume?

A new name?

No, no, be serious.

He will assume the mantle of office.

Will that be low office?

No - it will be high office.

What other item of household equipment will the new president make use of?

A broom.

Any old broom?

No, a new broom. He will need it to sweep clean.

And what new item of anatomy will he then introduce into the system?

New blood.

By introducing what other fresh parts of the anatomy?

New faces.

Good. But when the identity of those new faces are known, his opponents will accuse him of using what system of ageing children?

The old-boy network.

However, they will not criticise him immediately, because they will grant him an extension more often granted to newlyweds...

A honeymoon period.

Good. How long will that last?

Well, I should think roughly about...

No, it is an exact figure, referred to usually as the first...

The first hundred days!

Quite right. Meanwhile, unless a winner has been announced before we go to press, both candidates will have to lose moisture through what bodily process?

By sweating it out.

And looking further afield, of what has this all been a source to the rest of the world?

A source of innocent merriment.

Not untinged with what German emotion?

Schadenfreude?

Of course. Because it is always fun to see which elderly relative discomfited?

Uncle Sam.

And getting what chicken product on his features?

Egg on his face.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

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