The hidden evil in Kate's new portrait

Tales from the Water Cooler

While this newspaper may not be as quick as some to pay deference to that nice German family in the big house at the end of the road, I don't believe we have ever actually suggested that any member of the royals is the antichrist. Well, allow me.

Looking at the newly unveiled portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge by Paul Emsley, I was reminded of the sequel to horror movie The Omen. One of the creepiest parts of Damien: Omen II, was when a reporter, who had seen an ancient painting of the son of the devil on a wall, caught sight of the real-life Damien Thorn, a gilded young heir to a billionaire dynasty, and realised they were one and the same person.

Now, while I would never openly suggest that Kate is the spawn of Lucifer, the new portrait doesn't half make her look sinister. I bet those eyes follow you around the room. Well, around the National Portrait Gallery.

Fans of the movie will recall that anyone who stood in the way of Damien usually ended up either dead or badly thwarted. Yesterday I watched a BBC interview with Sunday Times art critic Waldemar Januszczak and, just as he began to slag off the painting, which he thought was "disappointing", a police car trundled past (a little too slowly for an emergency call, I thought), its siren drowning out Januszczak's every negative comment. And if that isn't proof of a satanic influence in Kate's oddly troubling portrait, I don't know what is…

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