Wilbur's Hollywood career is taking off. There are rumblings of a Babe remake with Mel Gibson

He is also to meet Alan Yentob for a lunch at which my pig will be pitched a deal for three series

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Since my decision last week to retire from showbusiness in order to concentrate on my pet pig’s career, the phone has been ringing off the hook. Every call has been for Wilbur’s services in varied areas of the entertainment world.

I suppose there was a little part of me that rather hoped that a devastated public might organise some sort of petition or popular movement to make me change my mind about retirement. So far, there has been no sign of anything but I imagine that these things take some time so I’m happy to wait.

Wilbur has no need to wait for anything. I’ve had to conceal some serious bids from powerful management entities wanting to muscle in on my patch. Wilbur already has something of a temper, and personal experience has shown me that this will only get worse in the roller coaster that is showbusiness. He needs someone like me to guide him through the labyrinth, someone who has known him when he was just an ordinary pig, someone he can trust.

The temptations have already started to set in. Online, people are sending photos and footage of their rather ordinary looking pigs in the hope that Wilbur might take a fancy to them. Down the valley is a lady who has several kunekunes and she keeps leaving flowery notes on the gate about Wilbur and her pigs “getting together” like some porcine play date.

I’m keeping all this stuff from him at the moment. He has too much on his plate. An offer has come through for him to go on some sort of adventure in a rain forest with Bear Grylls. We are both very wary of this. Not only is Bear prone to eat anything in sight but, there was a very unfortunate moment in the last series of The Island With Bear Grylls in which the stranded cast of metrosexuals pounced on a poor wild pig sunbathing on a beach and killed it. Wilbur was severely traumatised by this, and so I think it’s unlikely we shall be accepting Bear’s offer.

This isn’t a problem. We have already accepted a lucrative offer from Keith Lemon to tour Wilbur’s quarters for Through the Keyhole. It was rather sweet as he got all sty-proud, and spent a good 20 minutes attempting to clean up his home before getting bored and attacking a bean bag that had been sent to him from a fan. The thing exploded and his sty was covered in about 10,000 tiny white polystyrene balls. Wilbur is keen to show Keith Lemon what he has done with the place but it’s going to be tricky for the camera people.

But this is all small beer compared to the deal I’m negotiating with the BBC. Wilbur is set to meet Alan Yentob at the River Café for a lunch in which the king of the BBC will pitch my pig a three-series deal. You’d think we should just sign up but America is also interested. There are rumblings of a Babe remake with Mel Gibson and Wilbur. Got to go, Wilbur’s personal trainer has arrived. We are getting him into shape because he’s let himself go a little in the past year. Ciao!

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