The easiest way for England to win the World Cup is to treat it exactly like Brexit

Get Iain Duncan Smith down to Moscow, and write ‘England won 4-0 in the final’ on the side of a bus

If you think Robbie Williams looked charismatic, wait until the Tories gets there (Getty)

The current debates about Brexit and the European Union prove that Iain Duncan Smith must be sent immediately to Russia to help England’s chances in the World Cup.

It can all seem so hopelessly complicated. News reporters tell us something like: “Tonight’s vote in the Commons is on whether the UK should withdraw from the European Umbilical Agreement that allows us to breed cuttlefish on a Wednesday outside the xylophone zone that limits the transitional period in which triangles can point to the left.”

No balanced human being can possibly understand it, and if anyone does they’re probably a serial killer. So it’s marvellous how a few people have succeeded in clarifying the points that really matter.

The Sun newspaper was particularly helpful, informing us this week that we were facing “THE GREAT BRITISH BETRAYAL” by MPs too friendly towards Europe, and they proved this by putting pictures on their front page of things you can get in Britain.

There was the rollercoaster from Alton Towers, and that explained matters for me. How can these treacherous MPs threaten to vote in favour of staying in the AEIOU agreement on scotch eggs when some people like to go up and then quickly down?

Some of those kids queueing up at the Smiler corkscrew rollercoaster featured on that front page are only nine years old, and they’re GUTTED that Anna Soubry thinks parliament should allow parliament to vote on something else. The queue at the log flume yesterday was awash with tears.

One child cried so much about the suggestion to extend the transitional period that he shrunk by half an inch, and was then too short to be allowed on the ride. I hope the Liberal Democrats are pleased with themselves.

Next to Alton Towers on the front page was Stonehenge. Because those tribes dragged all those stones to Wiltshire to make what many historians believe to have been an early form of rollercoaster, in which a Druid priest would clamber to the top and jump off screaming, before being offered a photo of themselves as they landed and shrieked that all their bones had been crushed.

The stones were lined up so the sun passes through them on Midsummers’ Day, whereas before Stonehenge was built, the heat from the sun all went to Europe. The Neolithic people then clenched their fists in unison and growled: “We’ve got our sun back” while performing a ritual dance. But if they’d known Dominic Grieve and other traitorous Tories would propose an amendment to something or other 5,000 years later, they wouldn’t have bothered.

One of the votes this week was a debate on whether there should, at a later stage, be another vote that is “meaningful”. You can see how this annoys any true patriot, because proper British people would insist we only have meaningless votes.

“Instead of voting on how we leave Europe, we must vote on who would win in a fight between a yeti and the Loch Ness monster,” they’d say.

So we must be grateful to Iain Duncan Smith for putting the issue into words we can all understand. “The EU has remorselessly set out to humiliate us,” he said. “They want to impose their will and force the UK to repent.”

And that’s why the European Union was set up. All the treaties and conferences and agreements and tariffs and courts and elections – they were all part of a giant plan to humiliate Britain.

Back in 1960, Charles de Gaulle phoned up Luxembourg and said. “Here, do you fancy being part of our plan? We’re going to humiliate Britain by imposing an agreement on margarine that works marginally in our favour. Are you in?”

We must have the resolve to leave the table and break off the talks altogether, Iain Duncan Smith explained. And if anyone is concerned what might happen then, that means they’re traitors because we’ll be fine because we’re BRITAIN.

The difficulty is that every time the vague notion of getting our country back runs up against the real world, the real world tends to win. So although one of the main points of the Brexit campaign was to reduce immigration, the government has had to relax immigration controls for skilled workers, especially for the NHS.

This is another betrayal, because we should say, “Sod the real world”, and when you’re lying on a trolley in A and E with your kidneys hanging out and no one to put them back in, you should be shown a picture of the Spinball Whizzer ride at Alton Towers. That works better than some foreigner.

So this is why Iain Duncan Smith must be sent to Russia. Because we’re approaching the point in a four-year cycle when, despite all historical, social and sporting evidence, we convince ourselves we have a chance of winning the World Cup.

We’ll scrape a draw with Tunisia and beat 473rd world-ranked Panama and announce we’re a major contender, because other teams might be better at defending and scoring and goalkeeping and throw-ins but we’re ENGLAND and anyone who disagrees must STOP TALKING OUR COUNTRY DOWN.

If we’re 2-0 down against Belgium at half-time, and England midfielder Dele Alli asks how we should deal with the driving runs of De Bruyne and his accurate passing to a dominant Lukaku, Iain can say, “We deal with it by being ENGLAND, you traitor. Don’t ask questions, we’re ENGLAND.

“And if they try to score again, we should all leave the pitch, shouting, ‘No deal is better than a bad deal’. They’ll be terrified of us. Then when you get home we’ll write ‘England won 4-0 in the final’ on the side of a bus, and we’ll have won the World Cup at last.”