Will anyone buy this war?

Americans test everything from a new biscuit to a new TV show. So, naturally, they will want to pre-test a war with Saddam Hussein

You're through to the Iraq war helpline. If you have any questions about the forthcoming war against Iraq, please ask them now.

When Tony Blair says that any reaction to Saddam Hussein's unacceptable regime will be a "considered and measured" response, what does he mean by that?

One doesn't ask what world leaders mean by anything. For a start, they won't tell you. For another thing, they don't know.

All right, let's go back a few squares. What does one mean by a "world leader"?

Well, the one thing we don't mean is a "leader of the world". We have not elected any leaders of the world, and no one has elected themselves as leader of the world, so there is no such thing, literally, as a "world leader".

Of course, Muslims would say that Muhammed is a world leader and Christians would say that Jesus...

Sure, sure, and Catholics would say that the Pope is a world leader. Let's keep this sensible, shall we?

All right. What is commonly meant by a "world leader"?

A man who has been declared leader of his own country, which happens to be part of the world. This election may be disputed, as in George Bush's case, or it may be fraudulent, as in Robert Mugabe's case, or it may be a joke played by the Italians on the rest of the world, as in Silvio Berlusconi's case, but if the country concerned does not throw out its "leader", then he must be accepted as such. Then all the countries in the world can call their own leader a world leader.

So the president of Turkmenistan is as much of a world leader as Bush is?

Is there really a country called Turkmenistan?

I think I read about it in 'The Week'.

Oh. Fair enough. Well, yes, he is then. But, of course, that's like saying that Plymouth Argyle is a league team as much as Arsenal is.

Are world leaders in a league situation, then?

Sure. You've got a premier division with the USA, China, Russia and so on, then a first division with Saudi Arabia, Sweden etc, then a second division with Peru, Belgium and so on. It's all sponsored, just like real football.

Who by?

Big companies.

Which ones?

I can't tell you. We're not allowed to.

But I thought the whole object of sponsorship was to get publicity.

Not in the World Leader Stakes. It's the other way round there. The idea is for sponsors to get maximum profits and minimum publicity.

So, how will world leaders make war against Saddam Hussein in a "measured and considered way"?

They will do audience research first.

Pardon?

It's the American way. It's the way Americans test anything, from a new biscuit to a new TV show. They don't put anything on the market until it has been pre-tested with sample audiences, so they can see if public reaction justifies full investment.

I see. But how do you pre-test a war?

You pre-float news of it, which is what Bush has been doing. You try out various scenarios on test audiences, from bombing to full invasion. You demonise your enemy. You try out small-scale versions of the real thing.

Have they been doing tryouts?

Sure. What do you think the Gulf War was for?

Are you saying the Americans can treat war like any other product?

I am saying they can't treat it any other way. I remember one time I was in Texas I noticed a new local sparkling bottled water called Artesian. The slogan was "Kick Perrier in the derrière!". You see? War... marketing... it's all the same thing.

That's terrible!

It certainly is. The idea that people in America think that Perrier rhymes with derrière – it's awful!

And when will the Americans make a decision about the war against Iraq, and put it into production?

When the marketing division thinks the time is right. And when the other world leaders have fallen in line behind Tony Blair.

How can a world leader allow himself to be called Tony?

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