Simon Carr:

The Sketch: He still remains at ease, charming, widely disliked, resented

Related Topics

If Tony Blair were attacking himself there'd be nothing left. He'd tear himself to pieces. Imagine him in opposition faced with a prime minister who was presiding over the current situation. Mayhem in the Middle East. The largest department of state described as complete crap by its minister.

Billions missing from the exchequer. Sleaze. Corruption. The Deputy Prime Minister's vast, naked, post-traumatic arse forced into the face of junior staff. The PM soars angelically above it. His superiority is astonishing. He remains at ease, charming, widely disliked and resented. The master of the House. Amazing. Gordon Brown is more amazed than anyone.

The Commons excelled itself. The Tories were enjoying themselves too loudly and the Speaker told them to shut their gobs or he'd shove a broken bottle up their begonias (I paraphrase). They settled down, calling "Shh! Shh!" in that schoolboy way they do so well. The old coot misheard, and said: "I can't find out who is hissing, but if it doesn't stop I'll suspend the sitting! That'll be the end of PMQs!" They were chastened. They didn't even start humming.

A Tory said: "Last ya, someone in my constituenca," and the Labour benches started quacking like ducks. "Wah wah!," they went. Some of them really have been overtaken by evolution.

Dennis Skinner cried: "Tory scum! That body of corrupt, lying, bumboys!" I think that's what he said, he got such a cheer from the contemptuous word "Tory" that it was hard to make out anything else he said. That was the gist.

David Cameron had applauded the Prime Minister's abandonment of tribal politics. Everyone else seems to long for its return. "If the Chancellor's doing such a good job, why doesn't he let him take over now?," Cameron asked after a long Brown-friendly answer. Everyone laughed, including the Cabinet. Gordon didn't know whether to laugh or not. Would laughing suggest he was hungry for the job? Or would not laughing suggest he wasn't English? So he did both at once. But it was too late, the moment had passed. Maybe his moment has passed.

The PM made some pretty desperate claims, still blaming Michael Howard for current problems in the Home Office. "That won't wash!," Cameron said. "He can't go on blaming previous Conservative governments! He'll be blaming Sir Robert Peel next!"

Tory MP: "Did he ask the Deputy Prime Minister to give up his residence of Dorneywood?" The PM replied, according to my notes: "I have no intention of discussing the Deputy Penis." This is followed by a stream of canapé-related speculation including the words "Hornywood" and "Pornywood". Tony Wright asked how we could pretend any more that Iraq wasn't in a state of civil war? The PM's answer can be summarised in two words: "Like this!"

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Head of Marketing and Communications - London - up to £80,000

£70000 - £80000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Group Head of Marketing and Communic...

Nursery Nurse

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: Level 3 Nursery Nurse required for ...

Nursery Nurse

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: L3 Nursery Nurses urgently required...

SEN Teaching Assistant

Negotiable: Randstad Education Manchester: We have a number of schools based S...

Day In a Page

Read Next

Ed Miliband's conference speech must show Labour has a head as well as a heart

Patrick Diamond

To hear the Yes campaigners, you’d think London was the most evil place on Earth

Yasmin Alibhai Brown
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam