Arts and Entertainment

Mr Memory, who was brought on Monday’s Newsnight to memorise the title sequence and couldn’t even remember that Jeremy bloke with the beard’s name. Gosh I love telly. 

Shame on those who besmirch the empire builders

The Agreeable World of Wallace Arnold

TELEVISION London Shouting / Only an Excuse (BBC2) A voice crying in the wilderness of the summer schedule, Alan Parker gives us truth, not lies. Presumably.

The silly season is television's rubbish tip. Programmes that can't find a place in the schedules at any other time of year are bulldozed into August and left to rot among the repeats: the bussed-in mini-series, the season of documentaries about old age (honestly, there's one coming up), the stray dramas there's no other space for because Alan Yentob has over-commissioned.

Panorama chief wins battle to head BBC2

Mark Thompson, head of factual programmes at the BBC and veteran of the Nine O'Clock News and Panorama, was yesterday appointed the new controller of BBC2, beating five other short-listed candidates.

Mathew Horsman; On why John Birt is right

Bill Bryson, travel writer and former Independent staffer, once wrote, apropos of the trendy main courses on menus in even out-of-the- way provincial hotels, so often followed by bread-and-butter pudding or sherry trifle, that you can do a lot to the English, but "don't f*** with their pudding."

reviews: TELEVISION Knowing Me Knowing Yule... with Alan Partridge (BBC2) It's not easy being incompetent - Alan Partridge is to chat-show interviewing what Rudolf Nureyev was to spot welding. But maybe it's time to get real.

Nick Broomfield has already demonstrated this week, as on sundry other outings, that incompetence is a time-consuming business. It takes far longer to portray a slowly unfolding cock-up than a success in which all runs smoothly. Alan Partridge is one step up from Broomfield in the evolutionary scale of broadcasting competence: at least he gets the interviews, but conducts them so appallingly that he extracts no more from them than if he had interrogated a tree trunk.

Camera down the wrong trousers

After Janet Street-Porter's cabaret act on Friday night, Rory Bremner kicked off proceedings proper on Saturday morning with a review of the year. It had been a year, he said, in which Tony Blair had left his mark on Rupert Murdoch. "It's lip-shaped and in the back area." Television had, through a Desmond Morris documentary, brought an entirely new view of the human orgasm "when it put a camera down Michael Grade's trousers at his salary review meeting". Next year, meanwhile, promised an exciting new film about BBC management called Only Fools on Courses.

Edinburgh: the horror

Last week I bumped into someone very high up in broadcasting who is famous for discovering new talent. "Oh God," he said, "I hate August. I suppose I shall have to go. Every year I try to get out of it but they make me in the end."

Television to murder for

'Resort to Murder', the new thriller series from the Beeb, is far from a classic whodunnit with its Goths, Skins and Crusties. It has itself diced with death, writes Elizabeth Udall

We want results

HARD COPY

Producers and money men split over BBC cuts

A BITTER row has broken out between senior BBC programme makers and finance staff over the drive to clear the corporation's debts by cutting spending on programmes.

Television: Please sit. I'd like to appeal on behalf of The Choir

This week I'd like to appeal on behalf of The Choir. Now, I don't doubt that there will be some among the congregation who will bridle at this suggestion. Is it really a deserving cause, they will ask. Some among you, no doubt, will point to the audience figures, which, while not exactly luxurious could scarcely be depicted as requiring charitable relief. Is it our responsibility, they will say, if this series has got ideas above its station? Why did it not have the common sense to stay on BBC2, where 6 million viewers would have given it more than respectable life, indeed pre-eminence in that select community? To those questions I have no answer.

In Camelot, they make magic The founder

After four months, the nation is hooked on the National Lottery. Good news all round - but the best news is for those running the show.

Hit and run television

Popular drama series: ITV have them in spades, the BBC have them in their dreams. Thomas Sutcliffe joins Alan Yentob on his search for the elusive hit

Not a nice task, but Salman's gotta do it

Newspaper reports the other day said the Iranian government had announced a competition for the best short story about Salman Rushdie. I would not make this up. The government wants people to write short stories about what hell Rushdie's life must be. They are offering, as a prize for the best story, 10 gold pieces and a plaque of honour. My immediate feelings on reading this disgraceful story were twofold. On the one hand, I was disgusted by the sheer malice. On the other, I thought 10 gold pieces wouldn't half come in useful and that I should go in for the contest while there was time. So here is a new short story provisionally entitled "If you ever get fed up with The Archers, you can imagine how sick of The Archers Salman Rushdie sometimes gets ..."

TALK OF THE TRADE : Big money but little interest in TV films

The BBC is to put £51m into "original films" over the next two years, offering indoor relief to middlebrow talents such as Hanif Kureishi and Mike Leigh. It is proof that the one-off drama's mystique has survived Producer Choice. But how about vi ewer choice? Since the mid-Eighties, three strands of TV films, the BBC's Screen One and Screen Two, and Channel 4's Film on Four, have pumped out around 35 titles a year. There is the occasional big hit (eg, Four Weddings and a Funeral). But most Screen One and Screen Two films are shown and forgotten.
News
The surrealist comedian at the Q Awards in 2010
people
Life and Style
Six of the 76 Goats' cheese samples contained a significant amount of sheep's cheese
food + drink
News
Russell Brand arriving for the book launch in East London
peopleRussell Brand cancels his book launch debate due to concerns about the make-up of the panel
Life and Style
Could you tell the difference between this and an organic alternative?
food + drink

Culinary experts in The Netherlands thought it was 'fresh' and 'tasty'

Arts and Entertainment
Contestants during this summer's Celebrity Big Brother grand finale
tvBroadcaster attempts to change its image following sale to US
Life and Style
tech

Of all the computers Apple has ever made there’s only one that Steve Jobs had to sell his car to finance

News
New look: Zellweger at Elle's Women in Hollywood awards on Monday

Actress sees off speculation about her face in an amazing way

Arts and Entertainment
Sarah Dales attempts to sell British Breeze in the luxury scent task
tvReview: 'Apprentice' candidates on the verge of tears as they were ejected from the boardroom
News
Call me Superman: one of many unusual names chosen by Chinese students
newsChinese state TV offers advice for citizens picking a Western moniker
Arts and Entertainment
film

Marvel has released first teaser trailer week early after it leaked online

Career Services

Day In a Page

Independent Travel
Vietnam & Cambodia
Pompeii, Capri & the Bay of Naples
Bruges
India & Nepal
Japan
Berlin, Dresden, Meissen & Colditz
Prices correct as of 17 October 2014
How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?

A crime that reveals London's dark heart

How could three tourists have been battered within an inch of their lives by a burglar in a plush London hotel?
Meet 'Porridge' and 'Vampire': Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker

Lost in translation: Western monikers

Chinese state TV is offering advice for citizens picking a Western moniker. Simon Usborne, who met a 'Porridge' and a 'Vampire' while in China, can see the problem
Handy hacks that make life easier: New book reveals how to rid your inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone

Handy hacks that make life easier

New book reveals how to rid your email inbox of spam, protect your passwords and amplify your iPhone with a loo-roll
KidZania lets children try their hands at being a firefighter, doctor or factory worker for the day

KidZania: It's a small world

The new 'educational entertainment experience' in London's Shepherd's Bush will allow children to try out the jobs that are usually undertaken by adults, including firefighter, doctor or factory worker
Renée Zellweger's real crime has been to age in an industry that prizes women's youth over humanity

'Renée Zellweger's real crime was to age'

The actress's altered appearance raised eyebrows at Elle's Women in Hollywood awards on Monday
From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

Disney plans live-action remakes of animated classics

From Cinderella to The Jungle Book, Patrick Grafton-Green wonders if they can ever recapture the old magic
Thousands of teenagers to visit battlefields of the First World War in new Government scheme

Pupils to visit First World War battlefields

A new Government scheme aims to bring the the horrors of the conflict to life over the next five years
The 10 best smartphone accessories

Make the most of your mobile: 10 best smartphone accessories

Try these add-ons for everything from secret charging to making sure you never lose your keys again
Mario Balotelli substituted at half-time against Real Madrid: Was this shirt swapping the real reason?

Liverpool v Real Madrid

Mario Balotelli substituted at half-time. Was shirt swapping the real reason?
West Indies tour of India: Hurricane set to sweep Windies into the shadows

Hurricane set to sweep Windies into the shadows

Decision to pull out of India tour leaves the WICB fighting for its existence with an off-field storm building
Indiana serial killer? Man arrested for murdering teenage prostitute confesses to six other murders - and police fear there could be many more

A new American serial killer?

Police fear man arrested for murder of teen prostitute could be responsible for killing spree dating back 20 years
Sweetie, the fake 10-year-old girl designed to catch online predators, claims her first scalp

Sting to trap paedophiles may not carry weight in UK courts

Computer image of ‘Sweetie’ represented entrapment, experts say
Fukushima nuclear crisis: Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on - and may never return home

Return to Fukushima – a land they will never call home again

Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on from nuclear disaster
Wildlife Photographer of the Year: Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize

Wildlife Photographer of the Year

Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize
Online petitions: Sign here to change the world

Want to change the world? Just sign here

The proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?