The last great comedy goldmine has closed down

SHARES IN comedy writers will plummet today. (But fortunately him, Jeffrey Archer sold all his on Friday).

Here is today's news bulletin (perhaps)

`A major scandal is about to break in the toilet-paper industry. Makers have been changing the perforations'

Friend who turned against peer: The Archer affair

THE STING

Forget this `loony left' nonsense. When I ran the GLC, it worked and was popular

`After weeks of bile against my record, Dobson's advisers have reduced his support with the public'

My sixth sense tells me there's a twist in this tale

EVERYONE IS being carefully warned not to give away the ending of the new Hollywood epic, The Sixth Sense, in which Bruce Willis plays a child psychiatrist.

Mr Livingstone can be defeated by argument

`What exactly was the point of Frank Dobson if Ken Livingstone is going to be excluded after all?'

Anyone fancy a calypso with Frank Dobson?

LET'S FACE it, it's been a long time since British local government was associated with matters of culture. Ever since Mrs Thatcher's cruel abolition of England's metropolitan authorities, we have certainly been deprived of anything approaching political colour. The right-on-sister days of politically relevant street carnivals and squabbles about rates- funded pop concerts are long gone. Or are they?

Leading Article: The race for London's mayor has descended into farce

THE PANTO season may be approaching but that is no excuse for the farcical state into which the race to become first mayor of London is descending. The decision by the leader of the Monster Raving Loony Party to enter the fray - on behalf of his ginger tom-cat - should be a light-hearted episode in an otherwise serious contest between candidates of the highest calibre for a powerful job. The Loony candidate is fast emerging, however, as one of the more credible of the runners, and his entry reminds us that this race evokes feelings of despair as well as amusement.

Secretarial: I Work For - Who needs Jeffrey Archer?

FLICK REA IS DIARY SECRETARY TO SUSAN KRAMER, LIB-DEM MAYORAL CANDIDATE AND TRANSPORT AND FINANCE CONSULTANT

Archer meets one-person fan club

JEFFREY ARCHER is deeply misunderstood. His so-called gaffe about memories of black women being fat and badly dressed was misconstrued and, in any case, was not far from the truth. So says Demi Akerewusi, who is black, young, female, well-dressed and wants to be his "shadow" in a scheme to involve young people from ethnic minorities in politics.

Archer faces Tory safety check

JEFFREY ARCHER'S campaign to become mayor of London was poised to move forward last night as Tory party chiefs met to give his candidacy a final "safety check". As he faced a half-hour grilling by a Conservative Central Office selection panel, the millionaire novelist was expected to clear the last remaining barrier between him and the party's 40,000 members in the capital.

Let Livingstone run for mayor, says Blair adviser

KEN LIVINGSTONE'S campaign to be allowed to stand for mayor of London has received an unexpected boost from one of Tony Blair's closest advisers.

Thatcher backs Archer for mayor

BARONESS THATCHER waded into the battle to elect a mayor for London yesterday by expressing her support for Jeffrey Archer as the Tory candidate.

Archer knows about suffering prejudice, says black sister

JEFFREY ARCHER'S black adopted sister spoke out yesterday in a robust defence of her gaffe-prone relative. Elizabeth Fullerton, who was adopted by the mother and stepfather of Lord Archer of Weston-super- Mare in the 1950s, said she was close to her brother and very proud of his achievements.
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