Rhodri Marsden: What's the worst that can happen if you take to the dancefloor?

Life on Marsden

Share
Related Topics

Dancing badly in public should become a less daunting prospect as you get older. The self-consciousness that blighted your youth ought to evaporate. Pay no more heed to the laughter that greets your innovative, hobby-horse-like prancing to the sound of Chase & Status. Embrace the idea of dancing like no-one is watching, instead of dancing like everyone is watching, intently, with their fingers hovering over a button that operates a trapdoor sending you whizzing down a chute and into the mouth of a volcano.

Dancefloor aptitude is overrated. You may admire the slick shimmying of strangers and worry that your own untutored frugging doesn't measure up, but there's never been any direct correlation between smooth, rhythmic movement and popularity. You're lovely and you can't lambada – so what? A man who can execute a perfectly-timed backflip into the chorus of "Thriller" might also have a gambling problem, be an active member of the EDL and eat his own bogeys. So don't worry. If you've ever had cognitive behavioural therapy, you'll be familiar with the question "What's the worst that could happen?"; in the case of dancing badly in public, the answer is "rip the arse out of my trousers/skirt while high-kicking to DJ Fresh". And worse things can happen on a night out. Fighting, kebabs, etc.

But dancing is one of those rare activities where confidence can entirely make up for lack of ability. At the weekend I strode drunkenly but purposefully onto a dancefloor in Newport to join my friends Dicky and Rob in order to gyrate to the 2002 R&B classic by Nelly. "It's getting hot in here," it goes, "so take off all your clothes." Avoiding the contemptuous glances of the locals, we spontaneously invented a series of powerful moves that involved miming the awkward removal of clothing. Pushing off one shoe with the toe of another shoe. Hopping on one foot while attempting to remove a sports sock. Getting static in the face as you get an acrylic jumper stuck on your head. Afterwards, Dicky said "I think the girls liked it." He was wrong; our choreography was wasted on them. But seriously – would you rather be the kind of person who drunkenly pretends to take off their underwear on the dancefloor, or the kind of person who stands at the bar saying "Look at those bloody idiots"? Pardon? Oh. OK, fair enough.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SQL Report Analyst (SSRS, CA, SQL 2012)

£30000 - £38500 Per Annum + 25 days holiday, pension, subsidised restaurant: C...

Application Support Analyst (SQL, Incident Management, SLAs)

£34000 - £37000 Per Annum + excellent benefits: Clearwater People Solutions Lt...

Embedded Software / Firmware Engineer

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Pension, Holiday, Flexi-time: Progressive Recruitm...

Developer - WinForms, C#

£280 - £320 per day: Progressive Recruitment: C#, WinForms, Desktop Developmen...

Day In a Page

Read Next
Monday - Israel  

Between the wars in Israel, spending time in a kibbutz was about as cool as you could get

Peter Popham
 

Man Booker Prize: Great books and great authors are sometimes missed out by awards committees

Natalie Haynes
Screwing your way to the top? Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth

Screwing your way to the top?

Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth, says Grace Dent
Will the young Britons fighting in Syria be allowed to return home and resume their lives?

Will Britons fighting in Syria be able to resume their lives?

Tony Blair's Terrorism Act 2006 has made it an offence to take part in military action abroad with a "political, ideological, religious or racial motive"
Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter, the wartime poster girl who became a feminist pin-up

Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter

The wartime poster girl became the ultimate American symbol of female empowerment
The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones: Are custom, 3D printed earbuds the solution?

The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones

Earphones don't fit properly, offer mediocre audio quality and can even be painful. So the quest to design the perfect pair is music to Seth Stevenson's ears
US Army's shooting star: Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform

Meet the US Army's shooting star

Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform
Climate change threatens to make the antarctic fur seal extinct

Take a good look while you can

How climate change could wipe out this seal
Should emergency hospital weddings be made easier for the terminally ill?

Farewell, my lovely

Should emergency hospital weddings be made easier?
Man Booker Prize 2014 longlist: Crowdfunded novel nominated for first time

Crowdfunded novel nominated for Booker Prize

Paul Kingsnorth's 'The Wake' is in contention for the prestigious award
Vladimir Putin employs a full-time food taster to ensure his meals aren't poisoned

Vladimir Putin employs a full-time food taster

John Walsh salutes those brave souls who have, throughout history, put their knives on the line
Tour de France effect brings Hollywood blockbusters to Yorkshire

Tour de France effect brings Hollywood blockbusters to Yorkshire

A $25m thriller starring Sam Worthington to be made in God's Own Country
Will The Minerva Project - the first 'elite' American university to be launched in a century - change the face of higher learning?

Will The Minerva Project change the face of higher learning?

The university has no lecture halls, no debating societies, no sports teams and no fraternities. Instead, the 33 students who have made the cut at Minerva, will travel the world and change the face of higher learning
The 10 best pedicure products

Feet treat: 10 best pedicure products

Bags packed and all prepped for holidays, but feet in a state? Get them flip-flop-ready with our pick of the items for a DIY treatment
Commonwealth Games 2014: Great Scots! Planes and pipers welcome in Glasgow's Games

Commonwealth Games 2014

Great Scots! Planes and pipers welcome in Glasgow's Games
Jack Pitt-Brooke: Manchester City and Patrick Vieira make the right stand on racism

Jack Pitt-Brooke

Manchester City and Patrick Vieira make the right stand on racism
How Terry Newton tragedy made iron men seek help to tackle their psychological demons

How Newton tragedy made iron men seek help to tackle their psychological demons

Over a hundred rugby league players have contacted clinic to deal with mental challenges of game