We could all stock up on cup noodles and corned beef and join Russell Brand’s revolution... if it wasn’t for the man himself

Hopefully Russell’s brand of revolution will involve a lovely big debating circle

Share

Seasoned comrades! Million Mask marchers. After some petty bourgouise quacking on my part, I’m now fully signed up to fight in Russell Brand’s revolutionary army. Yes, for weeks now I have derided him as a Wolfy-from-Citizen-Smith-in-yoga-pantaloons character calling for the destruction of British democracy and establishment as we know it – while selling 10 books a minute through tax-slitherers Amazon and community enemy Tesco, living on his Sky Atlantic royalties and kicking about with Jemima Khan. But I was blind and now I see.

The revolution is growing apace. Voting IS indeed bad. What has voting ever done for anyone? Nothing. (OK, it’s one of the greatest things that happened to modern women, but I shall eschew this fact for the cause). What do we want? Something about not fracking, not tolerating corruption, freedom of speech and, um, other stuff. When do we want it? Now.

My comrades took to London streets this week anonymously in masks (not Brand, he was wholly viewable). A bin was kicked over. A fire-breather appeared and it wasn’t even Glastonbury. And then Russell treated us to some more of his revolutionary reasoning via Twitter and another column: “My friend went to a posh ‘do’ in the country where David Cameron, a man whose face resembles a little painted egg, was in attendance,” he wrote. “Also present were members of the opposition and former prime minister Tony Blair. Whatever party they claim to represent in the day, at night they show their true colours and all go to the same party.”

This is some pretty profound talk. Obviously the old me would point Brand and the rest of you towards a recent piece he wrote about attending the GQ awards piece – which he hated as he hates awards ceremonies, didn’t want to go to as he doesn’t drink, thought the sponsor had Nazi connections and besides the room was full of Tory idiots (He was romancing the sister of Zac Goldsmith, Conservative MP for Richmond, at the time).

But Brand went anyway, because it was good for his career (not for his future profit, I hope, which is a filthy word). Interestingly, at this point Brand seemed fully cognisant that regardless of whether one agrees with people or not in the world of media/politics “at night we all go to the same parties”. And in fact it is utterly disingenuous of Brand to seem shocked at this “posh do” his friend told him about where people drink in the same room as people they don’t like.

But that’s pre-Brandism me. Instead I’m putting in an Ocado delivery for cup noodles and corned beef and waiting for Russell’s army to rise up, converge upon Westminster, punch Ed Miliband in the face, and turn the House of Commons into an Astanga studio. Rest assured during the most frightening nights of revolutionary action, I’ll be on Tweetdeck – 10 streams flickering at once – writing some pretty bloody pithy tweets supporting him.

Obviously, I’d go out and run amok myself – following Russell’s instructions to be angry, anarchic, non-democractic and to rebel against the small number of people who have wealth – but the problem is, I distinctly remember the nights in August 2011 when this last occurred and the police lost control it was bloody terrifying. Maybe the people of Hackney and Croydon et al were “the wrong type” of revolutionaries? Maybe Russell’s revolution will be different. Maybe this time it will feature a lovely big debating circle where wealth is redistributed via use of a talking stick, and the current monarchy and political establishment are rounded up, taken around the back of Westminster, then waved off gently to Butlins to think over their wrongdoings. Me, I won’t be taking any chances.

And when the goals are achieved, (what were the goals again? I can’t remember… but then how can I be expected to remember? My brain is blitzed by too much partying in the Nineties, which is, I have realised now via Russell, not MY fault but the current paradigm’s fault stemming from the kind of social conditions exacerbated by a system which led to my partying). Well when these goals are achieved, it will be joyous and triumphant. I just hope I can take this beret off soon as it’s getting rather itchy.

More from Grace Dent here: http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/jennifer-aniston-cut-her-hair-what-on-earth-could-this-mean-8925199.html

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Tradewind Recruitment: Phase Co-ordinator for Foundation and Key Stage 1

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: Phase Co-ordinator for Foundation and Key S...

Tradewind Recruitment: SEN Teacher

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: SEN Teacher We have a fantastic special n...

Tradewind Recruitment: History Teacher

Negotiable: Tradewind Recruitment: My client is an 11-18 all ability co-educat...

Tradewind Recruitment: Year 6 Teacher

£100 - £150 per day: Tradewind Recruitment: Year 6 Teacher Birmingham Jan 2015...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

If I were Prime Minister: Every privatised corner of the NHS would be taken back into public ownership

Philip Pullman
 

Errors & Omissions: Magna Carta, sexing bishops and ministerial aides

John Rentoul
Isis hostage crisis: The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power

Isis hostage crisis

The prisoner swap has only one purpose for the militants - recognition its Islamic State exists and that foreign nations acknowledge its power, says Robert Fisk
Missing salvage expert who found $50m of sunken treasure before disappearing, tracked down at last

The runaway buccaneers and the ship full of gold

Salvage expert Tommy Thompson found sunken treasure worth millions. Then he vanished... until now
Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Homeless Veterans appeal: ‘If you’re hard on the world you are hard on yourself’

Maverick artist Grayson Perry backs our campaign
Assisted Dying Bill: I want to be able to decide about my own death - I want to have control of my life

Assisted Dying Bill: 'I want control of my life'

This week the Assisted Dying Bill is debated in the Lords. Virginia Ironside, who has already made plans for her own self-deliverance, argues that it's time we allowed people a humane, compassionate death
Move over, kale - cabbage is the new rising star

Cabbage is king again

Sophie Morris banishes thoughts of soggy school dinners and turns over a new leaf
11 best winter skin treats

Give your moisturiser a helping hand: 11 best winter skin treats

Get an extra boost of nourishment from one of these hard-working products
Paul Scholes column: The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him

Paul Scholes column

The more Jose Mourinho attempts to influence match officials, the more they are likely to ignore him
Frank Warren column: No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans

Frank Warren's Ringside

No cigar, but pots of money: here come the Cubans
Isis hostage crisis: Militant group stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

Isis stands strong as its numerous enemies fail to find a common plan to defeat it

The jihadis are being squeezed militarily and economically, but there is no sign of an implosion, says Patrick Cockburn
Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action

Virtual reality: Seeing is believing

Virtual reality thrusts viewers into the frontline of global events - and puts film-goers at the heart of the action
Homeless Veterans appeal: MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’

Homeless Veterans appeal

MP says Coalition ‘not doing enough’ to help
Larry David, Steve Coogan and other comedians share stories of depression in new documentary

Comedians share stories of depression

The director of the new documentary, Kevin Pollak, tells Jessica Barrett how he got them to talk
Has The Archers lost the plot with it's spicy storylines?

Has The Archers lost the plot?

A growing number of listeners are voicing their discontent over the rural soap's spicy storylines; so loudly that even the BBC's director-general seems worried, says Simon Kelner
English Heritage adds 14 post-war office buildings to its protected lists

14 office buildings added to protected lists

Christopher Beanland explores the underrated appeal of these palaces of pen-pushing
Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Human skull discovery in Israel proves humans lived side-by-side with Neanderthals

Scientists unearthed the cranial fragments from Manot Cave in West Galilee