How to be irresistible to women

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The Independent Online
THIS proven method has shown that it can infallibly increase your success with strange women. Using this system we guarantee you will:

meet women you have never met before in public places, and within hours they will be begging you to make love to them;

find that women who had scorned you for your lack of know-how are now clamouring for you to take them out;

discover the secret recesses of your personality and allow you to turn on the hidden powers that make women mad for you.

These never-before published techniques cover such subjects as: 'how to avoid being a pest', 'what to say when you can't think of anything to say', 'hidden signs that you are 'turning her on' '.

What part of you do you think women say is the biggest turn on? Your shoulders? Your face? Your hips? Your legs? Wrong]

Ninety-five per cent of women nominate the sense of humour as the most attractive, compelling and interesting thing about a man. If she's smiling, you're smooching] If she isn't laughing . . . you're losing]

But how do you cope if you are one of the 28 per cent of men who haven't got a sense of humour? Chapter three will show how you can turn almost anything into a joke by adding 'as the actress said to the bishop' after it. Try it with these everyday phrases: 'What a big lunch, you're not going to eat all that are you?'; 'You've got very big feet for a woman, haven't you, what size do you take?'; 'I wish I could stop burping'. As the actress said to the bishop.

But don't think it's as simple as that. Always remember - women are famous for being strangely unpredictable. That's what makes them women] A well recognised technique from women's manuals shows that laughter can be used defensively. She might be laughing to keep you away from her. Women know that men find it very difficult to kiss a laughing woman. Do you know the difference between the come-hither, let's get intimate 'you fascinate me with your vibrant word-play' laugh of love and the laugh that says 'buzz off, no-hoper'?

What does it mean when her pupils dilate when she looks at you? What does it mean if she says: 'Make love to me right now, you fascinating man]' What does it mean if she goes to bed with you and suddenly says: 'Don't touch me] What sort of girl you take me for?'

Hey] Did you know that if she crosses her legs away from you it means that she is either genuinely uninterested in your approaches so far, or she is playing hard to get. If she crosses her legs towards you it means that she is either leading you on or she hasn't noticed you're there.

What do you say to break the ice with women you've never met? Don't use cliched approaches like, 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts', and 'I bet you'd look lovely on a racing bike'. Women like originality in pick-up lines: we tell you 500 that are guaranteed to work every time.

We show you the all-important art of fitting the line to the place In museums you use the intellectual approach: 'Did you see that Clive James on the telly last night?' Or, conversely, in betting shops, 'Is that Clive James a plonker or what?'

Also remember that scientific research has proved that many women - up to 48 per cent in some studies - don't like masterful domineering men. Strange as it seems, there are many women who actually prefer men who don't order them about all the time and take control of their opinions and decide for them what they're going to have as a starter. With these women you must master the BSP technique: begging, sobbing and pleading. Its effectiveness will amaze you.

How to turn apologising to your advantage. You've made a boo-boo, you think you've blown it - but wait. Saying you're sorry can be one of the quickest routes into the female psyche. 'You're not a dumb blonde are you?' you might say. And as you see her expression freeze, press your advantage home with a snappy apology: 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you're not fanciable, in my humble opinion you're a little cracker]'

And the two all-important don'ts. Don't use crude or rude language, or if you have to, say 'Pardon my French' first; and don't cough in her face.

Send now] How To Pick Up Girls will revolutionise your love life] Honestly]

Miles Kington will be back on Monday.

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