Donald MacInnes: One vice shouldn't be cheaper than another

All that will happen is that the country will get too pissed to remember that it quit smoking

Share
Related Topics

A few of my colleagues may have picked up awards the other night (kudos to all), but I simply must insist that I be presented with The Golden Pillowcase for sitting through Ozzy's fag-baiting REM-fest. Holy Night Nurse, Batman! I was reduced to pouring triple-shot lattes directly into my eyeballs to stay awake. Even the Chancer himself looked a little fatigued. So much leaning! Good job the despatch box was made of stout British wood and not room temperature Dairylea, as he would have quickly ended up at a 45 degree angle, like in the video for Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal". Ee-hee, indeed.

Talking of the number 45, if you earn £150,000 or more, you will now have to pay 45 per cent tax, not 50 per cent. Wicked! Pity the rest of us juuuust missed out, as we mostly earn a feeble £149,000. Curse our lack of a proper education and a foot up from Father. Wish I'd stuck in at (or even gone to) school.

Talking of school, it was there, like most of us, that I utilised my time in the Sixth Form to learn the correct way to drink and smoke. But, looking at this Budget, I kind of wish I hadn't bothered. 37p on a packet of fags! But nothing on booze! What's George trying to do? All that will happen is a dangerous fag/pint deficit. One vice shouldn't be cheaper than the other! If this continues, all that will happen is that the country will get too pissed to remember that it quit smoking.

Things are simpler for brave Tommies trudging through foreign lands, with the doubling of council tax allowance for serving soldiers abroad. So, if you and Ginger and the Sarge are legging it across a dusty field, being pursued by 26 screaming mujahideen, at least you can comfort yourself with the fact that you don't need to pay your council tax.

Donald Macinnes's In The Red column appears every Saturday in The Independent

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Mobile Developer (.NET / C# / Jason / Jquery / SOA)

£40000 - £65000 per annum + bonus + benefits + OT: Ampersand Consulting LLP: M...

Humanities Teacher - Greater Manchester

£22800 - £33600 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: The JobAt ...

Design Technology Teacher

£22800 - £33600 per annum: Randstad Education Manchester Secondary: Calling al...

Foundation Teacher

£100 - £125 per day: Randstad Education Chelmsford: EYFS Teachers - East Essex...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Critics of Fiona Woolf say she should step down amid accusations of an establishment cover-up  

Fiona Woolf resignation: As soon as she became the story, she had to leave

James Ashton
 

Letters: Electorate should be given choice on drugs policy

Independent Voices
Bryan Adams' heartstopping images of wounded British soldiers to go on show at Somerset House

Bryan Adams' images of wounded soldiers

Taken over the course of four years, Adams' portraits are an astonishing document of the aftermath of war
The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

Commons debate highlights growing cross-party consensus on softening UK drugs legislation, unchanged for 43 years
The camera is turned on tabloid editors in Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter'

Gotcha! The camera is turned on tabloid editors

Hugh Grant says Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter' documentary will highlight issues raised by Leveson
Fall of the Berlin Wall: It was thanks to Mikhail Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell

Fall of the Berlin Wall

It was thanks to Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell
Halloween 2014: What makes Ouija boards, demon dolls, and evil clowns so frightening?

What makes ouija boards and demon dolls scary?

Ouija boards, demon dolls, evil children and clowns are all classic tropes of horror, and this year’s Halloween releases feature them all. What makes them so frightening, decade after decade?
A safari in modern Britain: Rose Rouse reveals how her four-year tour of Harlesden taught her as much about the UK as it did about NW10

Rose Rouse's safari in modern Britain

Rouse decided to walk and talk with as many different people as possible in her neighbourhood of Harlesden and her experiences have been published in a new book
Welcome to my world of no smell and odd tastes: How a bike accident left one woman living with unwanted food mash-ups

'My world of no smell and odd tastes'

A head injury from a bicycle accident had the surprising effect of robbing Nell Frizzell of two of her senses

Matt Parker is proud of his square roots

The "stand-up mathematician" is using comedy nights to preach maths to big audiences
Paul Scholes column: Beating Manchester City is vital part of life at Manchester United. This is first major test for Luke Shaw, Angel Di Maria and Radamel Falcao – it’s not a game to lose

Paul Scholes column

Beating City is vital part of life at United. This is first major test for Shaw, Di Maria and Falcao – it’s not a game to lose
Frank Warren: Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing

Frank Warren column

Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing
Adrian Heath interview: Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room

Adrian Heath's American dream...

Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room
Simon Hart: Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manuel Pellegrini’s side are too good to fail and derby allows them to start again, says Simon Hart
Isis in Syria: A general reveals the lack of communication with the US - and his country's awkward relationship with their allies-by-default

A Syrian general speaks

A senior officer of Bashar al-Assad’s regime talks to Robert Fisk about his army’s brutal struggle with Isis, in a dirty war whose challenges include widespread atrocities