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After it presumably became clear the man himself couldn't be bothered, who better to read the audio version of Keith Richards' memoirs than dashing shipmate Johnny Depp?
For those of you pedantic enough to question the merits of any column that resorts to revealing "news" about pretend people, move along.
Humiliation, hunger and insect-eating, but not much jungle fever
Will this vile persecution of Andy Coulson never cease? What days these have been for any PhD student researching the thesis entitled "Conspiracy Theory and the Murdoch Empire: Seeking a Common Thread". We'll come to Sky Box Office at the end, but first to Glenn Beck, Fox's lachrymose laureate of lunacy, who last week launched the most overtly anti-semitic attack any mainstream media in any western democracy has known in decades against George Soros, a hate figure to the far right for championing progressive causes.
Good to hear that the Sky News anchor Kay "Hurly" Burley wasn't overly traumatised by her on-air altercation with the Labour MP Chris Bryant. When you've had dust-ups with photographers, or listened to protesters yelling for you to be sacked on live television, being called "a bit dim" must seem a trifling matter. Ms Burley, 49, was out in support of her fellow Murdoch employees (naturally) on Wednesday evening, at the launch of The Sun's new television magazine, Buzz. "I was just at a party with Chris Bryant, actually," she told me. "I told him I didn't recognise him with his clothes on." She was referring, I must assume, to Bryant's Y-front moment in 2003, when the honourable member for Rhondda apologised after posting a picture of himself in his underpants on a dating website. Somewhat below the belt of Ms Burley to bring it up, you might think, but hardly uncharacteristic. Burley is, after all, the relentless interrogator who made Peter Andre cry.
The former Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik increased the pressure on Andy Coulson yesterday by questioning his competence and calling for him to stand down.
Alarming news that stadium rockers Kings of Leon were forced to abandon a recent gig following a surprise airborne pigeon attack undoubtedly represents what music observers would politely describe as their "Spinal Tap moment".
There was a kind of bittersweet irony that, on the day of the first Prime Minister's Question Time of the coalition government, the former Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik was performing an open-spot stand-up gig in a tiny basement comedy club. Opik, arguably, has performed comedy in a niche environment on both sides of the election.
The Saturday Column
Nick Clegg will be forced to face the growing concerns within his party over co-operating with a Tory government amid unease that the Liberal Democrats may fail to secure any major concessions on changing Britain's voting system.
Coming out of recession is often the most dangerous time for your personal finances.
Morale was low among Liberal Democrat staffers as they trudged back to the party's Westminster headquarters from a private party gathering at the nearby National Liberal Club.
While John Prescott is busy enjoying his political swansong in typically bullish fashion, I hear another member of the Prezza dynasty has quietly launched a fresh bid for a parliamentary career of his own.
An unexpected spat has broken out amongst the literati of Wales. Tessa Dahl, pictured, the statuesque mother of Sophie and daughter of Roald, is engaged in a harsh exchange of words with the organisers of the world's richest literary award, The Dylan Thomas Prize.
*When Tony and Cherie Blair put their Sedgefield home, "Myrobella", on the market this autumn, property experts predicted a rapid sale despite the steep asking price.
Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik will complain to the Commons authorities today after his name was missed off a key internet search tool.