Glastonbury bingo! Celebrate the best music festival of all

Can't make it to the Vale of Avalon shindig this year? Never mind! As you slumber in front of the TV, how many of our 50 key predictions can you tick off?

Are you one of the 200,000 people who'll be making a terrible mess of a few fields outside Glastonbury next weekend? Of course not – you'll be slumped on the sofa, consuming the BBC's "multi-platform" blanket coverage of the festival with a takeaway and some beers, just feet from a shower, a dry bed and a flushing loo. While you're getting your vicarious Glastonbury kicks, why not indulge in a game of Glastonbury bingo? Because between the Gruffalo headlining in Kidz Field and Beyoncé's bootyfest on the Pyramid Stage, the action will be punctuated by familiar faces, unavoidable clichés, inevitable camera shots and many, many appearances of Michael Eavis's beard. Put your feet up, mark your card every time you see or hear one of the following 50 Glasto perennials, and good luck – because next year, you'll totally be there for real, yeah?

The faces

* Howard Marks giving it the full running-man at the Dance Village on Friday night/in the middle of the Field of Avalon's new one-way pedestrian system/in the mosh pit at the daily Rastamouse gigs in Kidz Field.

* Gwyneth Paltrow, who will be seen off-stage during the Coldplay gig, swigging on an alfalfa and mango smoothie (of her own making) and looking at her watch.

* Billy Bragg trying, really trying, to distil the spirit of the festival in an interview.

* Zane Lowe, the hip radio and telly presenter, is blown away by some mid-ranking indie band acoustic set (having said how brilliant they were going to be in the introduction).

* Mark Radcliffe, the radio presenter, is blown away by some mid-ranking indie band acoustic set (having given the impression in his intro that you'd be better off tuning into Wimbledon).

* Andrew Marr frugging with glow-sticks to the Chemical Brothers on Saturday night.

* Emily Eavis, daughter of Michael and festival organiser, with her newborn son George strapped to her (kick-starting the festival's must-have baby-carrier look).

* Kate Moss in hot pants and wellies, with new husband five yards behind.

* Tony Benn and Bob Crow in shorts in Leftfield, wondering if they can make the Green Jobs and Sustainable Futures debate and catch Jessie J on the Other Stage.

* Fearne Cotton flirting breathlessly with an indie rocker while making sure that the audience and he can see her Glasto credentials: an ever-expanding array of rock'n'roll tattoos.

The quotes

* "Wow, that was a true Glastonbury moment" – any of the BBC presenters when they've mislaid their notes following an impressive performance from one of the up-and-comers on the BBC Introducing stage; or after a shot of a druid coming out of a Portaloo talking into an iPhone.

* "This is my favourite Glastonbury ever!" – Michael Eavis, the festival's founder.

* "It's like the Somme down there ..." – an unhappy camper, interviewed as the rain turns the site into a mudbath.

* "For a few days, this corner of Somerset transforms itself into a small city" – narration over an aerial shot of thousands of tents.

* "Are we looking at the new Buena Vista Social Club?" – a BBC presenter, glad that the elderly world music group have made it through their early afternoon West Holts stage set alive and well.

* "And over on the red button, you can catch Fleet Foxes' amazing Other Stage set from Friday" – standard interactive puff that the poor Beeb presenters will have had tattooed to their eyelids.

* "I'm here with the grandchildren, actually" – "funky" elderly person in a jester hat eagerly playing the growing-old-disgracefully card in a vox pop interview (grandchildren as far away as they can get).

* "I haven't been to bed since Thursday/Friday/last night!" – vox pop with visibly over-refreshed, under-slept young professional, dancing on his/her own in the falafel queue.

* "Sorry about that, we've been having some problems with our sound/vision/presenter"

* "Bono pay up!" – the words that the anti-tax-avoidance protest group Art Uncut says will be on a giant banner to be unfurled at U2's Friday-night set.

The acts

* Beyoncé, who will try to ingratiate herself with locals and re-create her partner Jay-Z's success in 2008 by covering an indie anthem. (We recommend "Scrumpy Supernova".)

* Chris Martin, who will conduct the audience from the Pyramid Stage on Friday night during "Yellow", while doing his unbearable dad dance.

* The Wombles, who'll dedicate a song to Michael Eavis.

* Bono, who will really get the party going at the Pyramid Stage on Friday night by dedicating "Sunday Bloody Sunday" to the anti-government rebels in Syria/Libya/any other country unfortunate enough not to be on the itinerary of the next U2 world tour.

* Bobby Gillespie, who will probably need to have a little break mid-set, looking tired and emotional.

* Mumford and Sons, whose folk-forward performance on Friday will doubtless lead to some pundit calling them "the new Coldplay" on air.

* The Wu-Tang Clan, who will exhort the Pyramid stage audience to make some mutha-flipping noise for "Bring da Ruckus", while looking a little put out by the late Friday afternoon drizzle.

* Jay-Z, whose "surprise" appearance must be on the cards. Let's hope it's with Morrissey rather than Beyoncé.

* Biffy Clyro, who will at some point pay ironic dues to Simon Cowell for his and Matt Cardle's help in gaining them 815,000 new fans.

* Landfill indie bands passim, who will show that they're down with the visiting queen of R&B and vie with one another for the worst cover of "Single Ladies" and/or "Crazy in Love".

The shots

* Techno-hippie type on stilts gurning down at the camera.

* Half-naked man lying asleep and very sunburnt.

* Half-naked girls rolling about in the mud.

* Bikini-clad girl sitting on man's shoulders.

* Kids in facepaint and fairy wings.

* Time-lapse crane shots of stages being constructed.

* Glastonbury tor at sunset.

* Reaction shots of horrified festival-goers emerging from Portaloos (or "Turdices").

* Collapsed tent with various feet sticking out.

* Fat blokes in football tops sitting in deck chairs parked in front of the Pyramid Stage.

The spirit-of-the-festival moments!

* The adulatory address of gratitude to Michael Eavis from the Pyramid Stage. (Cue shot of Eavis wincing, stage left.)

* Shot of middle-aged man weeping in audience (this year, Elbow).

* Shot of middle-aged man freaking out to music of his youth (this year, Primal Scream).

* The obligatory druid interview.

* The how-are-Michael-Eavis's-cows-coping-with-the-noise package.

* The grass-level shot of the sacred fire in the Tipi Field.

* The home-made-alternative-to-wellies tutorial: plastic bags, bin liners, bits of string ...

* Interview with rugby club in Beyoncé drag.

* Stock footage of dreadlocked drummers by the Stone Circle at dawn.

* The however-do-they-get-it-all-together package: cue over-enthusiastic hippies in hi-viz jackets ordering festival-goers around.

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