Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Hulkkkk, happy birthday to youuuuuuuu.
That’s right, it was Hulk Hogan’s Big Birthday Bash celebrations, but instead of the Hulkster starting off addressing the WWE universe, it was Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman.
Heyman started out by doing his usual speech about ‘conquering’ and reeled off people that Lesnar has destroyed, including the Deadman, the Rock, Hulk Hogan and soon to be, John Cena. He also did a little rap which was actually quite good, the crowd tried to hide it but they were impressed.
To end, he basically gave permission to Hulk Hogan to enjoy his birthday, but warned that by the end of the night, he would be back, to ‘his house’.
Our first match of the night saw Roman Reigns face an opponent that the Authority, or actually Corporate Kane - who seems to be back as Director of Operations - had picked, Ryback and Curtis Axel.
It wasn’t hard to see the passion in Reign’s eyes and everything that Rybaxel tried, their opponent countered. In the end he stood triumphant over the two, but only after Rybaxel’s disqualification; after driving Reigns into the steel post three times, the bell rung which only seemed to drive on Roman more, delivering spears and Superman punches to the two and walking away a crowd favourite.
Seth Rollins and Rob Van Dam were the next two superstars in a showdown against each other. RVD was in control for the majority of the match, hitting his opponent with high-flying moves, but eventually Rollins got the victory after connecting with a Curb Stomp.
Afterwards as he was walking past a large array of presents for Hulk Hogan, Rollins was jumped by Dean Ambrose, forcing him to escape through the WWE crowd. There won’t be any escaping on Sunday though, as the two compete against each other in a lumberjack match.
Stephanie McMahon came to the ring in an apparent ‘confession’ to the WWE universe. She introduced Megan Miller, Daniel Bryan’s (who happens to be Brie Bella’s husband) physical therapist who ‘confessed’ to having an affair with Bryan. Bella rushed down to the ring, slapped Megan then attacked Stephanie, locking her in the Yes-lock, forcing Stephanie to announce that they would ‘finish this tonight!’
Jack Swagger was up next, warming up for his Summerslam match against Rusev by facing former ally, Cesaro. Cesaro dominated throughout, causing further pain to Swagger’s already injured ribs and getting a number of near pinfalls. The All-American somehow got the win though after getting his opponent to tap-out with a Patriot lock, giving him further momentum before Sunday.
We then saw an earlier interview between Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho, where interviewer Michael Cole was kicked out after five seconds. Wyatt went on a deranged little rant about dreams and hurting people, while Jericho responded by saying ‘he would be the first man in WWE history to leave Wyatt speechless’. And that was it. All a bit pointless if you ask me.
AJ Lee and Eva Marie gave us our regular Divas match of the week, but ten seconds in, Psycho Paige’s music started and she started skipping round the ring, AJ-style. AJ was distracted and Eva got the win with a surprise roll-up. Paige then read a little poem and AJ attacked Eva Marie afterwards in an apparent Summerslam message to her enemy.
It was now John Cena’s turn to address the WWE, and he did so in the style of Paul Heyman. Stating that ‘he would not lay down for Lesnar’ and that ‘Lesnar doesn’t deserve the WWE title’, it was obvious that Cena’s hatred for his opponent wasn’t diminished as he promised that on Sunday you ‘would see a Cena that you have never seen before!’
He even tried to goad Lesnar to the ring, asking him to ‘kick this stranger out of your living-room and out of your house’ while giving him the finger. Lesnar didn’t respond but the crowd did, giving in to Cena and his passion and love for wrestling.
Brie Bella came down to the ring obviously looking forward to her match against Stephanie, but the principle owner came out with a different idea. Megan Miller would be pressing charges for the earlier slap and Bella was put in handcuffs and taken away by the police. Stephanie’s plan worked.
The Miz joined the commentary team next as Heath Slater and Miz’s Summerslam opponent Dolph Ziggler faced off against each other. Ziggler looked to have the win under wraps but Miz interfered causing Ziggler to leave the ring and attack Miz, giving Slater the win via count-out. The two opponents went to shake hands after the match but when Slater tried to kick Dolph, he caught it and hit the One-Man Band with the Zig-Zag.
Corporate Kane organised the main event earlier on in the night, pitching Randy Orton and Seamus against each other. Both superstars were evenly matched, connecting with their signature moves throughout, but as Seamus went to the top rope, Orton hit him with an RKO, securing the win and sending a message to Roman Reigns.
And now, here we go, it’s Hulkamania time!
We saw a lovely little montage as superstars past and present joined Hogan at ringside. He gave a nice speech before Ric Flair, Mr Wonderful, Roddy Piper, and the NWO came to celebrate and sing with him. And then Brock Lesnar came back.
Squaring off against all the legends of WWE, he told ‘Grandpa’ Hogan that his birthday was over. Cena then rushed to the ring and Lesnar and Heyman cleverly left before the numbers game took advantage of them.
Roman Reigns DEF Rybaxel via DQ
Seth Rollins DEF Rob Van Dam
Jack Swagger DEF Cesaro
Eva Marie DEF AJ Lee
Heath Slater DEF Dolph Zigger via count-out
Randy Orton DEF Seamus