Rhodri Marsden: Legs & Co offer a troubling reminder of the vagaries of ageing

Life on Marsden

Share
Related Topics

BBC4, bless its gorgeously parochial britches, has been showing 35-year old episodes of Top Of The Pops every week for the last year or so, allowing me to become nostalgic for a time when I didn't have a mortgage and occasional acid reflux.

 But it's also prompting niggling anxiety that I should have achieved more in the years since Legs & Co delivered over-literal interpretations of "Disco Inferno" by dancing with discs and fire. If the 1977 me could see the 2012 me, he'd say, "Why are you always slumped on the sofa in your pants watching the same Top Of The Pops as me?" To which I'd reply, "Shut it, or I'll give you a list of bad stuff that's going to happen to you before you're 40."

Too many of life's boxes remain unticked. It was only 18 months ago that I breathed in helium and talked in a squeaky voice for the first time. I'm now old enough to drive a vehicle weighing between 3.5 and 7.5 tonnes, but have I bothered? No, I haven't. And I haven't had children, which isn't something that can be remedied by signing up for evening classes at South Thames College, probably.

The thorny subject of kids looms daily in the minds of single, childless human beings of my age. Men generally attempt to postpone the issue by pointlessly pursuing much younger women. They're terrified of women of their own age who want children, but are unwilling to have their options narrowed by women who don't. "Women of 25 are a good option," they muse, incorrectly. "They will like me. I have life experience. I can wirelessly stream music from an iPad to a remote speaker. I will play it cool by sharing none of their interests, checking my prostate and walking around in a malodorous fug."

Women, meanwhile, cast their gaze around at these men who, years ago, would have been begging them for a date. And discover that they're now sending messages on internet dating sites saying things like, "Mmm, you look nice and young," watching old episodes of Top Of The Pops in their pants and generally drifting on a sea of procrastination and false hope until the age of 60, when the chances of finding a woman of childbearing age who's willing to have sex with them is approximately nil. Men are idiots. But we knew that already.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Primary Teacher

£100 - £130 per day + Excellent rates of pay, Free CPD: Randstad Education Sou...

Supply Teachers Required

£100 - £130 per day + Excellent rates of Pay, Excellent CPD : Randstad Educati...

NQT and Experienced Primary Teachers Urgently required

£90 - £150 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: NQT and Experienced Primary Teac...

Year 1 Teacher

£100 - £130 per day + Excellent rates of pay, Free CPD: Randstad Education Sou...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Israeli President Shimon Peres (L) stands next British Prime Minister David Cameron (R) as he signs the guestbook during a welcoming ceremony at the presidential compound in Jerusalem on March 12, 2014.  

The truth about the UK's powerful Jewish lobbies

Mira Bar Hillel
 

In Sickness and in Health: It’s been lonely in bed without my sleep soulmate

Rebecca Armstrong
Alexander Fury: The designer names to look for at fashion week this season

The big names to look for this fashion week

This week, designers begin to show their spring 2015 collections in New York
Will Self: 'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

Will Self takes aim at Orwell's rules for writing plain English
Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Toy guns proving a popular diversion in a country flooded with the real thing
Al Pacino wows Venice

Al Pacino wows Venice

Ham among the brilliance as actor premieres two films at festival
Neil Lawson Baker interview: ‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.

Neil Lawson Baker interview

‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.
The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

The model for a gadget launch

Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
Alice Roberts: She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

Get well soon, Joan Rivers

She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

A fresh take on an old foe

Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

As the collections start, fashion editor Alexander Fury finds video and the internet are proving more attractive
Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy

Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall...

... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy
Weekend at the Asylum: Europe's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln

Europe's biggest steampunk convention

Jake Wallis Simons discovers how Victorian ray guns and the martial art of biscuit dunking are precisely what the 21st century needs
Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

Lying is dangerous and unnecessary. A new book explains the strategies needed to avoid it. John Rentoul on the art of 'uncommunication'
Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough? Was the beloved thespian the last of the cross-generation stars?

Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough?

The atomisation of culture means that few of those we regard as stars are universally loved any more, says DJ Taylor