Grace Dent: My ten shortcuts to Olympic fever

 

Share
Related Topics

1 Not that fussed about getting tickets? Not any more! Get into the Olympic spirit by frantically trying to buy tickets in sports you don't understand for ludicrous amounts of cash, using a shonky internet system currently being run from a Spectrum ZX81 in Seb Coe's back bedroom. Gasp with glee as you place 4 tickets in your basket for £25 to the men's 100m finals, as your ecstatic kids hoot with glee. Wait 28 minutes, get told there are no tickets, drop-kick a guinea pig into next door's garden.

2 Marvel at how lucky the Duchess of Cambridge has been in the ticket lottery. Yes, some have suggested the Duchess is work-shy and practically unemployable but when it comes to securing a group booking of 10 for the men's gymnastic finals, she's an internet ninja.

3 Become a sporting expert. Last Saturday all you knew about judo was it's a lot of folk in dressing-gowns trying to knock each other over, mainly done in community centres by divorced men with anger issues. Cut to today and you can bore on for hours about Teddy Riner, Gemma Gibbons, ippons and waza-ari and yukos. Know you've achieved full bore status when your arrival at the pub has the same effect as teargas.

4 Vow to take up a minority sport you've been watching on the red button. Call Costco and put in an order for a trampoline. Clear a space in the garden, pre-warn your local NHS Trust. Boing five or six times, pre-accident, feeling like Team GB's Kat Driscoll. Go to A+E and sit with all the other trampoline, javelin and high jump injuries.

5 Award a prize every day for Best Olympic Mum based on "quality of screaming", "tearful and biased appraisal of her little dewdrop's loveliness" and "biggest banner". Move over Mrs Phelps, rower Alan Campbell's mum took my rosette yesterday for remaining twinkly depite her son being so exhausted by his race he could barely stand up.

6 Load extra amounts of pressure on Jessica Ennis to achieve superhuman greatness and NOT LET US DOWN by changing your name by deedpoll to either 'Jessica Winner' or 'Gold Ennis' or getting a terrible full-back tattoo of Jessica holding 6 gold medals before calling your local paper.

7 Enjoy how happy pundit Ian Thorpe looks when he's allowed to hang out with Claire Balding poolside instead of being trapped with Gary Lineker.

8 Work on a cheery, inoffensive version of "God Save The Queen" that all parts of Team GB and NI can sing with integrity. My effort: "The queen, she is our rock/ always a lo-vely frock/ and a smart hat/ she isn't big on hugs/ but she likes boats and dogs/ she sometimes WEARS white gloves/ God saaave the Queen."

9 Begin to believe secretly that with dedication and sacrifice, you could win a gold in Rio 2016. Gold medalist rower Helen Glover hadn't been in a boat until 2008. Lizzie Armitstead didn't take up cycling until she was 16. Put on "Proud" by Heather Small, take a good look in the mirror. Make a lovely sandwich and carry on watching the red button wearing pyjamas.

10 Feel like a gold medallist by spray-painting your nearest Royal Mail box gold and standing near with a chocolate medal around your neck selling pics of your Usain Lightning Bolt pose to gullible tourists. Be sheepish and apologetic when police arrive. Blame "Olympic fever".

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Shift Supervisor

£20000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Due to recent expansion and gro...

Recruitment Genius: Business Development Manager

£35000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A fantastic opportunity has ari...

Recruitment Genius: Account Manager

£30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A fantastic opportunity has ari...

Recruitment Genius: Support Worker

£9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: A rewarding opportunity to work with an easy-...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Ice skating in George Square, Glasgow  

How many Christmas cards have you sent this year?

Simon Kelner
 

Al-Sweady Inquiry: An exercise in greed that blights the lives of brave soldiers

Richard Kemp
Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton: The power dynamics of the two first families

Jeb Bush vs Hillary Clinton

Karen Tumulty explores the power dynamics of the two first families
Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley with a hotbed of technology start-ups

Stockholm is rivalling Silicon Valley

The Swedish capital is home to two of the most popular video games in the world, as well as thousands of technology start-ups worth hundreds of millions of pounds – and it's all happened since 2009
Did Japanese workers really get their symbols mixed up and display Santa on a crucifix?

Crucified Santa: Urban myth refuses to die

The story goes that Japanese store workers created a life-size effigy of a smiling "Father Kurisumasu" attached to a facsimile of Our Lord's final instrument of torture
Jennifer Saunders and Kate Moss join David Walliams on set for TV adaptation of The Boy in the Dress

The Boy in the Dress: On set with the stars

Walliams' story about a boy who goes to school in a dress will be shown this Christmas
La Famille Bélier is being touted as this year's Amelie - so why are many in the deaf community outraged by it?

Deaf community outraged by La Famille Bélier

The new film tells the story of a deaf-mute farming family and is being touted as this year's Amelie
10 best high-end laptops

10 best high-end laptops

From lightweight and zippy devices to gaming beasts, we test the latest in top-spec portable computers
Michael Carberry: ‘After such a tough time, I’m not sure I will stay in the game’

Michael Carberry: ‘After such a tough time, I’m not sure I will stay in the game’

The batsman has grown disillusioned after England’s Ashes debacle and allegations linking him to the Pietersen affair
Susie Wolff: A driving force in battle for equality behind the wheel

Susie Wolff: A driving force in battle for equality behind the wheel

The Williams driver has had plenty of doubters, but hopes she will be judged by her ability in the cockpit
Adam Gemili interview: 'No abs Adam' plans to muscle in on Usain Bolt's turf

'No abs Adam' plans to muscle in on Usain Bolt's turf

After a year touched by tragedy, Adam Gemili wants to become the sixth Briton to run a sub-10sec 100m
Calls for a military mental health 'quality mark'

Homeless Veterans campaign

Expert calls for military mental health 'quality mark'
Racton Man: Analysis shows famous skeleton was a 6ft Bronze Age superman

Meet Racton Man

Analysis shows famous skeleton was a 6ft Bronze Age superman
Garden Bridge: St Paul’s adds to £175m project’s troubled waters

Garden Bridge

St Paul’s adds to £175m project’s troubled waters
Stuff your own Christmas mouse ornament: An evening class in taxidermy with a festive feel

Stuff your own Christmas mouse ornament

An evening class in taxidermy with a festive feel
Joint Enterprise: The legal doctrine which critics say has caused hundreds of miscarriages of justice

Joint Enterprise

The legal doctrine which critics say has caused hundreds of miscarriages of justice
Freud and Eros: Love, Lust and Longing at the Freud Museum: Objects of Desire

Freud and Eros

Love, Lust and Longing at the Freud Museum