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Ambassador Dimitrov was very, very cross with Ukip’s “unacceptable” and “extremely serious” “propaganda leaflets” suggesting that millions of Bulgarians were about to flood into Britain. He would have been much more cross if it had been at a lunch at which Ukip’s leader was regaling reporters with his full-on cheeky chappie routine worthy of the man he himself described as “that late, great comedian Bob Monkhouse”: stand-up with an electoral twist.

THE GOOD SCHMOOZE GUIDE

So you want to hang out with the stars but don't know where to begin? Our man at the best parties, Nicholas Barber, offers some useful advice for would-be celeb-spotters

Metropolitan Life: Where the listenin' is easy

Roulette, music, cocktails and kitsch: Nicholas Barber loses his chocolate eggs at London's newest night-club

The experts' guide to throwing a party

Mini hot dogs, 'Boom Shake the Room' and the Princess of Wales: just three essential party ingredients from the people who know. By Julie Aschkenasy

Sex and transcendence at Stringfellow's

EVERYTHING was fine until the stripper came out of the cake. Well... I say "stripper", but she was actually pre-stripped, or at any rate as stripped as she was going to get; the usual kit: stockings, suspenders, G-string and bra, all white, and out of the last item there poked (or swelled) two ideal creamy breasts.

If Labour can't say what it thinks now, when can it?

WHEN I was at university in the 1970s, soft drugs were as routine a part of college life as lectures and rent strikes. I read Virgil during a sit-in and worried more about the tobacco in the occasional joint I shared with friends than its marijuana contents. When I told my impeccably liberal father what I'd been doing, he hit the roof. I calmed him down by pointing out that I knew no one who had progressed from cannabis to heroin and that alcohol binges were more of a problem than people who sat in their rooms smoking dope and listening to Santana.

Running a successful club is harder than it looks, say the veterans of London's clubland

Johnny Gold, Tramp (founded 26 years ago)

pounds 130m buys you a lot of canapes - but not a lot else

DICKIE FANTASTIC on the schmooze

Time for cocktails at the cutting edge of art

Contemporary Art Market: Geraldine Norman discovers two exclusive worlds colliding head-on at a London nightspot

La Dolce Musto (ouch)

This week, the 'Village Voice' columnist and New York bitch about town Michael Musto starred at parties for 'Absolutely Fabulous', 'Batman Forever', Janet Leigh's autobiography and Lady Bunny's 'Wigstock' movie. Nick Walker spends an evening on the cutting edge with the doyenne of Downtown

A cheap time was had by all

The Club Awards were a glamour-free zone, reports Monique Roffey

World, shut your mouth

Live and Uncut

Sweeter than axle grease

Is the musky new fragrance from Harley-Davidson a passport to biker heaven? Would-be real man Richard McClure finds out

The highlights of my mousey-brown life

I knew it was only a matter of time before I succumbed. As a recovering peroxide junkie, I had successfully kept off the stuff for the last five years and accepted, philosophically, my natural attributes: a head of mediocre, mousey brown.

Heard the one about the festival?

Mark Wareham spent last week at the London Comedy Festival. Something f unny was going on.But not the jokes

Bachelors want women who glow, purr or slither

BOOK launches are not events normally associated with girls in fishnet tights and leotards with no bottoms. But most book launches are not in aid of Nesta Wyn Ellis, John Major's biographer (principal revelation: John Major is sexy), who has now compiled Britain's Top 100 Eligible Bachelors. She celebrated publication of this latest work at Stringfellow's on Wednesday night (Peter Stringfellow is bachelor number 30), where the first sight to greet arriving guests was not the usual scruffy author or intense literary type, but girls with no cellulite and the willingness to walk around with only fishnet tights covering their buttocks.
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football This was Kane’s night, even if he played just a small part of it
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travel Dreamland Margate, Britain’s oldest amusement park, is set to reopen
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Founders James Brown and Tim Southwell with a mock-up of the first ever ‘Loaded’ magazine in 1994
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Threlfall says: 'I am a guardian of the reality keys. I think I drive directors nuts'
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The Westgate, a gay pub in the centre of Gloucester which played host to drag queens, has closed
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Pompeii, Capri & the Bay of Naples
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Burgundy, the River Rhone & Provence
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The saffron censorship that governs India: Why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression

The saffron censorship that governs India

Zareer Masani reveals why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression
Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Supreme Court rules Dominic Grieve's ministerial veto was invalid
Distressed Zayn Malik fans are cutting themselves - how did fandom get so dark?

How did fandom get so dark?

Grief over Zayn Malik's exit from One Direction seemed amusing until stories of mass 'cutting' emerged. Experts tell Gillian Orr the distress is real, and the girls need support
The galaxy collisions that shed light on unseen parallel Universe

The cosmic collisions that have shed light on unseen parallel Universe

Dark matter study gives scientists insight into mystery of space
The Swedes are adding a gender-neutral pronoun to their dictionary

Swedes introduce gender-neutral pronoun

Why, asks Simon Usborne, must English still struggle awkwardly with the likes of 's/he' and 'they'?
Disney's mega money-making formula: 'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan

Disney's mega money-making formula

'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan
Lobster has gone mainstream with supermarket bargains for £10 or less - but is it any good?

Lobster has gone mainstream

Anthea Gerrie, raised on meaty specimens from the waters around Maine, reveals how to cook up an affordable feast
Easter 2015: 14 best decorations

14 best Easter decorations

Get into the Easter spirit with our pick of accessories, ornaments and tableware
Paul Scholes column: Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season

Paul Scholes column

Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season
Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

The future of GM

The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

Britain's mild winters could be numbered

Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

Cowslips vs honeysuckle

It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss