Tales of the unconnected

'Some famous people write books so bad that they lose their fame. Even stars who have done a lot find it hard to get their life straight'

" Remember," said Tristram to us, "that there are two kinds of people who write autobiographies. Apart from ghostwriters, of course. There are very famous people, and people one has never heard of. The famous people have one great advantage. People are going to buy their book. The unknown people have one great advantage. Nobody can check the truth of what they say about their life."

Tristram runs the class where we are all learning to write our autobiography. We hang on his every word. Some of the class have been there for two years, which proves his effectiveness as a teacher, even if it doesn't say much for his ability to get people to finish their autobiographies.

"But do unknown people ever write their life story?" said Ursula.

Ironically, Ursula is writing her own life story. But she is only doing it to get her revenge on her mother for what she sees as a cruel childhood. The first draft of her book was almost entirely composed of tales about her mother's ghastliness. Tristram suggested having another go, and cutting some of the anti-mother stuff out. When she had finished the second draft and she let everyone read it, we found to our surprise that her mother was now mentioned nowhere in the book.

"I am cutting her out completely to get my own back," she explained.

"This may be obvious to your mother when she reads it," Tristram said, "but it may not strike the average reader."

"Damn the average reader," said Ursula.

"I wouldn't if I were you," said Tristram. "They buy your books."

That was then. Back to the present.

"So, do unknown people ever write their own life story?" said Ursula.

"Sure," said Tristram. "James Herriot was an unknown vet who wrote his own life story. Margaret Powell was an unknown retired domestic servant who wrote her own life story. They both became famous for the sparkling stories they told. Margaret Powell was never off the TV for many years. James Herriot was wiser. He was never on the TV."

"Why is that wiser?"

"Because if you're a vet," said Tristram, "there's nothing worse than having a cow, up whose behind you're about to put a gloved hand, turn round and say, ''Ere, haven't I seen you on the telly?'"

We laughed dutifully.

"But there must be lots of people who are unknown and write their life story and still remain unknown," said Max, who is our resident showbiz figure. ( He was an impressionist who was very good and on the verge of fame when he lost his temper during an appearance on The Basil Brush Show and attacked the wily fox physically. He never worked on television again.)

"Oh, sure," said Tristram. "Lots of rural bobbies and royal chauffeurs and country auctioneers who think that their stories will sell. But it sometimes happens that people who are very famous write their life stories, and the books are so bad that the authors actually lose their fame and become obscure."

"I can't think of anyone like that," said Max.

"Well, that proves it!" said Tristram triumphantly. "They've been forgotten already!"

We laughed again. You never know with Tristram whether he is uttering a deep truth or making a joke, so we generally play safe.

"Actually," said Tristram reflectively, "even stars who have done a lot find it hard to get their life straight. Do you know the story about Marlon Brando and his autobiography?"

We all pleaded not guilty.

"Well, apparently he delivered the manuscript and the publishers read it through and found none of the kiss-and-tell element they'd hoped for. So they got on the blower to him and said, 'Look, Marlon, where are the sexy bits we expected for our money?' And he said: 'What sexy bits?' And they said, 'Well, all these gorgeous girls you acted with – weren't there ever any passionate episodes? What about that film you made with Ursula Andress, for example? Did you and she ever... you know?'

"'I get you,' said Marlon, and he rang up Ursula Andress and said to her, 'Hey, you know that film we made together? Well, when we were filming, did we ever... you know?'"

There was a pause.

"Marlon Brando never made a film with Ursula Andress," said Max.

"It may not have been Marlon Brando," said Tristram.

"Whoever it was, is that story true?" said Ursula.

"In an autobiography lesson, that is the unforgivable question," said Tristram, and brought the class to a premature end for the day.