The ballad of Charles and Nigella

It ended not with a kiss but a throttle
  • @Simon_Kelner


This is the ballad of Charles and Nigella

A tale of which you’ll  doubtless know lots

About the cook, her lover, the sisters, her brother

And how it all ended  at Scott’s


It was a match made in  Daily Mail heaven

The ad man with a reputation so grand

And the celebrity cook, with a best-selling book

And some mustard always  at hand


But this Christmas time, will you please spare a thought

For the goddess and her  husband reclusive

Their relationship smashed, and her character trashed

By another purported  exclusive


On pages one to eleven, with pictures,

She’s been vilified and judged just for fun

Though she was not the accused, she was freely abused

While the defendants went off to The Sun


It seems like a pantomime made for our age

Maybe a modern day  Cinderella

With the sisters larging it, spending and charging it

But it’s no joke if you  are Nigella


I’ve tried it six times, she said of cocaine

And her drug use caused quite a furore

Take a saucepan, then a  frying pan, then temazepam 

We were told that’s the menu du jour


It seems difficult to believe that Ms Lawson

On the telly a visual delight

Yet portrayed as a junkie on the word of a flunky

Could have envisaged  a dirtier fight


Team Saatchi were hiding  in the shadows

Their brief against his  once-adored wife

To the papers they’d speak, and a story would leak

Of the sham of their  married life


When love turns sour, it’s a nightmarish scene

And both parties here were aggrieved

The battle was fought in an Isleworth court

And we don’t know who can be believed


But one thing’s for sure when the private turns public

No one emerges intact

When things get bitter, it’s all over Twitter

Where rumour’s presented as fact


It’s a right bloody battle that she’s been through

But Nigella has not lost  the war

She’s taken some knocks, but she’s back on the box

With a new series on Channel 4.