Duncan Bannatyne

Diary: No mistaking this figure

Danny Dyer's latest cinematic gift to culture, Pimp ("Sex. Betrayal. Murder. All in a day's work."), enjoyed a record-stretching opening weekend, making a grand total of £205 at the British box office. No, there are no zeros missing from that figure; just 24 people deigned to watch Dyer's critically puréed performance as a Soho sex kingpin. Dyer-watchers will wonder whether this non-response is retribution for the 32-year-old's recent regrettable "agony uncle" column in Zoo magazine, where he advised a jilted boyfriend to disfigure his ex (Dyer claims he was misquoted). More likely, the film is rubbish. Dyer's effort was unable to beat the record set in March by Uma Thurman's Motherhood, which made only £88 on its opening weekend – but Thurman's film was shown in just one cinema. It's said Dyer produces football-themed DVDs and oddly convivial documentaries about criminals that are considerably more entertaining than his movies. But that's not saying much, is it?

Lib Dems get sprinkling of celebrity glitz

The Liberal Democrats were given a sprinkling of election magic on Monday after the party said Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe had given his support days before Britain goes to the polls.

Pandora: Knives out: Gordon's girls defend their boss

Could Gordon Ramsay's luck be changing? Ever since he was accused of liaising with "professional mistress" Sarah Symonds, the boorish chef has been dogged by a string of bad headlines, running the gamut from ready-meals to broken banking covenants.

Pandora: Pall Mall's bad day in Basra

Smoke and the crump of mortars drift from Pall Mall on the warm evening river breeze, following the eruption of Iraq-style hostilities at the customarily sedate Oxford and Cambridge Club. An awards ceremony to promote peace in the Middle East descended into unhelpful fist-throwing when the final gong, for "cutting edge" journalism from the region, went to a female Iraqi hack flown in especially from Basra. "The bloke presenting was Iraqi and starting arguing with someone in the audience," says Pandora's lass in the pearl necklace. "He called him a thug and a murderer because of a past association with Saddam's regime. The guest did not take this sitting down, it went right off. The host had to wind things up over the marquise au chocolat before blows landed."