Simon Carr: Sarko's sarcasm and other monkey business

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The Independent Online

Why are you complaining about a Franco-German stitch-up?" Sky TV asked the PM. "That's the way it works here." Then he went on to the issue of the day. "Did you ride Rebekah Brooks' horse?" (Answer: yes, but it's dead.)

The PM had left the EU Council's latest sewing circle to say that the whole deal had been re-stitched, the British view had prevailed, everyone was talking about us, the whole deal had been darned to the British design.

EU officials commented, in the international language of diplomacy: "Boules."

It may be that there is an Anglo-capitalist panel or two in the great quilt. But who believes the new 3 per cent deficit rule will work better than the old 3 per cent deficit rule? Spain is already trebly overdrawn, and Greece is in flames.

And they do this from time to time – issue communiqués saying the EU is to be made the most competitive trading bloc in the world in 10 years' time. Then it goes bust.

On the plus side, all references to Engländer Inselaffen have been removed from the communiqué. Read it. It's true. No "island monkeys"!

But we do have Sarko's sarcasm to deal with. It's almost the only unattractive thing about that great nation. He talked about the British letter signed by leaders of half the EU population.

"What a tribute this is to Europe, to send Europe such a lovely letter." You can hear his chuckle. How one longs to thrash him.

"Usually if you write a letter signed by other friends, it's because it is important." Isn't this how the First World War started?

"You are either announcing you are leaving or that you love someone."

It is the French equivalent of Prime Minister's Questions. Sarkozy is needling us as Cameron used to needle Miliband.

Argh! We have become a nation of Edward Milibands! (Writer chokes, scrabbles at chest, falls.)