Rebecca Tyrrel: Sir Alan Sugar will climb into his Rolls Royce shouting, 'You're fired!' at the lot of them

 

Share

Who knew that Sir Alan Sugar is not the only BBC1 prime-time star in his family? His niece, Rita Simons, plays Roxy Mitchell in EastEnders, and for those who are easily confused by soap life versus real life, this means that he is also related to Peggy Mitchell, otherwise known as Barbara Windsor, another east Londoner who refuses to suffer fools.

Continuing with this pleasing soap/real-life mash-up, we are able to see how Baron Sugar of Clapton is related to Old Etonian, Charlie Brooks. Here goes: Sir Alan Sugar, as we now know, is the uncle of Rita Simons who plays Roxy in EastEnders. Roxy is the cousin of Grant Mitchell, aka Ross Kemp. Ross Kemp was the first husband of the former Sun editor Rebekah Wade (she was once arrested for an alleged assault on him). Rebekah Wade is now married to Charlie Brooks. Voila!

But back to Rita and her Uncle Sir Alan. "Sir Alan Sugar is my uncle," she confirms, "…and he's much nicer in real life… Yes, he's still straight-talking, but he's a lot kinder… We went to their place in Marbella for lunch last summer. But generally, it's funerals, weddings, bar mitzvahs and awards ceremonies."

Ah, yes, those awards ceremonies, bringing families together: Uncle Sir Alan over there, picking up for The Apprentice; his lovely niece Rita collecting her Most Popular Newcomer award; and there in the corner are cousins by soap-land marriage, Charlie and Rebekah, being arrested (not again, Rebekah!) for their involvement in the News of The World phone-hacking scandal.

Uncle Sir Alan will probably lose his temper at this point because he has been ferociously critical of the tabloid malpractice for which Mrs Brooks awaits trial. So a lively family knees-up will surely ensue, during which Uncle Sir Alan will probably urge Grant to have a word with his ex-missus, which will inevitably lead to Ross Kemp asking Charlie Brooks outside for a punch-up.

Here they will encounter another Charlie Brooks, the actress who plays Roxy's sister, Ronnie, who won I'm a Celebrity… this year. Barbara Windsor will attempt to bring order out of the chaos, but she becomes confused when another Ronnie (Knight), her ex-husband, turns up along with the ghost of his friend, yet another Ronnie (Kray). In the meantime, Uncle Sir Alan will climb into his Rolls shouting "You're fired!" at not just the Ronnies and the Charlies, but the whole bloomin' lot of them. Honestly, families.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Qualified Primary Teaching Assistant

£64 - £73 per day + Competitive rates based on experience : Randstad Education...

Primary KS2 NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Primary NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Primary NQTs required in Lambeth

£117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Piper Ryan Randall leads a pro-Scottish independence rally in the suburbs of Edinburgh  

i Editor's Letter: Britain survives, but change is afoot

Oliver Duff Oliver Duff
Some believe that David Cameron is to blame for allowing Alex Salmond a referendum  

Scottish referendum: So how about the English now being given a chance to split from England?

Mark Steel
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam