The nasty truth about this nice party

By insisting they're not a bunch of vindictive bigots any more, the Tories admit that they always have been

There's something creepy about the Tories pretending to be nice. It's as if they're saying: "Come here and sit on your kind Uncle Tory's lap. Don't tell anyone, though; this is our little secret."

Because even Theresa May isn't worried about them being nasty – she's just concerned they're seen as being nasty. The nice and nasty factions both want the same thing, like the coppers who play Mr Nice and Mr Nasty when questioning a suspect. Tebbit prefers to kick the door in and shout: "All right, you scum, you'd better do as I say." Whereas now they send in smoother types like Oliver Letwin to go: "Hello, voters. How are you? Cigarette? Bit of a nasty bruise there; was that old Norman? Sorry about that, bit of a temper, he's not such a bad old stick once you get to know him. Now, you're intelligent, so you'll know you can have all the services and tax cuts you need, and all you have to do is sign here." Then he's out the back with Tebbit growling: "This lot are tough bastards, they're still not cracking."

Being nasty is the whole point of the Conservatives. They're supposed to appeal to the nastiness in people, they're like the Hell's Angels complaining that people think they're nasty. With a leader of one chapter suggesting their image should associate them less with motorbikes and more with promoting public services free at the point of delivery.

Which may be why, and I don't know whether anyone else has ever made this observation, almost every wealthy businessman over the last hundred years has enthusiastically backed them, whereas the poorer that an area is, the less likely the people in it are to vote Tory. Could that be because they favour the wealthy few, or is it just co-incidence?

That's why they loved Thatcher. For a few years selfishness was chic, and they didn't have to pretend. Or, as Tebbit put it, "we weren't loved, we were respected". As if he was the Mafia. Which must be a possible explanation for his behaviour in the Eighties. I bet there's a record of him somewhere saying in a cabinet meeting "Do you think Scargill's got a horse?" while Michael Heseltine unwraps a trout and says: "This must be from Norman. It means I'll soon be sleeping with the fishes."

Now it's obvious their attempt to appear nice to gays and single parents is merely a change of image. They're like a band that had a few hits 20 years ago. They could carry on playing the old songs to a dwindling, dying audience, so one day their conference will be in an old pub with a board outside saying: "Tonite – Douglas Hurd and Michael Howard – as seen on Panorama in 1985." Or they can try and keep up, which they think means saying they're "nice" and trying to look youthful. Their next party political broadcast will probably be in front of a swimming pool, with Liam Fox sitting astride a chair in a hooded top holding an Uzi, Iain Duncan Smith in a basketball shirt pointing at the camera and yelling "never let a punk put a penny on national insurance" and Widdecombe standing behind him wiggling her arse.

They're trying to be nice because they have to be, which in a way is an old Conservative trick. It's like the boast that the English abolished slavery, as if this proved their niceness rather than the fact they were forced to. And slightly misses the way in which they could only abolish it because they were doing it in the first place. If only Fred West had given himself up before he was caught, he could have boasted he was the one who stopped putting relatives under patios. And every time the Tories exclaim how nice they are, it reminds the few who are watching that by insisting they're not a vindictive bunch of bigots any more, they're admitting they always have been in the past.

Labour continues to command a huge lead over the Tories because even now they're seen as the party that historically has defended the majority. When they act in favour of the wealthy few, they are seen as betraying their roots, whereas when the Conservatives do that, they are seen as upholding theirs.

Obviously it's frustrating for old Tories seeing New Labour's success, as they must feel like these little-known musicians who sue famous rock stars for nicking their songs. Maybe they should take them to court and say: "I refer your honour to tracks 3 and 4, named 'PFI' and 'Coming over here swamping our way of life', which are almost identical to the beat and melody of my client's tunes from 1979."

But Tebbit's certainly right that his regime was despised by a large number. For example, when the news came over that Thatcher could no longer appear in public, there was the news signature tune, a picture of her in the corner and a sombre-looking newsreader, and I must have been one of millions that instinctively sat bolt upright and yelled: "Dead?! Oh, sod it, just a poxy stroke. That wasn't fair of the BBC, getting me going like that."