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Ambassador Dimitrov was very, very cross with Ukip’s “unacceptable” and “extremely serious” “propaganda leaflets” suggesting that millions of Bulgarians were about to flood into Britain. He would have been much more cross if it had been at a lunch at which Ukip’s leader was regaling reporters with his full-on cheeky chappie routine worthy of the man he himself described as “that late, great comedian Bob Monkhouse”: stand-up with an electoral twist.

TELEVISION / Chat show from over there looks odd over here

LOOKING to fill their afternoon schedules this autumn, ITV have recruited Vanessa Feltz, a substantial blonde from Anglia Television with a wardrobe of ill- advised twin-sets. Her role is to do what they do in America all afternoon - talk to the people. Vanessa (ITV) goes like this: a couple of Aunt Sallys are set up on a platform to open a discussion about some lukewarm topic of the day, which Vanessa then takes into the audience via a vast phallic microphone.

True gripes: Squeezed out: Time for rejected clubbers to get heavy

Am I alone in being sick to the teeth of nightclub bouncers masquerading as beauty police? It is the ultimate comedown, a frustrating end to what is intended as an evening of enjoyment, which leaves you feeling cold, bored and faced with the prospect of trudging sheepishly back past the hopefuls queuing behind you. And all on the whim of a bouncer with an ego the size of a sound system who has decided that you will not be one of the chosen few.

Interview: I'd love to be Stephen Hawking: From his four-in-a-bed childhood to dancing girls every night, Peter Stringfellow knows all about how to turn fantasy into reality

Peter Stringfellow is about to trademark Angels: the word and the concept. By Angels he means beautiful, shapely, very young women wearing only a garter and a G-string, who will dance for (but not with) any man who slips pounds 10 into the garter. They are trained to hold eye-contact with their benefactor, so it often takes two or even three dances before the man can tear his eyes away and allow them to travel lower. When all's said and done, you don't pay pounds 10 to gaze into an Angel's eyes.

First-Hand: Recession? Yes, I sold my yacht: Mark Thatcher says he's poor on pounds 40m. Peter Stringfellow ( pounds 12m) disagrees

HOW much you value money depends on your background and since mine was working- class Sheffield, I respect it. Being poor means not having enough coal to put on the fire in winter or only having meat once a week. If you believe everything you read in the papers, I was worth pounds 12m at my peak, which I always thought was a conservative estimate. The wonderful thing about being wealthy is not having to worry, knowing that the cheque won't bounce.

Opinions: Would you hire a fat person?

PETER STRINGFELLOW, nightclub owner: Would I employ a fat person as a waitress, a receptionist, at the bar? NO] High profile, presentable staff require a certain look and style that reflects the glamorous surroundings in which they work. However, my first chef is very overweight, as is my second chef, and it doesn't bother me because they are tremendously talented and not in the public gaze.

Fat: it's a nuclear issue: We knew it: fat people are bad people - do you trust Kim Jong Il not to push the button?

OF COURSE, the really big thing about Kim Jong Il, the Dear Leader of North Korea, is that he is fat. Everybody who writes or talks about him mentions the fact - even BBC Television News felt obliged to describe him as 'chubby'. The best photograph shows him grinning inanely next to his late dad, his obese form militarily clad and largely concealing a distant mountain range.

View from abroad: Jazz vocalist Buddy Greco

'I love London. It's very special to me. I've been coming here for ever. I even lived here for a while. London is my second home. Fans here are so loyal and have been since I came over at 18 with the Benny Goodman band.

It's just like the office, except for the bare breasts

THE NIGHTCLUB owner Peter Stringfellow is about to import from America something that he intends to make a vital element of British business culture. So exciting is it that Mr Stringfellow likens himself to the man who brought the first potato; but, unlike the potato, Mr Stringfellow's thing is staggeringly beautiful, but must not on any account be tasted, or similar. His thing is girls, performing in dance clubs. ('Dance clubs' being a euphemism for places where women take their clothes off for a fiver and dance on shiny black tables.)

Why Lee Anne danced naked for her dad, too: Reggie Nadelson meets a Cardiff woman who dances on tables in a Texas topless club

The worst thing Lee Anne (not her real name) ever had to do was dance naked for her father. When I first met her, she was working at Cabaret Royale in Dallas, one of a pair of upmarket strip clubs I visited during research for a documentary. Here, and at the Cheetah in Atlanta, the strippers think of themselves as dancers.

Opinions: What was your biggest disappointment?

RALPH STEADMAN, cartoonist: I had a terrible disappointment a month ago. Burglars stole all my wines - 300 bottles worth nearly pounds 5,000. It was such a disappointment because I thought they were going to take my mother-in-law. They even came back a second time and I thought, 'This is it]', but they didn't take her that time either. They took a statue of the Virgin Mary and she's Jewish.

Handbags and glad rags in clubland comeback: Alison Veness dressed up for a night out at Stringfellows - where glamour is the buzz word and the owner oozes hospitality

BY 1.30am a young woman is already being sick, lolling over the toilet bowl in the ladies lavatory at Stringfellows night-club.

On Tour: Adonis

American stripper Dan Mahon has been touring with Adonis since they first came to England in 1990

Opinions: What housework is done by men?

NEIL LYNDON, journalist: The presumption that men don't do housework is an outdated and generalised prejudice. As I'm living alone I do all of the housework, and I'm quite conscientious.
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