The Sketch: Prime Minister proves he is truly bilingual by speaking with forked tongue

We were reminded again, with the Prime Minister coming back from his constitutional conference in Greece, that he is fully bilingual. The fork in his tongue has developed so rapidly that it has provided confirmation of Jean-Baptiste Lamarck's hitherto heretical idea of species development.

The 19th century naturalist thought that giraffes' necks were long because they reached for leaves. Now Mr Blair's tongue has split entirely in two to allow him to tell such different stories to different audiences.

Here he is on the asylum proposals that he withdrew when they attracted no support: "These had widespread support." (Widespread Tory laughter)

It is impossible to know what to believe about the PM on Europe. As Mr Thing pointed out, the things that Mr Blair now embraces, he started out opposing. An EU-wide charter of human rights. Limiting qualified majority voting (QMV). An EU foreign minister. And, as Mr Thing sometimes says, the only person on the front bench to have campaigned to withdraw entirely from Europe is the Prime Minister himself.

The truth also gets lost in the technical forest. Was it good that common agricultural policy (CAP) reform was left with the Agriculture Council rather than be considered by the Council of Ministers? Of course, you'll want to put in sharply, there's QMV in the former and decision by unanimity in the latter.

Bearing in mind the proposals will have to go to the Council of Ministers in the end, will the cause of CAP reform be helped or hindered by its current forum of discussion?

Your answer will determine how many peasants starve to death in various country-wide death camps in the Third World. We don't know the answer, we can't know, and given that we have a generalised interest in Third World peasants not starving to death, we don't care. If we did care, Mr Blair would care. If Mr Blair cared, he'd have done something about it years ago.

We have a new junior defence minister called Ivor Caplin. We must be told whether he is related to Carol Caplin, the spiritual adviser to the Prime Minister's wife? It has been reported in the press that many of Ms Caplin's spiritual therapies rely on clearing the bowels of toxic blockages. That would surely benefit Geoff Hoon, who, the reshuffle has shown, is something of a toxic blockage himself.

Mr Hoon demonstrated his urgent need for enema therapy when Jeremy Corbyn asked why Saddam Hussein hadn't used his weapons of mass destruction (WMD) on us. "They couldn't because of the rapid advance of the allies," Mr Hoon said. Don't laugh. We weren't that fast; it took us longer to get to Baghdad than (what was the time the Prime Minister specified? Oh yes!) 45 minutes.

Remember also the Prime Minister blubbering all over us prior to the war? He said he couldn't live with himself if he exposed London to the risk of terrorists getting their hands on Saddam's WMD. So they turn Iraq over to looters first, as Labour's Malcolm Savidge said, and then start looking for the weapons. What does the Prime Minister say to that? It depends which tongue he's talking with.

simoncarr75@hotmail.com