Wouldn’t the House of Commons be so much more exciting if MPs behaved like the Iranian parliament?

You’d be more likely to watch PMQs if MPs asked ‘Mr Speaker, is it not the case the proposed white paper from the party opposite is fit only to torment the soul of a rabid treacherous polecat?’ Then they set it alight while backbenchers fired rifles into the ceiling

Amid the fear and distress all reasonable people feel as we view scenes of the Iranian government chanting and dancing while waving a burning American flag in their parliament, many of us must say to ourselves: “Iran’s parliament looks a lot more exciting than our poxy miserable one”.

Whatever else comes of the current problems, we should learn from them on this issue. You’d be more likely to watch Prime Minister’s Questions if MPs asked “Mr Speaker, is it not the case the proposed white paper from the party opposite, concerning reform of the water industry, is a rotting cockroach’s droppings, fit only to torment the soul of a rabid treacherous polecat?” Then they set it alight while backbenchers fire rifles into the ceiling.

Iran’s supreme Ayatollah said: “The body of Trump will turn to ashes and become food for worms while the Islamic Republic still stands.”

That’s a proper parliamentary speech. Our speaker gets in trouble for being slightly irreverent during a debate about fishing rights. He should copy Iran, and say: “I call Jacob Rees-Mogg, running flea-infested hound of soiled stupidity whose craven lickspittle repellency is exceeded only by his gargantuan stench of infinite unholy oiliness, destined to fester in eternal especially pungent misery, preferably a part of hell owned by a local authority and governed by the EU.”

We also underestimate the skill and timing involved in waving burning flags the way the Iranian politicians did. They made it look easy, but if they’d held on a fraction too long, the image of defiance they showed the world would be: “We will stand in mighty holy unity against the infidel aaaa sh** oh oh oh me fingers!”

We’re often critical of the Ayatollah, but he should be commended for clear and plain speaking. Every new MP should be sent on a course on how to communicate in ways that are thorough, yet simple to comprehend, with the comments about Trump becoming worm food used as an excellent example of a politician getting the details of their policy across concisely and with clarity.

By contrast, Donald Trump’s speech was rambling and confusing. He said: “Iran’s military budget has grown by almost 40 per cent while its economy is doing very badly, building nuclear-capable missiles, and causing havoc throughout the Middle East and beyond.” At this point you’d expect him to carry on: “This is why I’m such a big fan of the Iranian government. They love weapons which is fabulous, and cause fantastic havoc in the Middle East which is great, and they have some fantastic Ayatollahs, they love putting people in jail for doing nothing, it’s fantastic.”

But one of Trump’s spokespeople said Iran felt free to “continually interfere in areas outside its borders”, and that must be the issue that’s made Trump cross. Because if there’s one thing no American president has ever done, it’s interfere in an area outside its borders.

Trump also explained the deal with Iran had to be scrapped, because “Iran’s promise turned out to be a lie”.

And if Trump is anything, he’s a stickler for the truth. He never puts out a single tweet without researching and checking it first. So when he tells us, “Greenland under control of Islamic Eskimos! Bad Muslims! Must be stopped!”, you know he’s investigated it thoroughly, and not just made something up like they do in Iran.

And his financial accounts are open for all to see, with all direct debits to porn stars published in full and no attempt to conceal anything.

So it’s understandable why he’s so infuriated with a bit of deceit, especially as there’s evidence, which was displayed by the prime minister of Israel in a PowerPoint presentation.

Because nothing is more convincing than a PowerPoint presentation showing which weapons are owned by a Middle Eastern dictatorship. “Look at all these files we discovered”, he said in the presentation. Then he showed a cupboard full of files. And that’s all the proof we need, because if you’ve got a cupboard full of files, they’re probably files that show you how to build a nuclear bomb. This is why, when Trump has dealt with Iran, he should go to war on most accountancy offices. They’ve got whole basements full of files, the terrorist b***ards.

It may be the people who are convinced by this want to be convinced, so even the photos of files were unnecessary. Benjamin Netanyahu might as well have drawn two stick men on the back of a gas bill, with speech bubbles saying: “I am leader of Iran I like to explode things ha ha ha”. And half of America would go: “Hell that’s terrifying, we’ve got to send our boys to take this guy out.”

Because only a policy of war will keep us safe, like it did the last time.

Some people disagree, such as Wesley Clark, former Nato supreme allied commander, who said Trump is taking us into “a destructive, futile, and useless war, likely to lead to yet another failed state”.

But that’s because he’s one of these snowflake politically correct liberal former Nato supreme allied commanders.

And this time, for added clarity, this all comes while there’s a discussion happening about whether Trump should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Of course he should get it, because the committee that decides it have the same sense of jolly mischief as the Iranians that set fire to stuff in their parliament. Like a naughty schoolchild, they’re seeing what they can get away with. They must sit in their office going: “What about the NRA, let’s give it to them. No, Isis, go on, it will be a laugh, let’s give it to Isis.”