The Sketch: Pale imitation is too close for comfort

Clare Short was kissed on the floor of the House. She wasn't on the floor herself. That is, she was on the floor but not sprawled on the floor, as the phrase implies. The last time there was sprawling on the floor of the House was when Alan Clark turned the last page of the book of carnal knowledge behind the Speaker's chair.

Enough of this rubbish. There's plenty of other rubbish to be getting on with.

It was Prime Minister's questions. The Prime Minister was away. The Prime Minister's understudy was away. The understudy of the Prime Minister's understudy turned out to be Robin Cook. Who would understudy for Robin Cook if he, the understudy's understudy, was away? That is at the discretion of the Prime Minister. So at least we know it wouldn't be Gordon Brown.

Why did Mr Cook used to be so unpopular? It's been forgotten. He is an adornment to the democratic process. The whips hate him, of course, which is why they destroyed his amendment to that modernisation Bill you remember so well. The Prime Minister isn't so keen on him either, what with his contribution to the House of Lords reform process.

The bench-monkeys behind him like him enormously, if the noise they constantly make is any guide. Whatever the merits of the man, it is a relief, for once, not to have to listen to the Prime Minister's quacking on a Wednesday.

So Mr Cook stood up to cheers, laughter, raucous remarks, more laughter and cheers. Everything he said brought laughter and cheers, particularly the claim that the Government had achieved great progress at Seville.

Eric Forth, the shadow Leader of the House, stood in for Mr Thing and got cheers and laughter of his own. He asked the same sort of questions as Mr Thing asks and in the same sort of manner. He is no worse than Mr Thing. In the glorious equality of the Conservative Party that is something that can be said of every Tory member of Parliament.

The Chancellor's tax on pension funds to the tune of £5bn: that had been justified, the Chancellor had said, by the vitality of the stock market. The Prime Minister had claimed last week that the stock market was massively up. Was he actually right?

Mr Cook began: "He was absolutely right," and the rest of his answer was lost in the storm, the stock market being massively down.

"What is it about appearing at the dispatch box at this time of the week?" Mr Forth asked. "He may be representing the Prime Minister, he doesn't have to impersonate him." Cheers, laughter, raucous etc.

Then a rattled Mr Cook revealed his capacity for greatness in two remarks: Previous Conservative governments, he said, had doubled crime; and the New Deal created 3,000 jobs in Fife.

Take note. This is very different from saying crime doubled under the Conservatives and that 3,000 people who'd been through the New Deal programme had found work.

Only someone who believed so – what's the word? – insanely in the power of government would say such a thing.

That insanity is the essence of a Labour Prime Minister. Mr Cook could go far. If only he hadn't already gone far and come back again.

simoncarr75@hotmail.com