Voices

Moving house really brings you up to speed with the state of customer service in modern-day Britain. For the past two weeks I have been waging an almost constant war, via Twitter, email and phone, to get companies to do the simplest things like turn up on time (or even on the right day), deliver the correct item or offer help over the phone in something resembling human. I am fortunate in that I am a very minor celebrity with a healthy amount of Twitter followers. Time and again, the moment I tweeted my grievances the managing director or head of customer care would be in touch within 15 minutes promising to solve the problem. This is brilliant for me, but it's a sad state of affairs that problems that are easily solved can only be dealt with because I once dressed as a large squirrel.

My So-Called Life: Never mind the Botox, I'm lovely inside

Apparently, the number of cosmetic surgery operations in Britain shot up by a massive 52 per cent in the past year - and that doesn't include 72,000 lesser procedures, such as collagen injections or Botox, the deadly poison that gives you the charming look of a tambourine minus the jingle- jangle bits, although I'm sure that's only a matter of time. (That way, at least, you'll always be able to tell when Anne Robinson or Princess Michael of Kent are coming up behind you, which must be worth something in anyone's book.)

How much of a clever clogs are you?

None of us like to think that we are guilty of pedantry, yet we are all, in varying degrees, likely to find it aggravating when friends and relations commit tiny trivial errors. Often we insist on correcting those errors, and although we think that thereby we are building a reputation for wisdom and knowledge, in fact we are just getting a name as a clever clogs.

Anne Robinson - because she's worth it?

Anne Robinson has put her foot in it again, this time insulting her native Liverpool. But she won't have to do a Boris - we'll forgive her anything, even that wink

Lost Cymru

The valleys are in uproar. EU statisticians would now be as welcome in Wales as the news that Anne Robinson is buying a holiday cottage in the village next door. Forgetting to put this land of minstrels and poets on the cover of the 2004 Eurostat Yearbook was probably not the most sensible way of advancing to "ever closer union", all things considered.

Moscow Stories: Nostalgia for discipline

Both the founder of the KGB and our own Iron Lady are back in fashion. Mary Dejevsky detects a longing for the age of 'order'

Camilla 'to join march'

Sport and salad dressing

'"Dallaglio" is the Italian for "with garlic". "Dell'Olio" is the Italian for "with oil". Now we only need someone whose name means "vinegar"!'

NHS lab to launch rival to Botox in US

The health service could earn millions from a bacterial answer to lines and wrinkles

Comedy: GIG OF THE WEEK; Rich Hall Mon The Comedy Store, London SW1

You may think the depravity of prisoners isn't a subject for knock- about comedy. By any conventional standards, Otis Lee Crenshaw, a Deep South convict in jail for "involuntary bigamy" and played by American stand-up Rich Hall, should be prompting letters of outrage to the Attorney General, or at least Anne Robinson. But the more Crenshaw ignores good taste with his spoof Country & Western songs, the more audiences lap him up. "I guess prison rape has got a bit of a bad name," he muses at one point, "but I always said if I ever wrote a song about it, I'd make it romantic." Musical guests include Bill Bailey, Boothby Graffoe, Phil Nichol and Steve Gribbin.
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Prices correct as of 17 April 2015
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