The Sketch: Hunting for straight answers from weasels

The ability to weasel is what distinguishes man from the animals. Except, of course, from the weasel. Alun Michael isn't very good at weaselling because you can see him do it. And no, it's not a pretty sight. But we won't dwell on that because in this new relationship between press and politicians we want to accentuate the positive.

This is why we always ignore Helen Brinton, or whatever she's taken to calling herself. Those of us who are trying to rebuild respect for our leaders are bound to ignore the ill-favoured member.

She asked him whether hunting with dogs would be banned in this session of parliament. She demanded a one-word answer. I can think of several one-word answers Mr Michael would have liked to give but he declined. Instead he gave, for the casual listener, an absolute guarantee that . . . yes, well, that's where the weaselling began. He guaranteed that the matter would be "dealt with in this parliament".

Any normal person would take those words to mean that fox-hunting was about to be banned. You may remember that the Hunting Bill was passed by the Commons last year, and that if it is brought back in the same form this year the House of Lords will not be able to block it a second time. The Parliament Act will be invoked.

Labour's Gordon Prentice rose, a little paler than usual, perhaps with anger. "I no longer believe this government will ban hunting with dogs!" he declared.

It was an insight. It's true that Mr Michael consistently declined to say that hunting would be banned, only that the matter would be "dealt with". Mr Michael is against banning the practice outright, as is the Prime Minister. Tony Blair believes that regulation of hunting can effectively ban the sport without the Government carrying the can for it.

This is called "squaring the circle", and is a defining characteristic of Blairism. So Mr Prentice asked if the minister would "stop being so Delphic and give us a straight answer!" But no: if you go hunting with weasels a straight answer is the last thing you can expect.

Peter Hain announced that security issues would be considered by various committees early next week and that it was essential that Parliament didn't shut itself off from a public seeking to "influence and lobby us".

I think we can take this as a indication MPs are planning to seal themselves off in some environment so sterile they won't even allow sketch writers in. Mr Hain didn't mention it, but the London Evening Standard revealed that they are planning an alternative parliament in a secret location if the Commons is rendered radioactive.

I'm trying to arrange the following words into a sentence that will increase respect for our leaders and help re-establish the democratic link between the government and the governed. "Self-important. Self-dramatising. Quivering. Drama queens." Perhaps you can help?

simoncarr75@hotmail.com