Voices A petition to deport Justin Bieber has reached 100,000 signatures

He's hardly misleading the youth: Generation Y has turned into Generation Y Bother Getting High, It’ll Stop You From Getting A Job

Theatre: Speak Bitterness / False Entertaiment The Hawth, Crawley

"We confess to never having had an original idea," says one of the seven penitents in a hilarious show of ironic self-mockery. The confession is false, because though False Entertainment make an art out of recycling their own and other people's ideas, beneath the layers of falsehood and repetition lurks a brilliant originality.

Tenors hit Wembley at pounds 350 a ticket

DAVID LISTER

A Stratocaster is no longer the stairway to teen heaven

TWENTY-FIVE years after the death of the legendary rock guitarist Jimi Hendrix, the music industry is finding to its horror that children no longer want to be guitar heroes. They want to be the heroes of computer games instead.

true gripes air-guitarists

Anybody who has been to places where loud music is played will probably have seen air-guitarists. They are the guys down the front who attempt to emulate their guitar heroes on stage by miming on imaginary instruments. With heads shaking and eyes closed, they strum away on pretend Les Pauls and Stratocasters, oblivious of the embarrassment caused to friends and strangers alike.

Pop Luke Clancy THE STONE ROSES Pirc U Chaoimh, Cork

After a rash of courtroom scuffles, a plague of feeble bones and a brief tour of Scandinavia, the Stone Roses finally loped onto the stage of Pirc U Chaoimh, Cork, last Sunday, to play their first gig in these islands for more than half a decade.

pop; riffs

Roy Harper on Leopold Stokowski's Symphonic Synthesis of Parsifal

Rock: A punk for the Nineties

MICHAEL STIPE throttled his mic-stand, and tossed its lifeless body to the floor. He sat on the stage, lay on the stage, threw John Travolta disco poses, jumped onto monitors, and, for most of the time, jolted and twitched like a malfunctioning robot during that sequence in a science- fiction film when its head is about to explode.

Page & Plant / Cornwall Coliseum, St Austell

In some ways, the hideous entertainment multiplex modestly named the Cornwall Coliseum is an ideal Led Zeppelin venue. It squats grimly on a granite beach a matter of feet from the Atlantic ocean. It is featureless, implacable, massy yet compacted, as if dropped on Cornwall from a great height: corrugated concrete blocks set against black cliffs and a riffing sea.

Choice: NICK COLEMAN

Englebert Humperdinck and Jimmy Page are now virtually indistinguishable. Just look at the fly-posters advertising Englebert's current tour, which commences in Edinburgh this week, and tell me I'm not a loony. Suspicion is further heightened by the fact that the coming Page / Plant reunion tour of the UK in no way overlaps with Hump's.

The heels are alive...

Forget VE Day, Channel 4 have declared Bank Holiday Monday to be National Glam Rock Day. David Benedict watches and weeps with nostalgia

Sounds like Madness (or Fleetwood Mac . . .)

But it isn't. Sean Thomas on the case of the advertising pop pasticheur s

RECORDS / The IoS Playlist: The five best sounds of the moment

Lutoslawski: Symphonies 3 & 4. Los Angeles Philharmonic / Salonen (Sony, CD only). Confirmation that Lutoslawski is an alluring symphonist, Los Angeles a world-class orchestra, and Salonen one of the finest younger MDs in the business. Michael White

Then there were two: Page and Plant got back together. Briefly. Adam Szreter witnessed the re-formation of Led Zeppelin

It was intended to be Plant and Page Unplugged. Perhaps even Plant, Page and Paul Jones Unplugged. In the end MTV settled happily for Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, mostly plugged-in and playing together at the London Weekend Television studios.

Arts: The Rolf Harris factor: It pays to have a sense of humour about your image (even more so if it's laughable). Just ask Rolf Harris. Or Jim Bowen. Or Lulu. Just swallow your pride and cash in on post-modern irony. Jim White grins and bears it

Even Take That have caught a dose of it. When their British tour opened at Glagow's SEC on Thursday night, the young Mancunians had, they said, developed the best stage show of their career. There were pyrotechnics, there were micro shorts and bare buttocks, there was a wardrobe load of leather paraphernalia. And, in the finale, raised up above the boys' Chippendale- broad shoulders and wrapped in a lace dress, there was Lulu.

ROCK / Triumph of the ill: Fight for your right to . . . your own clothing range? Ben Thompson meets the Beastie Boys

'BOYS ENTER Anarchic States Towards Inner Excellence' - that's what the Beastie in Beastie Boys stands for. No, I didn't know this either; until it leapt out at me from the sleeve-notes to a recent compilation of the group's formative moments, aptly titled Some Old Bullshit. More than a decade has now passed since Mike D, Ad-Rock and MCA - aka Michael Diamond and the two Adams, Horovitz and Yauch - hit upon this snappy acronym, but their prescience was uncanny, since it sums up the Beasties' extraordinary career to what keen golfers such as themselves would certainly recognise as a tee.
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Day In a Page

Burgundy, the River Rhone & Provence – MS Swiss Corona - seven nights from £999pp
Lake Maggiore, Orta and the Matterhorn – seven nights from £899pp
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US ambassador hits out at stodgy British food
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James Frey's literary treasure hunt

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What David Sedaris learnt about the world from his fitness tracker
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'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

Will Self takes aim at Orwell's rules for writing plain English
Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

Toy guns proving a popular diversion in a country flooded with the real thing
Al Pacino wows Venice

Al Pacino wows Venice

Ham among the brilliance as actor premieres two films at festival
Neil Lawson Baker interview: ‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.

Neil Lawson Baker interview

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The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

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Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
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She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

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