The Lords should block Brexit to remind Britain the 'will of the people' is nothing compared to the 'will of the rich'

The biggest mystery is how the aftermath of the referendum has led to another crisis for Labour. They’re the ones divided and resigning from positions again – how have they managed that?

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The Independent Online

That’s it, sorted. Parliament has voted, so we’ve got our country back, now we’re free from Europe and at last we can do whatever we want – as long as America allows it.            

We’re so much at liberty that we can appeal to a newly elected American President, “please give us some sort of agreement; anything, take a couple of toasters, we’ll mow one of your Rocky Mountains for a dollar, go on, otherwise we’re shafted”. Luckily this strong negotiating position takes place at an ideal time in history when the President is especially reasonable, calm and measured. This is how it must have felt to be in France when it was liberated in 1944.

Because now the EU won’t be able to order us to do things it never ordered us to do in the first place but we made up that they did. At last we don’t have to worry about Brussels not actually forcing us to iron our spring onions or make us play cricket with a triangular ball, or classify Wiltshire as an insect or ensure babysitters are divided equally between Jihadists and non-Jihadists to avoid discrimination.

Finally we can scrap barmy regulations that never existed, like the clause in the Human Rights Act that our police have to make all their arrests in the style of Italian opera, singing “anything you say may be taken down and used in evidence against you” as a soprano because we’re free to be BRITAIN again.

Unshackled from Europe, our country can now be owned and run by great figures such as Mike Ashley, Phillip Green and Rupert Murdoch, who make the words “bloom” and “flourish” spring instantly to mind.

But some of those who campaigned to remain in Europe are in such a state of shock that they’re desperate to find any way to stop us leaving, including through the House of Lords. You can understand the confusion, but it may not be healthy if you’re thinking, “the only way to keep this country in a liberal inclusive direction is to ignore a referendum and hand the decision to unelected squires and the Archbishop of York”.

This sort of scramble to defy the result has led to petitions and court cases, and campaigners who say, “maybe if we make the EU a religion, Nato will have to defend our right to stay in under international law as long as we accept that Jean-Claude Juncker is GOD”.

Or, “if we can raise £3bn through crowdfunding, we can flood Britain and register our underwater cities as an ‘outstanding area of coral reef’ which I read somewhere is legally entitled to be part of Denmark”.

SNP MPs sing Ode To Joy during Brexit Bill vote

Some groups call for a second referendum, and that should solve the problem. Because the result of the first referendum was caused by millions of people feeling ignored and disrespected by the political process, as they’re not part of the elite. And what could heal that more than the political process telling them, “thank you for voting, but we’re going to ignore the result. If you want to have a say, get yourself a job as a Viscount.”

But the biggest mystery is how the aftermath of the referendum has led to another crisis for Labour. They’re the ones divided and resigning from positions again – how have they managed that? It’s the Tories who spent decades hating each other over this issue, until their Prime Minister had to call a referendum, in which he was useless, and ended up accidentally destroying Britain’s 50-year-long economic strategy. But somehow it’s Labour that ends up in tatters.

It’s as if the end result of the civil war in Syria is that Assad and Isis are in fine shape but somehow it’s caused chaos amongst the management at a branch of PC World in Rotherham.  

Maybe we just have to accept that from now on Labour has a pop-up shadow Cabinet in which anyone who fancies it can take over as shadow Home Secretary for a couple of hours on the way home from work, then resign again so they’re not too late for dinner.

Or Labour could raise funds by letting anyone buy a session – the way you can have a couple of laps round a Grand Prix track. So someone might say, “oo it was romantic, for our anniversary, Ted got me a morning as shadow Secretary for Works and Pensions, it was a treat.”

They could launch “speed-shadowing”, with all the front bench wearing a badge saying what they are – “my name is Oliver and I’m shadow Secretary of State for Agriculture”, then after five minutes a bell goes off and they all swap round.

But there’s plenty to be optimistic about. Although the manner in which we’re leaving the EU is dictated by Ukip, the EU hasn’t always been the friendliest organisation. It’s dominated by bankers and bureaucrats who ordered the Greek government to destroy everything they’d been elected to do, shutting down their social programmes and wrecking their plans to help the poor.

So maybe we could arrange a deal in which we’re no longer part of the single market, but as a compromise the EU is still allowed to block any attempt to renationalise anything or curb the power of bankers and is still entitled to destroy any semblance of reversing inequality, or crush any vague sense of hope.

Then with this new sense of self-worth and power we can plead with Donald Trump that across Britain there are several thousand enclaves of Mexico, so he orders a mass programme of wall-building across the country, at last providing homes for everyone and a welcome boost for the construction industry.

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