The Top Ten: Medical ailments in songs

'You ain't swift, moving like a tortoise, full of rigor mortis' (Getty Images)

This was suggested by my former colleague Matt Chorley, inspired by the lines, 'I'm as serious as cancer/When I say rhythm is a dancer,' from 'Rhythm is a Dancer' by Snap! This was nominated for our Top 10 worst rhyming couplets a while back, but inexplicably failed to make the final 10, so this is its second chance

1.'Hello Mrs Jones, how's old Bert's lumbago?'

Small Faces, "Lazy Sunday". Nominated by Dan Jackson, Mark Lott and William French.

2. 'You get enough germs to catch pneumonia/And when you do he'll never phone ya…'

Burt Bacharach and Hal David, "I'll Never Fall in Love Again". Nominated by David Freedman and Chris Sladen.

3. 'Cardiac Arrest'

Madness. Nominated by Robert Hutton and Ben Ross.

4. 'Your boyfriend, he went down on one knee/Well, could it be he's only got one knee?'

Morrissey, "King Leer". Suggested by General Boles.

5. 'I hope you got your shots 'cos this is lyrical malaria'

Jurassic 5, "Concrete Schoolyard". Thanks to Henry Foy.

6. 'You ain't swift, moving like a tortoise, full of rigor mortis'

NWA, "Express Yourself". Not too common in live patients, admits Mike Forster.

7. 'Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it's serious'

The Smiths, "Girlfriend in a Coma". From Citizen Sane and Simon Wilder.

8. 'It took a lost weekend in a hotel in Amsterdam/And double pneumonia in a single room…'

Lloyd Cole, "Lost Weekend". Nominated by Mike Higgins.

9. 'An awful debility, a lessened utility/A loss of mobility is a strong possibility'

Tom Lehrer, "When You Are Old and Grey". Thanks to Maggie Lavan.

10. 'Achy Breaky Heart'

By Billy Ray Cyrus. Diagnosed by Robert Oxley and Dave Farrar.

Next week: Words that are the opposite of their meaning (such as phonetic)

Coming soon: Worst lines of poetry by an otherwise-renowned poet. Send your suggestions, and ideas for future Top 10s, to top10@independent.co.uk