Diary: Revenge on our Hugh

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The Independent Online

Wily swordsman Hugh Grant doubtlessly thought he was a right old clever dick when he pulled a fast one over that tabloid weasel Paul McMullan the other week.

You might recall that England's finest living actor turned the tables on the ex-News of the Screws hack when he cunningly recorded him making a series of allegations against his former bosses, before promptly getting them published in the New Statesman.

Naturally, those wounded creatures over at News International were never going to take this lying down. Indeed, while I was confident my old mate Hugh had no skeletons in the cupboard whatsoever, I couldn't help worrying just what those grubby people might now try and concoct at his expense.

And then it came: on Sunday the Screws had a "showbiz exclusive" on its front page revealing shocking news that the previously single Hugh is dating a "Chinese beauty called Ting". What's more, "she seemed to be sporting a mysterious bump in her tummy". So there we have it: not only is the unmarried and famously heterosexual Hugh Grant going out with a woman, he might even have got the young lady in question in the family way! Revenge is sweet.

* While an irate Chris Huhne is about as menacing as an angry geography teacher losing control of the class, the gloves are well and truly off in the alternative vote battle. As the increasingly volatile Huhne warns those "No" campaigners that they "won't like him when he's angry", his more mild-mannered Lib Dem colleague Simon – "I'll answer that with six points" – Hughes has been going about the more practical business of complaining to the Electoral Commission about the "untruths" he claims their opponents have been spreading.

This has prompted enemies to squawk that Hughes has considerable "form" on the dodgy political literature front himself. The party's deputy leader has long been haunted by the unprincipled campaign his accomplices waged against Peter Tatchell during the 1983 Bermondsey by-election when the gay rights campaigner was the Labour candidate. The eventually victorious Hughes was controversially billed as the "straight choice" for voters. On being helpfully outed as bisexual by The Sun 23 years later, Simon had to concede his infamous campaign had been ill-judged in more ways than one.

* Still on the AV front, I feel duty-bound to clear up some regrettable confusion surrounding one of my world exclusives last week. Having received some excitable feedback following my report on television's favourite hard man Ross Kemp joining the "No" campaign, I should clarify that as of writing, I had no concrete evidence to suggest that Kemp was planning to "take out Ed Balls" on the orders of low-budget Bond villain Colonel Gideon Osborne – despite, perhaps, suggesting otherwise. Rumours that Gideon has since instructed Ross to "put the frighteners" on the increasingly gobby Chris Huhne are also just that – rumours.

* He has a flourishing television career on both sides of the Atlantic – and a beautiful wife who once turned down my kind offer of a "cheeky Cinzano" – yet Piers Morgan still finds time to entertain us in cyberspace. While normally preoccupied with "joshing" with the increasingly infirm Lord Sugar, this week Piers has been pointing out that new Twitter arrival Wayne Rooney is a bit of a simpleton! What's more, he's even made a point correcting Wazza's bloody hopeless grammar! How long before Wayne learns to spell "knobhead"?

* Knowing how much some of you appreciated me publishing edited highlights of the forthcoming no-holds-barred account of life under Dave (PM) in Total Politics magazine last week, I'm glad to say further gems from this looming exposé have fallen into my hands. Written by The Sun's ex-political editor George Pascoe-Watson, who appears to have lost none of his edge since going into public relations, lucky readers will also be informed: "The PM is remarkably calm in his most private meetings, demonstrating a magisterial confidence that he will have his place in history." We're also assured that despite the considerable daily pressures of life in No 10, Dave has somehow "managed to keep his famous sense of humour". I think I speak for most of us when I say how grateful we are to Mr Pascoe-Watson for taking time out of his busy schedule to remind us that Dave is such a top bloke!