Men, I call on you all to stop driving

A spontaneous road race is enough to put me off cars for life

Share
Related Topics

I have to be a little careful in discussing this, for reasons which are self-evident, but I really think that legislation is overdue that states you may be in possession of either a car or a penis, but not both. And certainly not at the same time. A penis in a car is never a good thing. Well, it depends on your preferences, I suppose, but from a strict road safety standpoint, I’d shy away from penises in cars. Unless those cars are being driven by someone with a vagina. A woman, perhaps.

In all honesty, men really need to stop driving. Okay? That’s it. Put down your keys, brothers. None of this noise and smell and aggression and danger and cost and swearing and bad radio is worth it. We are just not suited to the craft of driving automobiles. We have tried for decades to get to an emotional space where driving a car doesn’t turn us into enormous planks, but sadly it seems that being in control of a car makes men behave in a far worse fashion than when they are walking. Or varnishing a sideboard. Or eating Pringles.

Driving reduces us. It gives us jutting edges, awkward angles and shorter fuses. If you look at the situation rationally, we’re not as suited to driving as women. We tried, but it’s just not to be.

Granted, we are extremely good at it when it comes to competitive driving (and by that I mean the kind of driving where your overalls and helmet are covered with sponsors’ logos, not the kind which happens during the school run when you would rather die than let that effing BMW into my LANE! There’s no right turn, you A***!”).

Put us on a race track, where all the cars are going the one way; where there’s no room in the car for a sim-card, never mind a mobile phone; where there are no traffic lights or yellow boxes or lollipop ladies; put us in that environment and we are kings, so much so that they crown us with leaves and let us spray champagne in the air.

That is not to suggest, of course, that women aren’t every bit as adept as men at race-car driving. But they have the added bonus of being far more suited to regular-people driving. As all-round motorists, women take it every time.

And the reason I mention any of this is that it is all very close to home. When I drive my car, I’m not as well-balanced as the man I am when I am riding my motor scooter - and I mean that spiritually, rather than paradoxically. I am quicker to anger and more impatient and they are traits of which I am utterly sick. As is my wife. So I am really trying to calm the hell down and let it all wash over me.

However, even in the midst of my Honda Zen composure when I am riding my bike, there are moments of madness. Like last night, for instance. I was riding home from working at the paper. It was about 11pm. I was some five minutes from home when this huge and very sleek car overtook me illegally on the inside, travelling at, oh, around a thousand miles an hour. Maybe twelve hundred.

My eyes went funny and green flesh began to appear from beneath my ripping clothes, as the raging spirit which dwells within me began to wake and wonder why he had such a desire to PUNCH something! I squeezed the throttle and began my pursuit, logic shaking his head sadly and making for the door, with reason a pace behind.

At the next set of lights, our anti-hero was sitting on the front row. I pulled alongside and had a look to see how big and tough he was and if it would be prudent to call him a tit. On this occasion, that would be no, as he looked a bit like James Gandolfini. The south London remix. He may even have had a crocodile in his boot. I impassively looked away and sat there, waiting for the green.

The lights changed and I rode off, but he quickly undertook me again and took the lead in our nonsensical race, until he reached more traffic. I passed him again and he then began tailgating me, flashing his headlights and trying to force me into the oncoming lane. This went on for a minute or so and I was beginning to contemplate actually shitting myself, but I managed to sneak in between two cars in front of him where he couldn’t get at me.

I was soon home and, as I turned into the drive, he sped past, glaring at me and making “you play with your own willy” gestures, clearly massively irate.

I stood next to my bike and watched him roar off and then make the jump to light speed. Via Bexleyheath.

I again drew a weary breath and cursed my temper. Yes, he had been a knob. But why had I sped after him and eyeballed him at the lights? Who am I… the Scooter Avenger? Here to right wrongs?

Actually, that might be an idea. I think London needs a champion to patrol the capital and be a force for good. All I need is a costume. What do you think… cape? No cape? What about colours? And a logo. Something to be projected onto the sky at night. If you have any ideas, do a sketch of how you think I would look on one side of a sheet of A4 paper and send it to the usual Blue Peter address. Sorry, but we can’t return your drawings.

On second thoughts, the superhero hasn’t been born that could make men better drivers. Sadly, the die is cast.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Database Administrator

£300 - £350 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: The role could involve w...

Science Teacher

£21000 - £35000 per annum: Randstad Education Cambridge: Qualified secondary s...

Deputy Head of Science

£22000 - £36000 per annum + MPR / UPR: Randstad Education Southampton: Our cli...

Finance Manager - Recruitment Business (Media & Entertainment)

£28000 - £35000 per annum + negotiable: Sauce Recruitment: We have an exciting...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Nigel Farage has urged supporters to buy Mike Read's Ukip Calypso song and push it up to the No 1 spot  

My limerick response to Mike Read’s Ukip Calypso

Simon Kelner
The number of ring ouzels have seen a 30 per cent decline in the last 10 years  

How the sight of flocks of ring ouzels helps to turn autumn into the new spring

Michael McCarthy
Indiana serial killer? Man arrested for murdering teenage prostitute confesses to six other murders - and police fear there could be many more

A new American serial killer?

Police fear man arrested for murder of teen prostitute could be responsible for killing spree dating back 20 years
Sweetie, the fake 10-year-old girl designed to catch online predators, claims her first scalp

Sting to trap paedophiles may not carry weight in UK courts

Computer image of ‘Sweetie’ represented entrapment, experts say
Fukushima nuclear crisis: Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on - and may never return home

Return to Fukushima – a land they will never call home again

Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on from nuclear disaster
Wildlife Photographer of the Year: Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize

Wildlife Photographer of the Year

Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize
Online petitions: Sign here to change the world

Want to change the world? Just sign here

The proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?
Ed Sheeran hits back after being labelled too boring to headline festivals

'You need me, I don’t need you'

Ed Sheeran hits back after being labelled too boring to headline festivals
How to Get Away with Murder: Shonda Rhimes reinvents the legal drama

How to Get Away with Murder

Shonda Rhimes reinvents the legal drama
A cup of tea is every worker's right

Hard to swallow

Three hospitals in Leicester have banned their staff from drinking tea and coffee in public areas. Christopher Hirst explains why he thinks that a cuppa is every worker's right
Which animals are nearly extinct?

Which animals are nearly extinct?

Conservationists in Kenya are in mourning after the death of a white northern rhino, which has left the species with a single male. These are the other species on the brink
12 best children's shoes

Perfect for leaf-kicking: 12 best children's shoes

Find footwear perfect to keep kids' feet protected this autumn
Anderlecht vs Arsenal: Gunners' ray of light Aaron Ramsey shines again

Arsenal’s ray of light ready to shine again

Aaron Ramsey’s injury record has prompted a club investigation. For now, the midfielder is just happy to be fit to face Anderlecht in the Champions League
Comment: David Moyes' show of sensitivity thrown back in his face by former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson

Moyes’ show of sensitivity thrown back in his face... by Ferguson

Manchester United legend tramples on successor who resisted criticising his inheritance
Two super-sized ships have cruised into British waters, but how big can these behemoths get?

Super-sized ships: How big can they get?

Two of the largest vessels in the world cruised into UK waters last week
British doctors on brink of 'cure' for paralysis with spinal cord treatment

British doctors on brink of cure for paralysis

Sufferers can now be offered the possibility of cure thanks to a revolutionary implant of regenerative cells
Ranked seventh in world’s best tourist cities - not London, or Edinburgh, but Salisbury

Lonely Planet’s Best in Travel 2015

UK city beats Vienna, Paris and New York to be ranked seventh in world’s best tourist destinations - but it's not London