Anyone born in England must be deported

Soon we can be like the happy people of North Korea, which allows no immigrants at all

All these people complaining about immigrants are demanding the government takes bold measures and they're right. Blair should announce that all those who moan about immigration should be made to wear a big yellow star. Then, by law, they would have to be left alone by all immigrants. For example, if they were in hospital, and the nurse on duty was one of the 47 per cent of nurses that is foreign, they would know the patient would be far happier left to lie in their own urine. It's simple, and everyone comes out happy.

Jamaican bus drivers will know to shut the door in a star-holder's face before they get on, and if they stay in a hotel the management can put them in a room packed with fag ends and used condoms rather than a room that's been contaminated by an immigrant cleaner.

Their televisions can be specially adapted to cut out if Magnus Magnusson or Rolf Harris comes on. And every restaurant that isn't entirely British can refuse to serve them, so they'll be cleansed of poppadums and lasagne and kebabs, and be like proper English people in the 1970s. For example, for the first 15 years of my life, I reckon I ate a total of seven different types of food (baked beans, apple crumble, peas, lamb chops, luncheon meat, beetroot and porridge).

This strategy could also provide the answer to spiralling house prices. Because anyone that moves house is, by definition, an immigrant from somewhere. And these bastards are getting out of control. Just yesterday another family moved into a road near where I live, which makes three this year alone! And when I rang the Home Office to ask how many more we should expect, they said they didn't have accurate statistics. And they have the cheek to claim they're keeping a grip!

So it's time to start covering the front pages of newspapers with headlines like "How many more we can take?" above shady photos of estate agents who "promised our reporter he could complete a contract in less than six weeks". Then David Davis can quote from an Immigration Watch report that proves 87 per cent of crime is committed by people who have moved at some time or other, and demand "So when are we going to see the tough measures the British people demand, such as detention centres for movers and a law to fine removal firms carrying bogus furniture."

Eventually we can be like the happy people of North Korea, which allows no immigrants at all. Like them, this will leave us cut off from the rest of the world, but as we're dying of consumption we'll splutter "It might be famine but at least it's our famine, one we can be proud of."

Then there are the 150,000 British people living in France. Surely it's only fair if we insist the French hold a crisis summit on the catastrophe about to engulf them unless they deal with the tide of immigrants threatening their way of life with their teabags and sliced bread and words that begin with "w".

They'd have to work hard to compete with the British press, which now routinely boasts headlines such as "Torrent of gipsies prepares to engulf Britain and turn the whole of the South-east into a giant caravan." And articles that start "Plans have been discovered showing Latvian gipsies are plotting to turn Britain's entire potato crop into lucky heather farms, and use the Channel Islands as a giant site for fly-tipping."

Much of the argument has concerned whether immigration benefits us economically. Apparently it does, as immigrants pay £2.5bn more per year in tax than they receive from the state. But surely only the most miserable specimen could deny that, whatever the economics, life is enhanced by contact with people and cultures beyond their locality.

What a way to look at life, to judge relationships by whether they make us personally wealthier. If they get their way on immigration, their next campaign will be "Kids - the shocking truth". Every day there'll be 10 pages in the Daily Express telling us, "They come straight out of the womb with no intention of working for at least 16 years costing the taxpayer an estimated 27 trillion squillion megapounds." And an interview with a family from Ramsgate that says "This used to be a nice neighbourhood until them babies arrived. Now there's a sick stain on the carpet, the bath's always full of plastic fish, we're mugs I'm telling you, mugs."

Most of those who get in a state about immigration try to have it both ways by saying "of course we don't mind some immigrants, the ones that don't claim tons of benefits and rob our grannies." But the Association of Chief Police Officers has stated there is no evidence of a higher crime rate among asylum-seekers and refugees than for everyone else.

So Tony Blair's other bold measure should be to announce "While it is fair to say not all white English people are criminals, and some are willing to contribute fairly, the number of white English criminal gangs, and the growing tide of white English living here can only add to the genuine fears felt by the rest of the community. So we must impose stringent checks on those allowed to remain, and consider whether the time has come when we can't be safe until everyone born in England is deported."