The ballad of Charles and Nigella

It ended not with a kiss but a throttle

Share
Related Topics

 

This is the ballad of Charles and Nigella

A tale of which you’ll  doubtless know lots

About the cook, her lover, the sisters, her brother

And how it all ended  at Scott’s

 

It was a match made in  Daily Mail heaven

The ad man with a reputation so grand

And the celebrity cook, with a best-selling book

And some mustard always  at hand

 

But this Christmas time, will you please spare a thought

For the goddess and her  husband reclusive

Their relationship smashed, and her character trashed

By another purported  exclusive

 

On pages one to eleven, with pictures,

She’s been vilified and judged just for fun

Though she was not the accused, she was freely abused

While the defendants went off to The Sun

 

It seems like a pantomime made for our age

Maybe a modern day  Cinderella

With the sisters larging it, spending and charging it

But it’s no joke if you  are Nigella

 

I’ve tried it six times, she said of cocaine

And her drug use caused quite a furore

Take a saucepan, then a  frying pan, then temazepam 

We were told that’s the menu du jour

 

It seems difficult to believe that Ms Lawson

On the telly a visual delight

Yet portrayed as a junkie on the word of a flunky

Could have envisaged  a dirtier fight

 

Team Saatchi were hiding  in the shadows

Their brief against his  once-adored wife

To the papers they’d speak, and a story would leak

Of the sham of their  married life

 

When love turns sour, it’s a nightmarish scene

And both parties here were aggrieved

The battle was fought in an Isleworth court

And we don’t know who can be believed

 

But one thing’s for sure when the private turns public

No one emerges intact

When things get bitter, it’s all over Twitter

Where rumour’s presented as fact

 

It’s a right bloody battle that she’s been through

But Nigella has not lost  the war

She’s taken some knocks, but she’s back on the box

With a new series on Channel 4.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SEN Teaching Assistant

£50 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: SEN Teaching Assistant We are curr...

SEN Teaching Assistant

£50 per day: Randstad Education Cheshire: SEN Teaching Assistant We are curr...

Nursery Nurse

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: Job opportunity for a nursery nurse...

McAfee Security Engineer

£42000 - £48000 per annum + Site allowance: Ashdown Group: McAfee EPO Speciali...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Daily catch-up: Scottish polls, the clown who saved Iceland and all about oil

John Rentoul
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam
'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

'She was a singer, a superstar, an addict, but to me, her mother, she is simply Amy'

Exclusive extract from Janis Winehouse's poignant new memoir
Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

Is this the role to win Cumberbatch an Oscar?

The Imitation Game, film review
England and Roy Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption in Basel

England and Hodgson take a joint step towards redemption

Welbeck double puts England on the road to Euro 2016
Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Relatives fight over Vivian Maier’s rare photos

Pictures removed from public view as courts decide ownership
‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

‘Fashion has to be fun. It’s a big business, not a cure for cancer’

Donatella Versace at New York Fashion Week
The fall of Rome? Cash-strapped Italy accused of selling its soul to the highest bidder

The fall of Rome?

Italy's fears that corporate-sponsored restoration projects will lead to the Disneyfication of its cultural heritage
Glasgow girl made good

Glasgow girl made good

Kelly Macdonald was a waitress when she made Trainspotting. Now she’s taking Manhattan
Sequins ahoy as Strictly Come Dancing takes to the floor once more

Sequins ahoy as Strictly takes to the floor once more

Judy Murray, Frankie Bridge and co paired with dance partners
Wearable trainers and other sporty looks

Wearable trainers and other sporty looks

Alexander Wang pumps it up at New York Fashion Week
The landscape of my imagination

The landscape of my imagination

Author Kate Mosse on the place that taught her to tell stories