Donald MacInnes: How to make a man grin like a monkey with a banana

FreeView from the editors at i

Share

I wish I could offer some thrilling tale about why I had to buy a new laptop; about how my previous one got damaged by my monkey, who inserted his lunch into one of the holes in it, because he thought USB stood for "You Shove Banana!"

Unfortunately, the truth – about its dodgy Z and W keys (tricky, when you write jokes for Poland's top chat show host) – is far less fascinating. Anyway, last Wednesday morning, I awoke with a jolt to find myself in the car, driving to the retail park for a replacement (that'll teach me to buy a Horlicks-fragranced Magic Tree).

I should mention that I hate electrical chain stores. Not electrical goods – I just hate where they are sold and the people who sell them: invariably 17 years old and standing at a slight angle, due to the weight of their head (not from their huge brains, but all the hair product).

I also loathe the adverts for these chains: if a television is £699, the voiceover will gasp: "Now only six-nine-nine!" as if we're not economically mature enough to handle the concept of our purchase necessitating the deduction from our account of six hundred and ninety nine British pounds.

Back to my new laptop. Having selected a nice one in Currys, I stood unattended for 15 minutes, looking around angrily, like a muttering meercat. I stormed out and went across to Comet, where the service was just as bad (it could only have been worse if they had ignored me for 20 minutes, then followed me outside and given me a Chinese burn).

Then the fear hit me. My only option now was PC World. I had bought a "home computer" there 10 years ago and may well STILL be paying the nonsensical breakdown cover on it. Silly, given that the computer in question has now probably been reconstituted into 300 Kinder Egg toys. But once I got inside, the stomach cramps faded, so I picked a laptop and caught the attention of an assistant.

He was actually quite pleasant. Not that I understood a syllable he uttered. "It's got a modular hoo-hoo and 47 glings of storage," he said, as I nodded, mystified, like a beagle on Countdown.

Thankfully, it only cost four-four-nine, so I was soon skipping back to the car with it, grinning. Like a monkey with two bananas.

Follow @DonaldAMacInnes

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Senior Environmental Adviser - Maternity Cover

£37040 - £43600 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The UK's export credit agency a...

Recruitment Genius: CBM & Lubrication Technician

£25000 - £27500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides a compreh...

Recruitment Genius: Care Worker - Residential Emergency Service

£16800 - £19500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Would you like to join an organ...

Recruitment Genius: Senior Landscaper

£25000 - £28000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: In the last five years this com...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Labour's Jeremy Corbyn arrives to take part in a Labour party leadership final debate, at the Sage in Gateshead, England, Thursday, Sept. 3  

Jeremy Corbyn is here to stay and the Labour Party is never going to look the same again

Andrew Grice
Serena Williams  

As Stella Creasy and Serena Williams know, a woman's achievements are still judged on appearance

Holly Baxter
The long walk west: they fled war in Syria, only to get held up in Hungary – now hundreds of refugees have set off on foot for Austria

They fled war in Syria...

...only to get stuck and sidetracked in Hungary
From The Prisoner to Mad Men, elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series

Title sequences: From The Prisoner to Mad Men

Elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series. But why does the art form have such a chequered history?
Giorgio Armani Beauty's fabric-inspired foundations: Get back to basics this autumn

Giorgio Armani Beauty's foundations

Sumptuous fabrics meet luscious cosmetics for this elegant look
From stowaways to Operation Stack: Life in a transcontinental lorry cab

Life from the inside of a trucker's cab

From stowaways to Operation Stack, it's a challenging time to be a trucker heading to and from the Continent
Kelis interview: The songwriter and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell and crying over potatoes

Kelis interview

The singer and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell
Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia...

But will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi, asks Robert Fisk
Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

Humanity must be at the heart of politics, says Jeremy Corbyn
Joe Biden's 'tease tour': Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?

Joe Biden's 'tease tour'

Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?
Britain's 24-hour culture: With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever

Britain's 24-hour culture

With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever
Diplomacy board game: Treachery is the way to win - which makes it just like the real thing

The addictive nature of Diplomacy

Bullying, betrayal, aggression – it may be just a board game, but the family that plays Diplomacy may never look at each other in the same way again
Lady Chatterley's Lover: Racy underwear for fans of DH Lawrence's equally racy tome

Fashion: Ooh, Lady Chatterley!

Take inspiration from DH Lawrence's racy tome with equally racy underwear
8 best children's clocks

Tick-tock: 8 best children's clocks

Whether you’re teaching them to tell the time or putting the finishing touches to a nursery, there’s a ticker for that
Charlie Austin: Queens Park Rangers striker says ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

Charlie Austin: ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

After hitting 18 goals in the Premier League last season, the QPR striker was the great non-deal of transfer deadline day. But he says he'd preferred another shot at promotion
Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea