Ladies in waiting : MODERN TIMES

Despite what appearances might suggest, these bald, big-bosomed, cudgel-bearing figures are not queueing to board tram 16121. They are, rather, clay statues of Sarasvati, the Hindu goddess of learning and arts, and are quietly drying off in the Calcutta smog while they wait for their hands, which, like other finicky components, are made separately and added later.

Baby Abbie's abductor put on probation

Julie Kelley, 22, who took Abbie Humphries from hospital five hours after she was born, in an abduction that gripped the nation, was yesterday put on probation for three years.

The night of the big wigs

Forget old-style rugs: false hair's fashionable again. Andrew Tuck on n ew party pieces

Blonde Ambition: This year's crop of debutantes came out at the Queen Charlotte's Birthday Ball on Monday. Emma Forrest polished her social graces and cut along, only to find that she was the right age but the wrong face

The Independent photographer points to the girls he has just photographed for our cover, looks me over and says sternly, 'I'd take your jacket off before you speak to them, if I were you.'

A patch on the real thing

When Sam revealed his bald patch to Carla near the end of the last series of Cheers she was shocked and viewers were horrified. So the rumours about his thinning pate were true. He had, all along, been wearing a 'weave.

Law Update: No wigs allowed

Solicitors may have won the right to appear as advocates in the higher courts, but wigs are out. The decision was made by the Lord Chief Justice, Lord Taylor, on behalf of the Lord Chancellor. The practice direction published earlier this week says: 'Queen's counsel wear a short wig and silk (or stuff) gown over a court coat. Junior counsel wear a short wig and stuff gown with bands. Solicitors wear a black stuff gown with bands but no wig.' The Lord Chancellor is to consult further, with a long-term decision expected in the autumn.

Oh Tranny boy, the tights are calling

Shopping for clothes can be nightmarish if you're a woman, let alone if you're a man who likes dressing as one.

MUSIC / 30-something to write home about

PERIOD performance has worked like an abrasive on the public ear, scouring out the waxy accretions of 19th-century romanticism that made everything sound - well, like 19th- century romanticism. But more than this, it has had a radical effect on the sociology of music-making. It has shifted the focus of choral singing away from amateurs and on to small professional ensembles that provide Oxbridge choral scholars with a worthwhile alternative to careers in accountancy. It has spawned a breed of entrepreneurial conductors who have created their own performing environments: self-made empires run by self-made men (not many women, I'm afraid). And now these choirs and conductors have broken free of their early-music ghettos, importing the lessons of period performance into broader repertory.

Orthodoxy is . . . a brand new Hillary wig: Straight or curly, nylon or real, traditional or trendy, a sheitel is the crowning glory of an orthodox Jewish woman's wardrobe. Jack Shamash reports

There's a big wedding coming up and you've bought the dress, the shoes and the matching handbag. So what's left? For many orthodox Jewish women the next stop would be a trip to the salon to buy a new sheitel - a wig.

Flat Earth: Between the sheets

CAMEROONIANS thought something was up when they noticed that their president, Paul Biya, 61, had dyed his grey hair black and covered his bald patch with a toupee. They reckoned they knew why when police seized all copies of a newspaper in Yaounde, which had published a picture of a 24-year-old woman on its front page. Then its editor was threatened with death - and they knew for certain that President Biya, a widower, had married again. But officially it is still a state secret.

Judges rule in favour of wigs

AN UNLIKELY profession will no doubt be delighted by yesterday's announcement that judges and barristers are to keep their wigs and gowns.

In or out, I'm well mannered: William Donaldson's Week

YOU'LL remember the film in which Naunton Wayne, accused by his pal, the other old buffer (Basil Bedford, was it?) of being in love with his umbrella, said: 'Nonsense] Fond of it, yes. In love with it, no.' Now I'm obliged, it seems, to clear up a similar misunderstanding with regard to Pete the Schnoz.

William Donaldson's Week: Lost adjectives are no joke

JUSTIN JUDD, who is hard at work producing a situation comedy for Joan Collins, is being sued by Common and Ball - and not before time, if you ask me. More about that in due course, however.

TELEVISION / One goes mad at Balmoral

HIGHGROVE, FEBRUARY 1993: Frankly One was bemused. There was One's mater carrying on like Edward G Robinson. And One could barely recognise pater who looked like a valet. Dear Uncle Dickie was played by that fellow from the drinks advert: Schhhh, One Knows Who. Granny had the gait of Will Carling in slingbacks, while One's self was naturally shown making chums with the rhubarb. And all because of One's ghastly wife. Diana: Her True Story (Sky) came in a brace of two-hour episodes. One was more than One could stand.

TELEVISION / BRIEFING: Nothing like a dame

WITHOUT WALLS: J'ACCUSE (9pm C4), the would-be Fray Bentos of sacred cows, returns with comic Rory Bremner out to defrock Dame Edna Everage. Cruelty and laziness are the principal charges: a victim from the Dame's recent Neighbourhood Watch series found the housewife superstar 'extremely threatening and uncomfortable to be with', while Bremner's co-accusers (critic Nicholas de Jongh, writer Anne Karpf and the Independent's John Lyttle) highlight the underlying misogyny of Humphries' act. 'He uses the disguise of a woman to humiliate other women in a way he couldn't as a man,' says Karpf. Dame Edna's much-vaunted satire on celebrities is written off as a cosy collusion of the famous, while his/her jokes at the expense of 'Paups, nips and the tinted' are nothing but pure Rottweiler in a wig and dress. It's an interesting idea, but would be more persuasive if Bremner could drop the po- face and stop leaving Dame Edna the best lines.
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