They think it's all overblown... it is now!

'The Chilean hates the rain and may well be the only Premiership player to take to the field with an umbrella'

It has been another busy two nights of European action for our teams in Europe, writes our roving football expert, René McGrit, another two nights of heartbreak, achievement, solid advance and surprising débâcle, as our footballers took the best of the native game to the heart of Europe's footballing fortresses and showed that we are frightened of nothing and nobody, though perhaps in some cases we ought to be, where are the results, Shirley? I can't go on waffling indefinitely without the scores to hand, thank you very much, here we go then...

It has been another busy two nights of European action for our teams in Europe, writes our roving football expert, René McGrit, another two nights of heartbreak, achievement, solid advance and surprising débâcle, as our footballers took the best of the native game to the heart of Europe's footballing fortresses and showed that we are frightened of nothing and nobody, though perhaps in some cases we ought to be, where are the results, Shirley? I can't go on waffling indefinitely without the scores to hand, thank you very much, here we go then...

It has been another frantic two nights of non-stop European action for our mighty mercenaries, writes our hard-bitten football correspondent, René McGrit, and for none more so than magnificent M1 Wanderers, who went to the rainswept plains of Flanders to give a footballing lesson to the lowly Dutch team FC Windmillhoeven and were beaten by them 6-1.

How was it possible for wonderful M1 Wanderers, the richest and most hated team in the world, to fall victim to the wiles of the mischievous Mynheers so comprehensively? Well, I talked to M1 Wanderers manager Ron Aston last night, who had the perfect explanation.

"This is the result we wanted, René. We have scored so many points in the Champions' Champions' League this year that it has become somewhat embarrassing, and people have become jealous of us - even somewhat apprehensive. Yes, they have. To the point where they don't even try against us. Well, when that happens, it's bad for football, bad for the game and bad for TV viewing figures, so I thought it was time for a humiliating defeat, and I decided to rest our top players, and all the other players as well, and to use just a few fans we met on the plane coming over. I said to them before the match: 'Look, lads - whatever your names are - just go out there and run and run and run, but don't bother about scoring goals,' and they did me proud. When people play M1 Wanderers in future, they're going to say, 'Wanderers have been walloped 6-1 by lowly FC Windmillhoeven, so we can do it, too!' Then we'll really give them a pasting. End of interview. That'll be £500 in cash, thanks, René..."

An exclusive interview there with Sir Ron Aston. Elsewhere in Europe, a battling, bruising encounter between the pride of the North, Bingley and Batley United, and the crack Turkish side Pralinas ended in a creditable 2-2 draw.

"The wet pitch didn't do anyone any favours," said Bingley manager Steve Gudgeon after the match. "Our new Chilean defender Saboroso isn't really used to these kinds of conditions - in fact, I don't think he's ever seen rain before - and our old Chilean defender Sandinista has seen rain before but hates it and may well be the only defender in the Premiership to take the field with an umbrella and try to play with it. It's always taken off him before kick-off by the ref, but he never learns and always tries again! Good old Sandy! That'll be £200 in cash, René - ta ever so."

Meanwhile, in France, the high-flying Scottish team Waverley Novels took on the top intellectual Paris team FC Philosophie in an absorbing 0-0 draw - or was it? Here's Scottish manager Jean-Paul McMillan.

"We were asking all the questions last night, René, but were the French lads coming up with the right answers? Hard to say, really. Their use of footnoted material was magnificent; their research was magnificent; but their mainstream reading of the text left a lot to be desired. They did some probing around the penalty area, but when our lads riposted with, like, 'OK - what do you mean by "penalty"?' and, 'Area? Define your terms!' - well, they knew they had a match on our hands. That'll be 50 quid in cash, René - or will it? Who knows?"

Other results in brief:

Cup-Losers Cup Sporting Anorak ........................0 Bonjour Trieste ........................0

AC Milan ........................0 DC Milan ........................0 (ref sent off after 87min)

Uefa Loving Cup Darling Prague ........................0 Kiss o'the North ........................0

Uefa Fruit Cup Sporting Boys of Vienna ...............0 Nancy ........................0