Pass my yellow corduroys, I'm moving house

I am going to brush up on my country etiquette, feign an interest in farming


After living in the same village for 10 years, I am moving house. I'm looking forward to it as I love change and think it's good for the soul. Things are going to be very different for me, however, as I am moving from south to north. I'm making the transition over the A40 to the north Cotswolds. Geographically it's a 20-minute drive, but socially it's a different world. I'm moving into the realm of the "arserati" as someone described the people driving around in black Range Rovers and hanging out at the ludicrously pricey Daylesford Organic farm. It is total coincidence that I have just bought a black Range Rover, but I need it to transport the gold-plated Daylesford aubergines back to my new home. I knew that I should not ever be in Daylesford when I found myself buying a bottle of "lavender scented water" for my iron – it's no place for a sane person.

I'm also moving into "proper" country as opposed to the relatively urban south. This means that I am going to have to brush up on my country etiquette. I'm going to have to pretend to be interested in farming, chat about horses, and try to pretend that people wearing mustard-coloured cords and pink shirts is not hilarious.

The best part of moving, however, is that I will have land, and land means one thing – boys' toys. I'm going to avoid the usual cliché which is the quad bike; history dictates that anyone in show business moving to the country buys a quad bike and then suffers a near-fatal accident. I've been in the country for over 10 years but have never had the urge to ride a quad bike. They are incredibly uncomfortable and, to my mind, rather pointless. I'm rather keen on building a zip-line and a tree fort for my kids but I am totally impractical so I might have to persuade Stacey to do this for me. This will leave me with time to trawl the internet and get a lot of stuff that I will use once and then never return to.

When I moved into my current home I got very excited by finding a gun shop in Cirencester. I bought paintball guns, air rifles and pistols until our home started to look a little like Ted Nugent's pad and Stacey called a halt to the whole thing. I have a feeling that this time I am going to become interested in mini-motorbikes. This will last about as long as it takes for the first one to arrive, and for me to put my son on it, and for him to career out of control into a tree. The mini-motorbike will then be confiscated and I will have to look elsewhere for kicks.

My new place comes with a ride-on mower that looks quite exciting in itself. The last owner tried to show me how it worked and I nodded as he explained stuff, but I am none the wiser and do not hold out much hope for smooth cut lawns. Maybe I should buy a tractor and when I'm bored just head out and hold up traffic? I smell good times ahead.

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