The Sketch: Fitting facts to theory is only for the agile

It's in the ordinary moments, the dull, daily exchanges, that you realise what a filthy business politics is. Not that I'm criticising. This is a neutral observation. We should be grateful, in some sense, for people who will immerse themselves in the process, but they shouldn't be surprised that not everyone wants to join them.

The Minister of Transport presents her rail strategy. Rail has been a great triumph because more people are using it than ever before, and yet its privatisation was obviously a disaster, so the success must have been a failure until the Government abolished Railtrack.

The overcrowding and the fare increases and the massive increase in public subsidy are, variously, "increased investment" and "challenges".

Fitting the facts to the political theory requires enormous suppleness and agility. It's a game of Twister that only experts can play. It requires a form of thinking that talented schizophrenics are easy with. So it shouldn't surprise us that the participants come to really believe what they're saying (the Tony Blair defence).

And as a lunatic corollary, they don't seem to be at all aware they would be saying the opposite of what they are saying if they were sitting on the benches in front of them.

And then, sometimes they do say the same thing from both benches: "These decisions are best left to those whose job it is to deliver care to their community," is one example. But, my word, they fight like cats accusing each other of believing the opposite.

Ed Davey asked whether the improvements to Waterloo station would be in place by 2008. Ruth Kelly said, as far as I can recall: "It's quite correct that Waterloo has been identified as a rail facility that needs to be prioritised in terms of investment upgrade to the bollocky bullshitty endlessly wordily shovel-in-rubbishy nobody's listening in the output period of 2008-09 following this year's Comprehensive Spending Review." That's the least cynical observation on our politicians: they are able deftly to respond without replying.

Glamorous Ann Keen, Gordon Brown's ex-PPS, deployed a number of formulae to help those of us compiling anthologies of political language. Douglas Carswell asked her whether the A&E department in his town would be shut. She replied: "What's so important to people has been the local consultation." Yee-ess. The question was: "How many A&E departments are being downgraded." The answer? "Changes are being made to the benefit of patients... a huge improvement to patient care."

The most reliable answer was invented by Harold Macmillan when PMQs were introduced. "That's not a question for me," he'd say, "I refer you to the Minister of Health." Now ministers of health can say: "That's not a question for me, I refer you to your PCT." It's sane, it's straightforward. It's one reason why people vote less and less.

simoncarr@sketch.sc