Rebecca Tyrrel: 'Since early adulthood, Fergie has never set eyes on an Eccles cake without emitting a yelp'

Share
Related Topics

Who knew that Fergie always screams on sighting a cake? This is not the Fergie who manages Manchester United, and it is said screams at his players regardless of whether any patisserie products are present. Nor is it the Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, although Will.i.am's sidekick is eccentric enough to scream at anything at all for no good reason.

This is Fergie, Duchess of York, and while there is nothing I can find that has been written about it (I heard it mentioned on Radio 4) I don't think the cake-screaming is an OCD but something she has used as an aversion-therapy technique for a long time. Since early adulthood, Fergiana, who sources her comfort eating to the childhood trauma of her mother leaving the family home ("I took my grief and pain and ate it away"), has never set eyes on a Battenburg, a Dundee, a Black Forest, or even an Eccles without emitting a piercing yelp.

Judging by the fluctuations in girth, this method has had mixed success. One does not become a global ambassador for WeightWatchers, as she was until the organisation decided to slim its budget, without putting away one's own – and many other people's, come to that – fair share of gateaux. In fact, it could well be that WeightWatchers signed her up to buy her silence out of fear that, if this rival method to being weighed and shamed each week ever got out, it would put them out of business.

If the cake-screaming won her that prestigious post, it has cost her others. She will never, for example, be a global ambassador for Mr Kipling, even if she does make exceedingly good shrieks. And any chance she once had of fighting her financial difficulties with a job in a cake shop has vanished. Well, it just wouldn't work, would it? "Excuse me, Miss ... sorry, excuse me, Your Grace, but how much is that cake?" "Which one?" "That one there." "Aaaarghhhh." "OK, what about the one over there – the coffee and walnut one?" "Eeeeeeek!" She wouldn't last five minutes.

Still, it does suggest a lucrative commercial opportunity. Fergie could bring out her own mass-produced cake modelled on Munch's best-known painting, marketed on the theory that the scream screamed because it saw her. A cake that screams at the sight of the Duchess of York might strike a profitable reciprocal chord with a nation that would know, all too well, how it felt.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Tradewind Recruitment: English Teacher

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: My client is an excellent, large partially ...

Tradewind Recruitment: Science Teacher

£90 - £140 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: I am currently working in partnersh...

Tradewind Recruitment: Year 3 Primary Teacher

£100 - £150 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Year 3 Teacher Birmingham Jan 2015...

Ashdown Group: Lead Web Developer (ASP.NET, C#) - City of London

£45000 - £50000 per annum + Excellent benefits: Ashdown Group: Lead Web Develo...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

i Editor's Letter: Science versus religion in the three-parent baby debate

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Kylie has helped to boost viewing figures for the talent show  

When an Aussie calls you a ‘bastard’, you know you’ve arrived

Howard Jacobson
Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

Cabbage is king again

Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

Paul Scholes column

The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

Frank Warren's Ringside

No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee