Gary Goldsmith, Kate Middleton's uncle, is a right royal party planner. Bottoms up!

Another Middleton family member is planning to write a book, hopefully with better sales than the last effort. Thank goodness our writer has had a sneak preview

Share

Rumours are flying that Kate Middleton’s ne’er-do-well uncle, Gary Goldsmith, is planning to write a book.

The tattooed, thrice-married property developer, who made millions out of IT recruitment before he was 30 and reportedly used to keep a box of cocaine at the end of his bed, is being a bit vague about the content. “It’s very early days but I would love to write a book,” he said yesterday. “I hope people will be interested in me, and not because of my family.”

Well, yes, we’re very interested in Gary, and his Ibiza villa tastefully named the Hotel de Bang Bang, and his much-reported “dark side”. In fact, we hope he’ll emulate his niece Pippa and write a book about party planning. In fact, hang on, I’m almost sure I’ve seen an early copy…

Getting Ready

You need to put a lot of care into your outfit. I mean you’re the host, right? So choose nice grey tracksuit bottoms for informal feel. Classy trainers, Vans or similar. Nice string vest in edgy colour (yellow) under black short-sleeved shirt, wiv four buttons undone so everyone can see pendant saying “NUTTER” in rhinestones.

Accessories

Show you’ve made a special effort as host by getting a new tattoo. Choose your parlour carefully. Inky Pinky in the Old Kent Road will do you a nice mermaid wiv chainsaw for £40. Plan to have it done a week in advance, so the bandages will be off and the bleeding mostly stopped when guests arrive.

Venue

It’s totally crucial you chose the right gaff for your party or you’ll look a right plonker. Too quiet and everybody’ll piss off early. Too garish and they’ll think you’re dead common. I recommend the Horny Hippo in Shoreditch, the Randy Badger in Brixton or the Screaming Fanny in Poplar. The girls are very clean, and that Margje one, the Bosnian in Poplar, she’ll stick her arse right in your boat-race for a score.

Décor

Lots of searchlights whizzing around, like the end of The X Factor. Disco mirrorball. Ibiza Rocks compilation played at loud volume. DJ Bleepy on the Ones and Twos. Maybe some wild animals wandering about, jaguars and that, panthers whatever, with diamanty collars. Muzzled obv, we don’t want them taking a bite out of Margje, do we?

Games

Everyone likes Monopoly, don’t they? In my version, 12 people play for real money, but the roads marked on the board are real roads where I got real properties! You should see their faces as my associate Keith advises them about swift payment. Twister is popular, especially when played wiv Margje, Heidi and Ulrich.

Refreshments

Nothing makes a party go wiv a swing like Lambrusco and Red Bull. Unless it’s my own cocktail, the Crack House Hooker, which is four parts Tesco in, five parts Lidl Rum, 10 parts Morrisons Ouzo and an olive (optional). For food, you need to speak to my associate Colin, of Colin’s Cut-Price Caterers, who’ll do you a nice hog roast from Romania for £1,250.

As for drugs, WE DO NOT ALLOW ANY DRUG-TAKING IN THE LAVVIES IS THAT CLEAR? Instead, there’s be old bald midget geezers wandering around wiv lines of cocaine on their heads so you can lean down and have a snort as they pass by. It’s all about style, you know?

Worse than a bad review

Writers smarting under a disobliging review must feel for Akram Aylisli, the Azerbaijani author whose Stone Dreams prompted a hate campaign. A politician promises £8,000 to anyone who cuts off Aylisli’s ears. Interesting the body-part should be the organ of hearing rather the instrument of offence, namely his hand or fingers. Stone Dreams details the war between Azerbaijan and Armenia in the 1990s, and the struggle for peace.

The government clearly has read only the bits about fighting. A Presidential aide has announced: “If a person has no national spirit, he cannot have a sense of humanity”, which is nonsense. As Dr Johnson almost said, national spirit is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Bookkeeper

£19000 - £21000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Small Family Accountancy Practi...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Manager - OTE £50,000

£18000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company is recruiting for ...

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Manager / Account Manager

£20000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This B2B software supplier, spe...

Recruitment Genius: Systems Application Analyst - Data, SQL

£22000 - £29000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This fast growing SaaS (Softwar...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

'You’re just jealous', and other common misconceptions about the Protein World advert

Hannah Atkinson
Dave Brown's cartoon for the 28 April edition of The Independent  

After five years of completely flaccid leadership, I'm glad something 'pumps up' David Cameron

Joe Sandler Clarke
Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

Aviation history is littered with grand failures

But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

Fortress Europe?

Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

Never mind what you're wearing

It's what you're reclining on that matters
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence