Think we need a British Oath of Allegiance? It's time to play the Sajid Javid drinking game!

The Communities Secretary, fatigued from the effort of pretending the social care crisis isn’t really happening, has come up with a brand new distraction of making all holders of public office swear an oath of allegiance to Britain

The Downing Street drinks are on Sajid Javid this Christmas (Getty)

Let’s be honest. No one’s going to be doing any work this week, are they? Even Santa’s elves will be down the boozer from noon, and who can blame them? A source close to Father Christmas himself has told The Independent that, come Christmas Eve, he fully expects to be in bed by half nine.

“America and Britain are traditionally two of Santa’s biggest markets,” the source said. “To bypass them both entirely in a single year will be unprecedented.”

So human and elf alike, from office to grotto, how better to kick off the festive fun in this most idle of weeks than with a round of Sajid Javid’s Oath Of Allegiance Drinking Game™?

It’s easy enough. The Communities Secretary, fatigued from the effort of pretending the social care crisis isn’t really happening, has come up with a brand new distraction of making all holders of public office swear an oath of allegiance to Britain.

Once MPs, councillors, civil servants and possibly even NHS staff from Brighton to Bromsgrove have started swearing this oath to British values, Javid thinks it will logically follow that Muslim communities will become better integrated, which can only confirm that Javid has been getting into the swing of things for some time.

Writing in The Sunday Times yesterday, Javid gave a pretty clear picture of what will be in this Oath of Allegiance, so just get your mates together, read it out, and every time you’ve broken it, you drink.

I’m told they had a great time playing it at cabinet last week, Javid reading the crucial paragraph, where it may or may not have gone a little like this:

Javid stands, clears his throat, begins: “I’m talking about tolerating the views of others, even if you disagree with them. MAY! GUILTY! DRINK!”

The Prime Minister looks puzzled but Javid is in his stride.

“ERR. TWO WORDS. CONFERENCE SPEECH. A full hour of slagging off everyone who voted to remain in the EU, and just because that includes yourself doesn’t get you off the hook. DRINK!”

Reluctantly, May reaches for the sherry. Javid continues.

“It’s about believing in freedom of speech. MAY! GUILTY! DRINK! TWO FINGERS!”

“Oh come on now,” the Prime Minister interrupts. “You can’t just pick on me the whole time. When have I ever not believed in free speech?”

“CONFERENCE SPEECH AGAIN PRIME MINISTER! THE QUOTE WAS ON THE FRONT OF THE MAIL FOR ALL TO SEE. ‘Listen to the way a lot of commentators talk about the public. They find their patriotism distasteful, their concerns about immigration parochial, their views about crime illiberal. They find the fact that more than 17 million people voted to leave the European Union simply bewildering.’ CAN’T START TELLING THE PRESS WHAT THEY CAN AND CAN’T WRITE, PRIME MINISTER. DRINK! TWO FINGERS!”

More sherry is poured. Javid carries on:

“Freedom of religion, freedom from abuse. RUDD! GUILTY! DRINK! Can’t go on TV and insinuate the future foreign secretary is either a drunk or a sex pest or crap in bed or all three, not once you’ve signed the oath. And we all know blue-on-blue abuse counts double. TWO FINGERS!”

The Home Secretary pours herself a Pinot Grigio. Javid continues.

“AND YOU NIGEL! TWO WORDS. ‘BREAKING POINT!’ AND YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ANYWAY. THREE FINGERS!”

Farage shrugs his shoulders and points to the empty glass in front of him. There is a short wait while a fresh pint of Broadside can be found. Javid picks up where he left off.

“I’m talking about a belief in equality. WAIT? WHAT? HOW DID THIS GET IN HERE? EVERYONE! DRINK! IT’S NOT A COALITION ANY MORE!!”

Without a second’s protest, everyone drinks. Javid hits his stride.

“I’m talking about a belief in democracy and the democratic process! RIGHT! MAY! DRINK! HAMMOND! DRINK! HUNT! DRINK! GREEN! DRINK! TRUSS! DRINK! GREENING! DRINK! SUBVERTING THE WILL OF THE BRITISH PEOPLE! GUILTY! TRIPLE FINES FOR TREASON! THREE FINGERS!”

But the Chancellor is having none of it. “Come on Sajid. We’ve all had a few. Well, I haven’t, but I think you’re confusing ‘voting remain’ with wanting to overturn the result of the referendum. It’s easily done. There’s a lot of it about.”

“DRINK HAMMOND! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SAID ‘THE BRITISH PEOPLE DID NOT VOTE TO BE POORER!’ ERRR, I THINK YOU’LL FIND THEY DID! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN! DRINK!”

The Chancellor emits an easy laugh and sips on his gin and tonic. “Do go on, Sajid.”

Javid looks down at his bit of paper, and blanches. The Chancellor’s soothing voice is heard again. “Do go on, Sajid.”

“It’s about respect for the law, even if you think the law is an ass. Well this is awkward but what the hell. JAVID! GUILTY! DRINK! TWO WORDS! QUESTION TIME! HIGH COURT RULING! Someone tell me the exact quote again. ‘This is an attempt to frustrate the will of the British people and it is unacceptable,’ that’s it. Me, a member of the cabinet, having a go at the High Court judges, just for doing their job? That’s an absolute whopper. FOUR FINGERS!”

The Communities Secretary brazenly smashes through an entire Babycham.

“Right what’s the last bit. Yep, here goes. ‘This is what democracy and freedom are all about.’ Honestly, how do I come up with this stuff? Merry Christmas everyone. Same time next year.”

Over to you then, people of Britain. Give the Sajid Javid’s Oath of Allegiance Drinking Game™ a go. It’s not like you’ve got a hard act to follow.