That Psy never thought of Watermelon Style

 

Share
Related Topics

It was off to Scotland last week for some filming in one of my favourite UK cities – Glasgow. I used to be quite scared of Glasgow, as I was once beaten up there back in my Goth days. Nowadays there are new laws protecting Goths from harassment, and I could take my persecutors to court and win damages that I could use to buy loads of cider, black paint, and books by Rimbaud. I assume that Goths could always have taken people to court for beating them up, but it would just be that the Goth element would not be an issue whereas now … it is. God bless Dave Cameron and all who sail in him.

Anyhoo, I was in Glasgow, a far friendlier place nowadays, to do some hidden camera stuff. Things didn't start brilliantly as we were in a Novotel, and in my experience this does not always bode well for comfort or luxury.

"Don't worry," said my production coordinator, "you've got an executive room." You can imagine my excitement at this news. What penthouse pleasure awaited me, I wondered as the weary lift made unsteady progress up to the fifth floor? Well, the answer was … not a lot. I was distinctly underwhelmed by my lodgings and decided to compare my executive room with a bog-standard, non-executive, worker-bee room. I couldn't really see much difference except I had a coffee machine and a separate loo. So much for executive perks. Little wonder that execs raid our pension funds and insider deal like it's going out of fashion. I mean, there wasn't even a trouser press and how is an executive supposed to go to work with unpressed trousers?

I headed out into the Glasgow night and ended up at one of my favourite UK eateries – the Wee Curry Shop. It is what it says on the tin – a curry house that is very, very, wee. It must take about 20 people in total but the food is magnificent. I have to admit to over-indulging on the spice. I love hot food and have little self-control when it's about.

This is not normally a problem, except that I hadn't checked what I was filming the next day. It turned out that I was in prosthetics for three hours to become a watermelon, before squeezing into a tiny display box with only my head sticking out of a very small hole. It would be accurate to say that I was in some discomfort from top to bottom all day. This culminated in the back end of me holding on tight to preserve its dignity while a blind Glaswegian man fondled my watermelon head in a state of confusion.

To make matters more surreal, I started to get a lot of Tweets asking me if I was in Cannes? It turned out that a Psy (the South Korean "Gangnam Style" and now "Gentleman" guy) impersonator was doing the rounds of the celebrity parties, replete with bodyguards, and fooling the great and the not-so-good. I looked at the photographs of the fraudster and had to admit that he was a pretty good likeness to my pre-intermittent fasting self. I can hereby confirm, however, that Psy is not I. I have better things to do with my life ... like sitting in a box pretending to be fruit.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Austen Lloyd: Private Client Solicitor - Oxford

Excellent Salary : Austen Lloyd: OXFORD - REGIONAL FIRM - An excellent opportu...

Austen Lloyd: Clinical Negligence Associate / Partner - Bristol

Super Package: Austen Lloyd: BRISTOL - SENIOR CLINICAL NEGLIGENCE - An outstan...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Consultant - Solar Energy - OTE £50,000

£15000 - £50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Fantastic opportunities are ava...

Recruitment Genius: Compute Engineer

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: A Compute Engineer is required to join a globa...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Amjad Bashir said Ukip had become a 'party of ruthless self-interest'  

Could Ukip turncoat Amjad Bashir be the Churchill of his day?

Matthew Norman
King Abdullah made Saudi Arabia prosperous but had absolute disregard for what liberal Westerners would view as basic human rights  

The media cannot ignore tricky questions when someone dies - but it must stick to the facts

Will Gore
Iraq invasion 2003: The bloody warnings six wise men gave to Tony Blair as he prepared to launch poorly planned campaign

What the six wise men told Tony Blair

Months before the invasion of Iraq in 2003, experts sought to warn the PM about his plans. Here, four of them recall that day
25 years of The Independent on Sunday: The stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century

25 years of The Independent on Sunday

The stories, the writers and the changes over the last quarter of a century
Homeless Veterans appeal: 'Really caring is a dangerous emotion in this kind of work'

Homeless Veterans appeal

As head of The Soldiers' Charity, Martin Rutledge has to temper compassion with realism. He tells Chris Green how his Army career prepared him
Wu-Tang Clan and The Sexual Objects offer fans a chance to own the only copies of their latest albums

Smash hit go under the hammer

It's nice to pick up a new record once in a while, but the purchasers of two latest releases can go a step further - by buying the only copy
Geeks who rocked the world: Documentary looks back at origins of the computer-games industry

The geeks who rocked the world

A new documentary looks back at origins of the computer-games industry
Belle & Sebastian interview: Stuart Murdoch reveals how the band is taking a new direction

Belle & Sebastian is taking a new direction

Twenty years ago, Belle & Sebastian was a fey indie band from Glasgow. It still is – except today, as prime mover Stuart Murdoch admits, it has a global cult following, from Hollywood to South Korea
America: Land of the free, home of the political dynasty

America: Land of the free, home of the political dynasty

These days in the US things are pretty much stuck where they are, both in politics and society at large, says Rupert Cornwell
A graphic history of US civil rights – in comic book form

A graphic history of US civil rights – in comic book form

A veteran of the Fifties campaigns is inspiring a new generation of activists
Winston Churchill: the enigma of a British hero

Winston Churchill: the enigma of a British hero

A C Benson called him 'a horrid little fellow', George Orwell would have shot him, but what a giant he seems now, says DJ Taylor
Growing mussels: Precious freshwater shellfish are thriving in a unique green project

Growing mussels

Precious freshwater shellfish are thriving in a unique green project
Diana Krall: The jazz singer on being friends with Elton John, outer space and skiing in Dubai

Diana Krall interview

The jazz singer on being friends with Elton John, outer space and skiing in Dubai
Pinstriped for action: A glimpse of what the very rich man will be wearing this winter

Pinstriped for action

A glimpse of what the very rich man will be wearing this winter
Russell T Davies & Ben Cook: 'Our friendship flourished online. You can share some very revelatory moments at four in the morning…'

Russell T Davies & Ben Cook: How we met

'Our friendship flourished online. You can share some very revelatory moments at four in the morning…'
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef serves up his favourite Japanese dishes

Bill Granger's Japanese recipes

Stock up on mirin, soy and miso and you have the makings of everyday Japanese cuisine
Michael Calvin: How we need more Eric Cantonas to knock some sense into us

Michael Calvin's Last Word

How we need more Eric Cantonas to knock some sense into us