That Psy never thought of Watermelon Style

 

Share
Related Topics

It was off to Scotland last week for some filming in one of my favourite UK cities – Glasgow. I used to be quite scared of Glasgow, as I was once beaten up there back in my Goth days. Nowadays there are new laws protecting Goths from harassment, and I could take my persecutors to court and win damages that I could use to buy loads of cider, black paint, and books by Rimbaud. I assume that Goths could always have taken people to court for beating them up, but it would just be that the Goth element would not be an issue whereas now … it is. God bless Dave Cameron and all who sail in him.

Anyhoo, I was in Glasgow, a far friendlier place nowadays, to do some hidden camera stuff. Things didn't start brilliantly as we were in a Novotel, and in my experience this does not always bode well for comfort or luxury.

"Don't worry," said my production coordinator, "you've got an executive room." You can imagine my excitement at this news. What penthouse pleasure awaited me, I wondered as the weary lift made unsteady progress up to the fifth floor? Well, the answer was … not a lot. I was distinctly underwhelmed by my lodgings and decided to compare my executive room with a bog-standard, non-executive, worker-bee room. I couldn't really see much difference except I had a coffee machine and a separate loo. So much for executive perks. Little wonder that execs raid our pension funds and insider deal like it's going out of fashion. I mean, there wasn't even a trouser press and how is an executive supposed to go to work with unpressed trousers?

I headed out into the Glasgow night and ended up at one of my favourite UK eateries – the Wee Curry Shop. It is what it says on the tin – a curry house that is very, very, wee. It must take about 20 people in total but the food is magnificent. I have to admit to over-indulging on the spice. I love hot food and have little self-control when it's about.

This is not normally a problem, except that I hadn't checked what I was filming the next day. It turned out that I was in prosthetics for three hours to become a watermelon, before squeezing into a tiny display box with only my head sticking out of a very small hole. It would be accurate to say that I was in some discomfort from top to bottom all day. This culminated in the back end of me holding on tight to preserve its dignity while a blind Glaswegian man fondled my watermelon head in a state of confusion.

To make matters more surreal, I started to get a lot of Tweets asking me if I was in Cannes? It turned out that a Psy (the South Korean "Gangnam Style" and now "Gentleman" guy) impersonator was doing the rounds of the celebrity parties, replete with bodyguards, and fooling the great and the not-so-good. I looked at the photographs of the fraudster and had to admit that he was a pretty good likeness to my pre-intermittent fasting self. I can hereby confirm, however, that Psy is not I. I have better things to do with my life ... like sitting in a box pretending to be fruit.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Environmental Adviser - Maternity Cover

£37040 - £43600 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The UK's export credit agency a...

Recruitment Genius: CBM & Lubrication Technician

£25000 - £27500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides a compreh...

Recruitment Genius: Care Worker - Residential Emergency Service

£16800 - £19500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Would you like to join an organ...

Recruitment Genius: Senior Landscaper

£25000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: In the last five years this com...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: Whoever and whatever Arthur was, he wasn’t Scottish

Guy Keleny
Labour's Jeremy Corbyn arrives to take part in a Labour party leadership final debate, at the Sage in Gateshead, England, Thursday, Sept. 3  

Jeremy Corbyn is here to stay and the Labour Party is never going to look the same again

Andrew Grice
The long walk west: they fled war in Syria, only to get held up in Hungary – now hundreds of refugees have set off on foot for Austria

They fled war in Syria...

...only to get stuck and sidetracked in Hungary
From The Prisoner to Mad Men, elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series

Title sequences: From The Prisoner to Mad Men

Elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series. But why does the art form have such a chequered history?
Giorgio Armani Beauty's fabric-inspired foundations: Get back to basics this autumn

Giorgio Armani Beauty's foundations

Sumptuous fabrics meet luscious cosmetics for this elegant look
From stowaways to Operation Stack: Life in a transcontinental lorry cab

Life from the inside of a trucker's cab

From stowaways to Operation Stack, it's a challenging time to be a trucker heading to and from the Continent
Kelis interview: The songwriter and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell and crying over potatoes

Kelis interview

The singer and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell
Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia...

But will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi, asks Robert Fisk
Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Humanity must be at the heart of politics, says Jeremy Corbyn
Joe Biden's 'tease tour': Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?

Joe Biden's 'tease tour'

Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?
Britain's 24-hour culture: With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever

Britain's 24-hour culture

With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever
Diplomacy board game: Treachery is the way to win - which makes it just like the real thing

The addictive nature of Diplomacy

Bullying, betrayal, aggression – it may be just a board game, but the family that plays Diplomacy may never look at each other in the same way again
Lady Chatterley's Lover: Racy underwear for fans of DH Lawrence's equally racy tome

Fashion: Ooh, Lady Chatterley!

Take inspiration from DH Lawrence's racy tome with equally racy underwear
8 best children's clocks

Tick-tock: 8 best children's clocks

Whether you’re teaching them to tell the time or putting the finishing touches to a nursery, there’s a ticker for that
Charlie Austin: Queens Park Rangers striker says ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

Charlie Austin: ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

After hitting 18 goals in the Premier League last season, the QPR striker was the great non-deal of transfer deadline day. But he says he'd preferred another shot at promotion
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea